Hello EC! I found this site over a year and a half ago out of absolute desperation. I had just turned 50, kids heading off to college, and nothing left to distract me from an intense desire to be with another man- I was beyond miserable. Posting my story here was so cathartic! I couldn’t believe all the empathetic and supportive comments. Turns out my story was less than unique. I was relieved to the point that I figured this outlet would allow me to get by. I had no desire to seek “coming out” support because that would never be me. I would somehow find a way to deal with the constant unhappiness. After a few more months the despair got worse so I asked an admin for help referring me to a therapist. For the first time I had someone to talk to face-to-face and actually used the word “Gay” out loud when talking about my depression. Though it didn’t kill me, I couldn’t say the word again for several months and I got sick to my stomach whenever the therapist used it. Therapy was not primarily focused on being gay, but rather all the shame I had heaped on myself over the years. It had infected everything from family to career and I was buried by it emotionally. I needed to feel better about myself before making any drastic decisions about the rest of my life- Which I KNEW would still never involve coming out. The therapist never pushed me toward a decision, she made it clear that if I did not want to come out, then she would help in making the best out of that chosen path. … 18 months later I came out to my wife and kids. Never say never I guess. Around the 16 month of therapy the decision to come out hit me one night. It was obvious I was doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life if I wasn’t honest about this. I knew my wife was miserable and my kids could tell for a while that something wasn’t right with me and would take it personally at times. I had disconnected from most of my friends, and physically I began to fall apart due to the anxiety and depression. Aside from possibly ending my marriage, certain friends or family members never being able to accept me, and the embarrassment of revealing “hey I’ve been a fraud all these years and by the way, I really want to have sex with a man!” I knew for certain that no other gay man is going to want a middle-aged and out of shape newbie like me. It didn’t help that I only seemed to be attracted to younger guys- So I’d be lonely but at least living honestly! Why am I doing this!? :-( My wife and I agreed to separate so I would be free to meet others, see what life could be like… is this really what I want?, etc. So I put myself out there on a couple dating apps. That was 4 months ago and it turns out that being 51 isn’t quite the curse I had imagined. I’ve dated guys from ages 25 - 45. Sitting in a theater, watching a movie while holding someone’s hand never felt so intense. The first time I kissed a guy that I was developing strong feelings for nearly brought tears to my eyes. It was shocking to realize that I had truly never experienced the kind of raw intensity and emotional connection to another person before this. The process of telling people continues to move along slowly. My kids were the easiest… It was as if I told them I was switching from Coke to Pepsi (Which I would never do btw!). They just want me to be happy and not shut them out as my life changes. My wife and I are going through all the highs and lows (mostly very low) of figuring out what our relationship will look like going forward. We will always be connected by our children, my hope is that we can stay close as friends. We shall see. So nearly 2 years since discovering EC, what was always just going to be a fantasy is becoming my reality. I know (ha! what the hell do I know anymore?)… I EXPECT there will be difficulties and disappointment going forward but at least I don’t have to walk around ashamed of this unbearably heavy secret that weighed down every aspect of my existence... Plus trading in the secret gay porn addiction for actual sex is, well... amazing. Sorry this was so long, but it was stories like this as well as many others that kept me going, that made me think just maybe there’s hope, and eventually changed my life. -A
Andy, this is a great post and I really appreciate you sharing. Your story resonates with me very deeply. I have just come out to my kids and birth family this week (I came out to my wife two months ago). I'm looking forward to the next phase and it's great to read about your experiences after coming out. Thanks!
So good that your kids were cool. Sounds like you did an excellent job raising them. Also glad that you found out that your age isn't a curse
AndyG, that's a very honest and, ultimately, inspiring story! Thanks for sharing! Stay Strong and Proud!
I came out to my kids at the beginning of the year. My college age son was completely good with it...whatever makes you happy, mom. My teenage daughter thinks I'm trying to ruin her life. But, I'm trying to work through that. Glad yours were receptive. It makes things easier.
What an amazing story of growth, progress and strength. You've made such huge strides. Thank you for sharing your story, it's really inspiring for me. And I can really relate to the bit of going through the separation....that is where I am in my journey. Can I just say, I'm so with you on trading in the gay porn for the real thing.:***: :icon_redf
Fab post! It's all a baby steps process isn't it. Ideally it'd happen overnight and be over and sorted....but that's not to be. So glad it's a majority of positives for you. Xx
It's good to read your update and I am pleased you have addressed some deep issues in therapy (that were no doubt connected to your sexuality) and have moved on to a better place. I'm sure it's been hard, but it's worth the effort. It sounds like you still have a journey ahead of you, but you can see some light now. Good luck and please keep us posted. We like to hear when our members make progress.
thanks for posting this. I am your age and i find this inspiring. I am really scared of fully accepting that I am gay.. I try to tell myself I am not and then i read your post and I could have written it or i wish I could have ... I guess it's difficult to accept that the promise of that intimacy and intensity is real when so much time has been spent in denial.
I didn't accept this personally until I was about 35. I can't say "I wish I had done something then..." because I was resolute that I didn't want to do anything to break up a family with small children. Not to judge anyone who comes out in that situation... Who knows If I would have been a better father/husband if I had. All I know is that now I am happy on a level I could have never imagined. I'm also trying to turn that into a positive to my family and friends. Those who have watched me suffer for so long deserve the best of me... And that's exactly how I am feeling now; at my best. Good luck to you and your journey. You have all my empathy and good wishes. It's a hell of a mountain to climb. Contact me here anytime for support or just a digital ear. -A ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2016 at 04:14 PM ---------- I can almost guarantee that coming out when my daughter was a teenager living at home I would have received the same message. That's really tough for both of you, you have my sympathy. As you already are aware... As she matures there's a great chance this will pass. Good luck on your very brave journey! -A
just wanted to say again how much this story has not only helped me accept that I am gay but made me want to move forward. I know that intimacy is missing from my life, and I absolutely know if do get to kiss a guy I am attracted to thats going to happen. Tonight I just thought about the possibility and I feel so happy right now. ...speaking of that can you recommend some good dating sites/apps. I am not looking for just sex. I went to craiglist and well. that was a little too much for me
Thanks so much for this post. As I've come to more fully accept myself for who I am and prepare to tell my family stories like this help me allay the fear, doubt and ward off the temptation to rethink everything for the umpteenth time. Happy for you!
I don't think I'm allowed to name anything specific. I have an iPhone, I looked at all the Gay dating apps and their rankings, and picked a few contenders. Things worked out best when I had the opportunity to briefly describe my situation next to my posted picture. I met all sorts of guys, but eventually stuck with those who just wanted to date, not just hookup. I have to say, one of the things that turned out to be attractive to other guys looking for a long term relationship was the fact that I had been married for 25 years. I received many comments about being someone who may potentially really know what it takes to commit. Probably a skewed view from those who were depending on apps to meet guys, but it helped nonetheless. If I hadn't already met someone I would be looking at joining some type of men's group- Might be a less chaotic way to meet someone, especially if shared interests are involved. ---------- Post added 7th Sep 2016 at 06:10 PM ---------- TravelerMe... two things! 1- I have that temptation to rethink everything every time I start to come out to someone important to me. It hard as HELL, but then after it's over, regardless of their reaction; I sit there with them for the first time as ME and I'm at peace. 2- As your signature reveals; You have AWESOME taste in music! I remember hearing that song, that particular line, in concert for the first time many years ago and thinking... "Holy shit how I can relate to that!"
Really nice post, 2 things, for people reading, you need to start some where and things take time, you can't rush it. Love this website, had lots of people with some great ideas. I could write a short story on all the people I have met in the past 3 and a bit years.
On not rushing it... It's a very good point. I had a therapist that helped me by forcing me to consider all the consequences of my coming out. Not to hold me back, but rather to prepare me for the onslaught of emotion and change I would be going through. As someone who initially would have done anything to avoid these changes it was critical that I understood what I was about to do. She gave me the tools to make this easier... Not easy! But easier. ---------- Post added 8th Sep 2016 at 09:05 AM ---------- Thank you Patrick! I will definitely post updates as things progress. Right now the main focus is dealing with my marriage while, surprisingly, dealing with a new relationship that is becoming something a bit more serious.
