I hate who i am

While I'm not 44, I can sympathize, and I have thoughts like this just about every day. Rightly or wrongly, if I'm going to hate something, I want to make sure I'm hating the right thing. After thinking about it, I realized that I really don't hate myself: it's not like being gay itself is physically uncomfortable to me (as opposed to, say, a migraine). No, what I hate, what I find uncomfortable, what I find painful, are the reactions of others. What I hate are homophobia and ridiculous judgments. Again, I'm not against hating; I just want to make sure I've got the target correctly identified.

 

Max

You cannot live with your sexuality in a vacuum. You need to get out and start finding other gay people. Doesn't Pensa cola have some gay venues?

 

got news for you EVERYWHERE is judgemental just not about the same things. I live NYC - yes its gay friendly but the reality is it's very narrow minded about other things... and in fact incredibly conformist just a different kind of conformity.

The tired probably comes from fighting yourself.. I don't mean this judgmentally because I am going through the same thing but you can, no matter where you are, come to peace with yourself.

 

I agree with crazydog. Turning the hatred inwards comes from the fear of judgement and pressure from the outside. I know it's kinda stupid for me to think I can comment on this, living in a fairly progressive country and having mostly accepting friends and family but the same happened to me. I thought I'm broken and wrong when it was stereotypes, bigotry etc that is wrong with the world, even where I live.

While fighter694 is not wrong, suffering is subjective and the fact that someone broke both legs can be little consolation to someone who broke only one of his... so yeah, it's tough for everyone who doesn't fit the norm but life can get better! Just expressing your pain to others who get it is a big thing.

 

I was going to say "Max, its time to re-invent yourself" but more accurately it is time to REVEAL yourself.

Face small town USA, and the world, on your terms.

You have spent 44 years living it on THEIR terms. And look where it got you. Not working for you any more?

Maybe you need a revolution inside your head and you may need help and support in doing this if it is overwhelming or feeling impossible.

As the saying goes: Born with lemons? Make lemonade!

 

Max10

I know some of us (me especially) can get a bit fired up and pushy. It is not so much that we don't empathize with your feelings (I was damn near suicidal) They are intensely personal and real. It is just that overcoming these fears can be so rewarding. Please continue to post. I think everyone here has your best interests at heart.

 

This says much more about *where* you are than it does about *who* you are. I would urge you to focus your anger/hatred where the problem actually is. So far, I've heard nothing that is wrong with *you*.

There are three approaches to your problem:
(1) change your sexuality
(2) change your location
(3) change how you allow your location to influence how you experience your sexuality.

I hate to say, but all available evidence and research suggests that (1) is impossible, so don't waste time there.

I don't know how (2) strikes you...it may or may not be feasible.

(3) is at least approachable for anyone anywhere. Being out in a scary place is (naturally) scary (and sometimes dangerous), but it is better in many ways than living in fear and secrecy anyway. It could also give you the strength you need to reconsider (2). But (3) doesn't even require being out...just developing a sense of inner peace around your sexuality...giving yourself permission to be gay, and fully experiencing that reality. That alone gives a wonderful empowerment.

 

Hi Max,

I know it's so hard going through this. I've been there right where you are now. I want to suggest a couple of things to you.

First, you may be too focused right now on the potential judgments of others around you in your small town. I live in a larger community, but really the feelings are the same. I believe that you still do not accept that you are gay and at peace with that fact. I suggest that you need to work on that issue internally before you worry about anyone else. Once you fully accept your sexuality and are at peace with it, then the judgments of others won't matter as much.

Second, start with your Orientation in your profile here on EC. Change it to gay. We're the only ones who will see it. Let that sit for a while and see how that feels. If it freaks you out, you can change it back. Do you really think you're still just curious? Or are you just stuck in being able to admit it.

Third, are you able to say either silently to yourself or even out loud when you're alone "I'm gay."? If not, try doing that and see how it feels to you.

Self acceptance begins with a simple declaration to yourself acknowledging your sexuality. Being ok with it, and even loving it come later. Start with just the simple acknowledgement and build from there.

Please keep posting. If I can come out at 47, married with two kids, then I believe anyone can.

 

Never confuse your own viewpoint with others...I think you dont hate who you are as much as you are hating the way OTHER people make you feel...
but YOU can love you, even if others dont you know...YOU ARE PERFECT...YOU are beautiful...
YES YOU ARE
Dont make other people's opinions your problem...
If you cant be you there...leave...they don't deserve you.

 

Word! Gay, bi, straight, anything - we should all be allowed to live for ourselves and not everyone else. It's not selfish, it's healthy. Took bloody long to figure that out and I still struggle to feel my worth sometimes. Only if we are merciful to ourselves we can give to others without feeling sucked dry and just dead and useless inside. If you feel that way all the time you may wanna seek help because depression makes everything harder. All the strength to you, Max10.

 

Such great points! When I joined up here several months ago I already had known I was gay for years and years, but I didn't put it in there as my Orientation. After a month or so I changed it and it made me feel a bit ill for the first week. But I left it and forced myself to look at it every time I logged in. Now I'm OK with it and I'd feel like a liar to change it to anything else.

Saying "I'm gay" to yourself sounds totally silly and ridiculous but when you do it you feel it. Even if you never say it to another person for the rest of your life. It matters to say it to yourself.

I'm not one of those types of people that would say "I love that I'm gay"... it's rather just something that is. A fact. About me. I can't change it. I can lie about it to others to protect myself, but at least when we're alone, we all owe it to ourselves be honest.

 

I'm riding th same roller coaster as you. The shame of being what I am, the lack of courage to face it, and the constant wish that I were born straight rather than, this. There are many people that can empathize with you, even sympathize. This is a good community to start with getting comfortable with yourself. I don't consider myself all the way there, but being on this site has helped a ton. Keep your head up, and keep going down your path. You'll get there when you're ready.

kyboan

 

Yes! it does sound ridiculous but it was incredible how helpful it was.

Yes I road that roller coaster too and I still am. But once I fully accepted myself as gay things became a lot better.

 

I feel for you Max10, I live in the southern United States. It is the reason I still have not come out. Well that and personal shit, but the environment sure doesnt help.