Not sure what this is going to end up being... A rant, a statement... I don't know. Haven't been very active here the last weeks, busy with work and having doubts about making the right decision. I know everyone who goes through this has these doubts, these feelings, this stress... Coming out was initially hard, it hurt me it hurt my best friend(my wife) so much it was almost unbearable.. it's unbelievably confusing, the feeling of being lost... But then this smile crept onto my face and it stayed there for awhile, which made me think I made the right choice, and it's still there but it keeps getting pushed off by feelings of despair and loss, WTF am I going to do now!!! Alls I think about day and night is my next step, it's more then just the unknown(which btw is my only fear) I'm stepping out into nothingness there nothing there.. Every time I test the road ahead with my foot, the ground in front of me falls out and I have to back step yet again to the doorway, I'm stuck in that dammed doorway... I opened it, and broke it off so there's no going back but there's nothing for me to step on. No way forward that doesn't involve, up turning the rest of my life and walking away with it in shambles... Despair is what I'm feeling. Was moving some stuff around in my room, found all our wedding photos that she has taken down... Moving things around that were given to us... Wtf am I supposed to do with all this crap we have accumulated over the years, it's not like I have some major sentimental attachment to it, it's crap, stuff, but still I feel guilty even thing about throwing it out, I feel like taking my dogs for a walk and leaving a candle burning(on its side) so I come home to a pile of ash... Then I would have to start fresh... Ya this is starting to look like a rant. Sorry. She's going on a coffee date with her exBfriend and first love tonight from 21 years ago, I'm happy for her I've been giving her advice, I've been hoping she can find happiness with him... But it's breaking my heart it hurts, it hurts bad... I feel the exact same as I did in the months prior to coming out to her, just instead of putting on the fake smile because I'm living a lie and slowly dieing inside... To putting on the same fake smile, and slowly dieing inside because Im losing my whole life(as I know it) and I have no idea what or where I'm going to... All the helpfulness and supportiveness I received from everyone I told lasted as long as that one conversation with them, haven't spoken with anyone since I told them I was gay... I guess that is just yet another example of how two faced people truely are, not one of them have even sent me a text asking how I'm doing, or just to say hi, it's been weeks... I can already feel it bubbling up inside me the whole F-them attitude of mine is gonna pop up here shortly, I've been thinking about selling everything here and just packing up and ditching them all anyway, "ungrateful sonsofabitches..." Ok ok I'm calming down already that kinda made me laugh(I said it out loud to myself) but honestly I'm the nice one, I'm the one who has helped them all countless times, been there when they needed a hand or just an ear for them to listen, offer advice, whatever and I tell them this... Literally the biggest thing ever, and not even a text a call... Nothin "Ungrateful SonOFAbitches" try saying it out loud with a bit of an Italian accent, it will make ya laugh lol. If ya made it through all that thank you. Was a rant/vent but it made me feel better just typing it out. And again, love this site (&&&)
Hi. I often think about the candle burning idea. Like a 'highlight-delete' button. Wouldn't it be simple. I too have been faced with fair-weather friends. Battles with depression and whatnot have made it that I wasn't the first person to text all the time, and so the friendship or whatever has fizzled. I don't know what to advise/say...just that I hope your hurt becomes less, as things settle and you find someone/something to coax you out of that door
Sorry to hear of your troubles Stewie. I have been following you since I read that you came out to your wife. I did also but I guess its different since I came out Bi. My wife seems ok with it....like she already knew. But I do sense this difference sometimes. I worry because she is my best friend and losing her would be a devastation. In my fantasy I guess I think I could meet someone she can accept into our lives...lol. Maybe I just want my cake and eat it too as my mom used to say. I hope that you can meet someone to help you through this difficult time. Hey at least you are being honest with yourself and others...I gotta think that would bring some good karma your way.Peace and Love Stewie.
Stewie This all has got to hurt a bunch. But, be careful burning bridges here. Slow down a little a let everyone else catch up. I think there is a tendency for us to feel let down when those around us are not caught up with what we are going through. My wife commented once that " you have had 30 years to understand how you feel and I have had 30 days. Give me a chance to catch up". Your friends may think you need the time.
Fuck, what a shitty feeling! Hope it felt better to pour it all out to us. Couple of thoughts: Don't trash all your stuff. It must have come as a shock to find memories of your life together cast aside without care. You may be angry in the moment....and your wife may be as well considering she took everything down, but over time, I hope you can look upon those photos and remember the reasons why you did fall in love with that person... The past is a big part of the fabric of your life, your story and your journey. Regarding friends. I feel the same way. I opened up to three or four people and nary once do I hear a "how are you doing?" I know it's easy to take it personally and trust me, I have gotten mad about it. But then I have to remember that my friends have their own lives, and their own shit to deal with as well. Maybe some of them just don't know how to break the ice and bring it up, or they assume not hearing from you means you're doing okay. Maybe try reaching out one more time... That's what I'm in the process of doing right now. I'm even prefacing it by saying, "Hey, that was a doozy I threw at you... hope that doesn't make things weird between us." Finally, the fake smile. That's a tough one. You have to put on the fake smile for some... but don't try to fake it with everybody. Coming out is about finding your authentic self, and being authentic in every day life... so if you're feeling shitty, let it seep out somehow. Be real with at least one person. Feel free to rant here any time!
Thanks all, really appreciate the thoughts and advice. Like I said I was feeling better by the time I wiped the tears away and laughed at myself for the SonOFAbitches line. There not all bad my one good buddy is really the only one or my friends who is actually there for me, and after re-reading that again it kinda sounded like my wife wasent being supportive. She is, she is amazing, she is my best friend were sitting here rate now out on our patio talking as I'm typing this, I understand why she took them down...they were everywhere and honestly I didn't even realize she had taken them down until I found 5-6 of them in the closet... Which kinda makes me sound like a heartless ass. Lol Again I love this site and my chin is still up and that smile is still there(not the fake one) (&&&)
It's so hard to have done what you've done and live with the feelings of responsibility for hurting your wife. And then finding there's no one around for you to lean on. But hang in there and don't lose sight of why you've come out. There'll be plenty of other tough times along the way but hopefully there'll be moments and periods of happiness and pride in yourself.
We are there for you stewie. It is a tough time for you but I also see chances for great growth and closeness.Hang in there bud
