Compulsive heterosexuality and denial questions?

I don't know how to answer the questions you asked, I'm afraid, but have you considered you might be bisexual? If you have significant feelings for men and significant feelings for women (I'm assuming you do for women, since you mentioned being lesbian-in-denial) then being bisexual seems like the most obvious answer.

 

I had to google the term compulsive heterosexuality and I'm not quite sure what you mean. Please can you explain a little more? The only thing that I can say based on what you've said so far, is that heteronormativity can play a role in your views on love and sex. It's why some lesbians and bisexuals take a while to realise and understand their same sex attractions and come to terms with their sexuality.

Same thing applies to denial. It is possible to convince yourself that you like someone. I have done it in the past and it felt very real. I would create a story in my mind about a particular guy and then get attached to it, or I've interpreted my shyness around some men as a crush, and my self esteem was so low at one point that if a guy was nice to me, I'd get attached and create a story etc...

I can remember having crushes on guys in the past. I can remember making myself have crushes on guys in the past. I can even remember once getting weak kneed around a guy I liked, but in hindsight I realise it was probably coincidental as I had legged it to school and was attempting to run up a flight of stairs in order to avoid being marked as late at the time haha.

For me, I have an oddly vivid memory so I can distinguish moments of nerves, admiration, desperation, or times of genuine feelings and times when I manipulated my feelings. When I was younger it was about fitting in, then a little older, I was desperate for my first kiss, and in my 20s it was about denial. Heteronormativity played a role in all of it.

I came out as bisexual last summer and then as a lesbian last winter once I admitted that I had no real desire to sleep with men. Sounds simple but I'm still coming to terms with it. I still doubt from time to time but I'm learning to trust my instincts. It is confusing to explain but it makes sense if you don't think about it too much. It's different for everyone and I think it all depends on how you interpret your feelings and how well you understand your body. Just be patient and don't try to resist and fight your feelings. Deep down inside you know what you want, you just need to allow yourself to get there.

 

Same with me... I used to develop feelings for girls, but in hindsight, it was always me interpreting more into a friendship then there ever was. I went through my life and labeled my same sex attraction as "curiosity". The funny thing was, that I noticed men and entertained a lot of fantasies about them, but I never acted on it.

Since I started opening up to that side of me, my attraction to girls is slowly vanishing. So I'd say: sexuality and attraction can be strongly affected by the way you think about yourself and others. But if there is a gay side to you, you can notice it, if you think about it thoroughly. Just being gay without there ever being signs is very rare I think.


IT helped me, to write this stuff down in long letters that I sent some close friends. And if you are totally uncertain, there is no shame in experimenting... It helped me a lot, I was totally unsure of myself until I just tried some stuff with a close friend.

 

Firstly, I've always both wanted and hated attention from men. Wanted because it made me feel special and went along with the fairy-tales I had in my head of having a husband and kids and dream life, but hated it because it actually made me feel uncomfortable and squirmy. It took a while for me to accept that.

Secondly, when I was younger I thought that if I felt nervous around a guy or thought a guy was good looking, that meant I liked him. I enjoyed that sensation because it made me feel grown up and normal. A little way into my first year of high school it occurred to me that I was gay and those feelings toward guys started to fade but I held on to those two or three crushes I had before that because I liked liking them. Later on, guys became like a conquest for me, a means to an end, and that meant something to me. Crushes would disappear once I either took off the rose tinted glasses and saw things as they really were, or when I realised I wouldn't get what I wanted from them. In the end it all made me anxious, and again, I played on that. (I developed anxiety at university so that had a major influence on me over the last three years).

It wasn't about not wanting to be with men anymore, but about realising that I don't have to be with men. Sometimes I wish I could be with men because it would make life much easier. I have considered sex with men, but only after I turned 20 and realised that I never thought about it, whereas I regularly thought about sex with women. With all of the crushes I've had on guys, at first it didn't occur to me to get physical with them, and then when that first kiss option was on the table, that was all I wanted them for. It was about having a boyfriend rather than having a relationship with someone.

On days where I feel confident and secure, the thought of intimacy with a man at the very least bothers me and at most grosses me out. I could tolerate it if I had to, but I have to pretty much force myself to get aroused by the thought of men, and that only seems to work for me if I'm incredibly turned on beforehand. Conversely, thinking about women makes me nervous, but once I am relaxed, it's easy and pleasurable.

I hope this gives you a better idea of what I meant and answers your question! If you need to talk a little more, message me or something.