What can I possibly title this...any comments welcome

In my experience, my therapist has been brilliant so far and he is helping me to feel empowered and validaded and less guilty and ashamed of myself. I feel that I am making real progress in my journey towards self-discovery. The only issue left now is of a practical nature, on how to approach the subject with those around me in a sensible way.
Therapists (or counsellors) like any other profession, will have good, bad and ugly individuals. Researching is key: first finding the most authoritative professional body on your country, then you read about the specializations and certifications, then you can use the site's search tool to find people in the relevant field with the relevant specializations and certifications. Then you check their experience and approach to see if there is anyone that you really like, then you have one session to see how you go along. That's how I found mine and what really stood out was the way in which he described his approach, and I am really happy about him so far.

 

I'm sorry you are struggling, but based on my own experience I would like to encourage you to find another therapist.

Twenty years ago I went to see a therapist and developed a deep bond with her. She then had a nervous breakdown (I later discovered) but didn't tell me at the time. Instead, she told me I didn't need to see her any more because I was well now, and able to manage on my own.

I spent two years reeling from the shock of being dumped by someone who was supposed to be helping me, and twenty years assuming she must be right (because after all, she was one of the "experts"), and feeling really bad about myself because I didn't feel well at all.

Eventually I found my present therapist, who was absolutely horrified by what had happened to me, and has been extra careful with me as a result. It took me a year to trust her, but since then I have been able to see the progress I am making, and feel so much better about myself (and about therapists).

Based on my own experience, I believe that the sooner you find someone who can help you process what happened and show you not all therapists are like that, the better it will be. As Mr B says, if you research thoroughly, all you are committing yourself to is attending that first session. Hopefully it will go much better than you dared hope, and if it doesn't, then look again. If you don't like them, then work out why, and you then have more information with which to continue your search for someone who is the right fit for you.

I wish you all the very best.

 

I can relate so much it hurts. As far back as I can remember I've known that I'm not like other girls and will never become a woman. Growing up, sexual orientations of bi and gay were already pretty well understood and accepted in my circles and my parents were open minded and had gay friends so that was never much of a problem (except for my bullies) but nobody knew much of anything about trans people and nobody talked about it. All I knew about were transvestites and they were mostly treated as a joke, sadly. So I figured that my anxiety about being a "girl" was maybe just because of my sexuality or just another thing that is wrong with me.

When I hit puberty and started menstruating I remember feeling this otherworldly dread, like I am irreversibly changed and nothing will ever be the same, knew everything would go downhill from there. I thought of it as a spiritual experience or something silly at the time but now I know it was the hormones I'm clearly not supposed to have. From that day forward I plunged deep into the depression and anxiety that would plague me well into my late 20s and that thing I now know is called gender dysphoria.

My problems with my identity and self-esteem made me easy prey for bullies at school so that was everyday for me. I saw myself as neither male nor female, but subhuman. I wanted to remove my breasts and tried to bind but failed due to lack of skill and materials. When I had my first huge crush on a man I didn't only think he's hot but also that I wanted to BE like him which confused me. All this made me suicidal and prompted my mother to seek professional help.

I've been to MANY counsellors, nurses, doctors, psychologists about my issues and there has been great variation in the quality of care. Some have been terrible while the majority have been very helpful... with everything except gender dysphoria. I remember awkwardly touching on the subject in my early teens but I expressed myself so poorly and they were so out of their depth that they all ignored it as a phase or symptom. So I moved into the closet and decided that if I force femininity I'll learn to accept myself...

I still don't know exactly how I made it to where I am now but with supportive friends, by lucky coincidences, perseverance and a strange chain of events that are another story entirely, I turned my life around and just last week I finally admitted to myself and others that there is no denying it. I'm a trans guy. No matter how well I do otherwise I will feel broken until I fix this. I may not be a stereotypical macho man but I am no less a man. I'm terrified of the people involved in the process denying me care and I fear that people will misgender me until I die even after HRT but I'm going to go for it. Have not figured out all the practical details and how much it may cost but yup, I'm going to live for me now.

Sorry for this turning out a bloody autobiography... But, well, hopefully you feel slightly less alone reading other stories (works for me) and... Never say never! If you feel like this and still can't shake it well into your 40s then you likely won't. There are professionals today who are not clueless about trans issues and will help. Just gotta find them.

 

Been there too with the breast cancer thoughts... and general lack of self worth.

One thing that made things easier for me to process was the way I chose to look at transitioning. No human life is static anyway, so I like to think that from the moment I stopped denying it, my transition began, even when I could just say that "I'm not cis." but not yet that "I'm trans." What you are doing now and what I did not so long ago is a huge step - sharing it with others. Even if it's strangers online. In my experience a big part of the effectiveness of psychotherapy comes from saying things to someone less or not at all involved and while doing so affirming the emotions and things you're going through at the same time to yourself. I'm not saying talking to any random person counts as therapy but it can have that therapeutic value. Support from peers, friends and family has been invaluable to me.

Do you have any friends or family who might possibly be understanding or is there any local support group you could check out? I've been thinking of contacting mine.. other trans guys might even have tips for finding doctors that can actually help. it's so much easier to deal with it when you're not alone.

I don't know about your country but as far as I know it's possible in mine to change gender socially and legally even without surgeries. Don't remember if HRT is a requirement. But what will be will be and what won't won't. One step at a time is a good way to go about things.

What scares you most about the idea of transitioning? For me it's doctors not believing me, not passing properly, people never quite adjusting to my new name and gender, and one of the higher up bosses potentially bullying me.

 

The legal stuff only really counts to me because of my girly name and people calling me "miss" etc which make me dysphoric. I'm assuming people won't misgender as easily if one is officially male... though that assumption may be false. It's all so annoying and stupid, that people need to underline gender It's been easier with my breasts since I got a binder but I can't wear it all the time because that's painful and potentially dangerous. And my butt, thighs and voice are a constant reminder. Must get back to weight training...

I get what you mean about elderly people. My parents are part of the generation that is less likely to go batshit because of stuff like this. My dad may not know yet (public knowledge but haven't told him personally) so dunno what he thinks. Mum was mostly fine about it. But if my grandparents weren't all either dead or had Alzheimers I would worry about them finding out :/

The organisation sounds like just the thing, if they are people knowledgeable about LGBT+ issues. Hope you do get someone to talk to! I wouldn't necessarily completely give up on finding a good counsellor either. And on that subject, I'm slightly freaking out myself atm about how to go forward... I was introduced to a trans guy my friend knows so maybe he has some knowledge or encouragement. I've been told networking is good.

 

My mum is pretty cool, even if the first question she asked was "are you going to have some penis surgery now?" ... That shows how clueless even generally tolerant and open minded people are about trans folks. They fixate on the surgeries because that's the only aspect of it they can remotely understand. I don't suppose they know that not everyone even wants bottom surgery... Talking to that guy has been very helpful. I feel somewhat less worried. I now have an upcoming appointment to a doctor I hope will give me a referral to the local hospital's trans unit without having to explain a whole lot and beg for it. We'll see what happens, if anything.