Sorry for being down, I'm usually the upbeat guy the guy who cheers people up... But I'm down and I'm really having a hard time getting back up... It's hard, it's hard to be that guy when you can't even look at ypuself in the mirror... Every time I do my fists ball up and I want to smash that mirror, I haven't looked at myself in a mirror for more then a few seconds in weeks. I can't Every time I do my fists ball up and it takes everything I have not to smash it so I don't have to look at myself... Fuk this sucks so bad.
Hi, I'm sorry you not having a good run at the moment. If there is anything you want to talk about ill be more than happy to help in anyway I can, even if you just want to vent, that's cool.
Hi Stewie, I wish I could hug you in person. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I've had my own difficulties with mirrors too. It may help us to help you if we knew what you see in the mirror that evokes that reaction in you. I can imagine things, but I'd rather hear from you. Will you tell us?
Hang in there, Man. We all have bad days, but remember good ones are out there too. Take a deep breath, and remember there are others out here who get what you're going through. We got your back during the hard times. You're not alone.(*hug*)
Moments like this are tough - I've had more than my fair share of them over the years. Great that the EC community is here to reach out to for help and support. So let it all out if it helps. We're all here for each other as much as we can be.
Stevie I will echo what the others here wrote. Hang in there. I recall hating the mirror for a time too. Awful feeling. I kept wanting to see something else when I looked. Eventually I did. That mirror will become your friend. It really will.
Man, these emotions suck so bad, I feel you. Days where you feel trapped and just loathe everything, and unfortunately that includes that reflection in the mirror. But remember that you can take control at anytime and that the person staring back at you in the mirror is not the one to blame. You are doing the best you can in a very trying situation. Take heart and begin to love yourself, starting with the little things like your internal dialog. Sounds weird but begin to appreciate yourself for what your doing and focus on the positives as best you can. This will help pull you out and feel better about you (*hug*)
Defiantly had too many last night, was out with friends and had a lot of fun, then I came home, when I went to brush my teeth before Going to bed I stared at my myself in the mirror and then just completely broke down, I'm sure a lot of it was the alcohol, it tends to bring your emotions too the surface, I made this post, my wife and I talked, and we cried some more, it felt good to get it out, but Now this morning I just feel dumb, a bit ashamed for acting like a child last night, I don't know. It's hard to figure out these emotions sometimes especially when your not used to being the emotional one. I'm better today, my head hurts and my hand does as well, serves me right for punching the wall, at least didn't punch the mirror though cause it would probably have been a trip to the emergency room for stitches lol. Thanks. Ehh.
Ahh, that helps to explain your post. You did get me thinking about mirrors though. I haven't really looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. Of course I look at myself in the mirror to shave or brush my hair, etc. but I realize I haven't been really looking at myself. I've been looking at just parts of me, like my hair or my nose or my chin. Just individual parts. I can't really look myself in the eyes, it hurts too much to see me there. I've avoided that for a long time. Anyone else experience that?
I've never liked mirrors, obviously you have to use them but throughout my life I've never liked them and now the more I've been thinking about it, I wonder if it's because I always knew on some level I wasent being true to myself, and I didn't like the person staring back at me ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2016 at 10:22 AM ---------- Hmmm... See even dumb drunk thoughts are actually thoughtful sometimes lol
About 6 months ago, before I came out to my wife, I set up an encounter with another man for sex. I had finally decided I was not going to live my life without experiencing this. I met the guy but bailed...couldn't cheat. But, for about two months I could not look at my eyes in the mirror. I was that guy that I swore I wouldn't be. Promised my wife I wouldn't be. I went into therapy to try to understand myself and this forum, which I leaned on heavily. The day after I told my wife everything, I could look myself in the mirror again. Then, I realized that it wasn't that I was going to cheat. It was that I was not accepting a big part of me. I was afraid to truly acknowledge that I am not a straight man. The day after my first sexual encounter I was again afraid to look. But, I did and I liked what I saw. Stewie. You will do the same thing. Gay is not a curse. It just is. Anger at yourself is totally misdirected. Anger maybe for a society that didn't allow the freedom to understand ourselves earlier. But, we cannot change the past.
Stewie, I know that anger and rage that comes out from time to time. For me its a feeling of being trapped at the moment where I realized I'm in a place that's not real for me anymore; trapped in my hetero world. Don't feel bad about it; when you're the calm and collected one that's usually in control it comes out strongly and without warning. As Nick said anger at yourself is misdirected; its our situation that sucks and pulls us in ways that feel a bit out of control sometimes.
So I am going to take a different stance on this. If you feel like punching a wall or a mirror then maybe you need to find someone to punch like a punching bag, that won't damage your hands but to keep punching it to release your frustrations. Holding it in and sucking it up doesn't deal with it. Too often especially as men we try to figure out our emotional state with our minds. As men, we need to release that energy otherwise it will escape from us in some other form - like lashing out with sarcasm or hurtful words (self-directed or other-directed). and as men we are conditioned to be afraid of our own anger, we must work it out in our brains. your body is telling you something go with what your body wants to do (as long as you are safe and others are safe). Don't get into your head to try and figure it out, we live in our heads way too much. My suggestion is keep punching and after awhile you will find the release and the answer to what is behind the punch. More often than not behind a man's anger is sadness. But it takes a journey through anger for your body (emotional state) to find the sadness. Be authentic
After coming out, I find that I can't not smile at myself in the mirror. I hope I stop doing that soon, I think it makes me look kinda goofy smiling at myself in the mirror. But, oh, how it does feel good!
