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A single life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Justasking100, Sep 9, 2016.

  1. Justasking100

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    So. Here's where am at. I am still with my BF but am having doubts about the fact that i am totally gay, and he knows this. I suffer from OCD about harming people (i'm described as being the nicest man in the world so these intrusive thoughts as out of character) - having OCD also makes me doubt my conclusion that i'm gay, even though the past few months i've been living a 'gay' life i cant quite get comfortable with the whole gay sex thing. I am able to show affection to my BF but he says i blow hot and cold - i do as i'm pretty unsure about myself.

    My story doesnt really fit the stereotypical gay story - i had no concious idea in my teens that i could possibly be gay and grew up fantisising about women.

    So what am i thinking? Theres a good possibility that i am never going to be able to truely know my sexuality and think that the single life might be the best way forward for me - if i'm single then sexuality is irrelevant, and nobody gets hurt.

    Maybe the single life wouldnt be too bad, maybe thats just the way it needs to be for me?

    Any singletons out there who are happy being on their own?

    :bang:
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Are you sure your asking this question because you perceive you are going back and forth about your sexuality, or is it maybe your relationship with your boyfriend has in fact run its course as many so often do?
     
  3. Justasking100

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    Yeh i'm kinda sure. I mean i cant say i'm 100% gay - i've found myself chasing women on occasion in the last few months despite being with him (bad i know), i can get aroused abiout the thought of being with a women and that doesnt appear to be changing though i'm not finding i'm really as into the sex thing as i thought i would be. i have on occasions found myself thinking about a women when i've been doing things sexually (which is ridiculous i know) with him - talk about a role reversal its usually a gay man doing it with a woman and thinking of a guy.

    i just think i'll never know for sure though maybe i'm just having a last desperate attempt to go back into denial. i dunno but it doesnt feel like i'm getting anywhere fast. i don't want to have a moan but i'm resigning to the fact that its easier to be single....

    ---------- Post added 9th Sep 2016 at 04:44 AM ----------

    i thought coming out to many people (as i have done) would lift my depression, but it hasnt. i know that i have so much support from friends and family for my 'gayness', but it just doesnt seem to fit me that much.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Finding yourself, whomever you are to be, is not an easy task. There is no right or wrong and not specific outcome. Some time to yourself might not be a bad thing given the lack of clarity you are experiencing. And you should not push yourself to find all the answers right away.

    Maybe being on your own is exactly what you need. Cook some meals by yourself, read some books, watch seem shows, and contemplate. As you do so, meet others. Girls and guys. Explore what's out there. Do not set any boundaries. Just see where life takes you.
     
  5. Justasking100

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    thanks onthehighway, that does seem like the best way to go i just cant seem to get passed the fact that i can get aroused by women and find the sex with men difficult - but my brain tells me i'm gay.... daft i know
     
  6. afgirl

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    I think you may be getting caught up in the labels thing. Look at your current relationship based on it alone. If it's run its course are you trying to make excuses as to why the gay relationship didn't work out? Maybe it's just that the relationship itself is no longer fulfilling and that can happen in any relationship.

    I don't think being single forever is a necessary or healthy option.
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    it's clear that you have a mental block about gay sex, which may or may not make you bisexual. it takes time to get comfortable with having sex with another guy having come from a heterosexual background both physically and getting to a point where you are ready for the romantic and emotional aspects

    being gay is about more than hot gay sex, and perhaps you can find clues elsewhere

    • do you prefer hanging out with guys or gals?
    • do you prefer kissing your bf or a previous gf?
    • do you prefer cuddling with your bf or a previous gf?
    • where do your fantasies take you when you masturbate sans porn?
    i will second what oth said that you owe it to yourself to explore and understand your sexuality

    hth
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Sep 10, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2016
  8. Justasking100

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    Thanks Siena. I'll be giving your questions you raise a lot of thought.
     
  9. Justasking100

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    siena
    i guess in answer to your question there was a reason i wasnt snogging the face of my now ex bf - i've decided that i can't give myself fully to him whilst i have undeterminate sexuality. if i'm single and not in any relationship then my sexuality doesnt really matter. my thoughts on masterbation sans porn - well i've done a little of both however have found that being 'gay' hasnt brought me the happiness i thought or imagined it would bring it seems to just have compounded my depression.

    i've managed to break two hearts this year already and am sick of it. the best thing for me is to live life, singly and put my efforts into being the best dad i can be for my daughter - plus if i'm not living a gay life then i dont have to worry about my daughter growing up knowing her father is gay - i'll just be daddy (not that that is neccessarily a major issue i guess, but its a small one).

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 03:14 AM ----------

    i guess i found cuddling with both sexes nice, though i thought i would prefer cuddling with a guy, it turns out it wasnt as amazing as i thought it would be. i've shared a bed with a guy and liked spooning but didnt really like his 'thing' pressed up against me, which i thought i would.

    it turns out my period of experimentation just wasnt as good as i thought it would be, some of the things i though would be better just turned out not to have been...

    i like hanging out with girls and guys. me ex gf was one of funniest people i know and we had a lot of fun together.

    i'm just gonna be me for a while, me the person that 'came out' but is actually unsure if he made a mistake or not. so i'm half way out knowing that people really don't care whether i'm straight gay or bisexual...

    i gues i've struggled with the idea that my story isnt like many people here or my BF (he KNEW he was gay as teenager and knows only guys turn him on) - well i didnt and the idea didnt hit me until my 21st year.

    i feel i'm just too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight.....

    i'm not here looking for answers and desperate to figure it all out, because i'm coming to the conclusion that i may never get the answers i'm looking for...
     
  10. OnTheHighway

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    Is your concern that your daughter might grow up knowing your gay driving your inability to fully embrace your sexuality? That comment really stands out and says a lot.
     
    #10 OnTheHighway, Sep 13, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2016
  11. Justasking100

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    I would say its a slight issue, but not the major one. if i was gay and happy and could teach her about acceptance and that love is love then i think it wouldn't be too much of a problem... but its not the defining issue. its me and actually liking having sex with a guy thats more of the issue
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    I would urge you to consider the paradox that you can't determine your sexuality unless you give yourself fully to him and the idea of being gay.

    Just to be clear, when you masturbate without porn, do you fantasize about both men and women? Do you have a clear preference?

    If you still have depression, it might not be the optimal time to determine your sexuality, depending on the severity of the depression.

    Given that you have depression and this lingering doubt whether you are gay, your best course of action is to seek (or continue to seek) the help of an LGBT therapist.
     
  13. Justasking100

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    thanks siena. i hate to be crude and talk about masterbation but i'm gonna have to. so i find it difficult to be aroused by men from a standing start - that is without using my hand. maybe once or twice i have just had the thought of men in my mind and i've got aroused on my own. i find thinking about females, or wathcing striaght porn on its own arouses me without stimulation.

    re the paradox you speak i guess whilst we had a connection and were going thru similar things, i guess i just didnt fancy him which i guess stopped me from enjoying any sex with him.

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 06:29 AM ----------

    i did on own occasion when we were in the shower together have to think about a woman to get off
     
  14. Nickw

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    Justasking

    What you describe could mean you're bisexual. It is real. But, you also may not be turned on by a particular man too. It happens. Just because he has the parts doesn't mean he will, or should, light your fire.

    I am both a gay and straight snob. I have a very limited type of person I am really attracted to. Both women and men. But, boy when I find the one's that exhibit those traits the desire is very strong.

    And, for me, at least, the emotional aspects of the desire are very important in stimulating the sexual aspects. Your continued opposite sex attractions may be related to the memory of your girl friend.

    As Siennafire mentioned, continued therapy to address this internal "conflict" is a good idea. If you are bisexual, then you may need to start addressing how this sexuality can be integrated into your life. It doesn't necessarily require you to remain single.
     
  15. Weston

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    By contrast, having my children know who their father really is was one of the most compelling arguments toward my coming out.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    Nick raises some excellent points, and I basically agree with them.

    Based on the masturbation habits, you sound closer to bisexual than gay.

    Chemistry and clicking are based on intangibles, so it's quite possible that you didn't click with your ex-BF. This is a situation where you need to be with more guys to figure out what you like. Once you really click with a guy, you'll know and go WOW.

    I hope that you continue to explore your sexuality through all avenues available to you and get to a point where you understand and are comfortable with your sexuality.
     
  17. OnTheHighway

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    What has you and your therapist discussed, if anything. about your OCD and the potential implications on your sexual confusion from being OCD?
     
  18. SweetSoulJulia

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    Just going to chime in and add my 2c. I agree with not labeling yourself right now. There is nothing wrong with taking time out from your boyfriend to explore where you fit it. Sounds like you know this in your heart. As Nick said, bisexuality is a real thing and at this point in your journey, there is no reason you need to deny any aspect of yourself. Hopefully you have a close enough relationship with your boyfriend where you can discuss your feelings and come to an understanding.

    I am one who tries not to label my sexuality. I find I am sexually attracted to whomever holds my heart. If I am deeply in love with a man, sex is satisfying. If I am deeply in love with a woman, sex is equally satisfying. It's just the way I operate. Is it possible you're just not in love with your boyfriend? Something to think about.
     
  19. justaguyinsf

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    I have a lot of the same questions and struggles you have. Formerly married, grown daughter (not sure how old your daughter/children is/are), got divorced, tried the gay lifestyle as I had always had attractions to both men and women ... now committed to being single unless lightning strikes and I really connect with someone of either gender. Unfortunately most people have a very binary view of sexuality, especially about men, and we are expected to fit within the assumed categories of sexuality, and if even expressing desires outside of the established boundaries caused a lot of people, gay or straight, to get really uncomfortable. You might also just be a very self-sufficient guy like myself who is often happy with my own company. So I have sort of accepted the single life as a likely permanent state and have worked on being satisfied within it (it's a work in progress). Remember single people are the majority now and there's nothing at all wrong with being single.
     
  20. Justasking100

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    He now thinks that me having experimented and not neccessarily enjoyed the experiences (some have been ok, some arousing) that my true sexuality may be that i prefer women. however my brain seems to be telling me that i'm gay.

    i have a lot of gay thoughts that come to me, yet i dont find myself aroused by them - they are therefore to some extent intrusive thoughts common with OCD, however i have been able to fantisise about men at times, but in reality i didnt like being that intimate with a guy, and even found myself on occasion having to think about a women to get off.

    i didnt really like having a penis in my mouth, i would have thought if i was gay i would have loved it.

    ---------- Post added 14th Sep 2016 at 12:52 AM ----------

    i here Sienna talk alot about the 'coming out high' that really coming out should be a happy experience, well it hasnt been for me - i have had quite a lot of support from friends etc - i still struggle with depression. i guess at the end of the day i've never wanted to be gay.

    but if as my brain tells me i am 100% gay then why would i be aroused by women - say for example when i've been to a lap dancing bar or something like that (i conducted a little behavioural experiment by going to one recently) - a gay guy wouldnt enjoy a female lap dance would he??