Hi all, I haven't posted anything here in a while. Everything pretty much the same: 2 kids, long-term hetero relationship. Out to therapist only, but feeling gayer than ever. Harder than ever to stay in the closet now that I've acknowleged the facts about myself and that I'am ok about it (maybe even a bit proud). I've written something as if I'd be telling her, something along the lines: 'I finally recognized that I've always been gay... and so on...' Upon reviewing it, I was struck by the number of times I had written the word 'I' on it. Literally on every sentence! Does it mean I am an egoist bastard who only think about myself? What about other people's feelings, what about herself and the kids? On top of that, after seeing some unrelated stuff, I had been reflecting on how social medial is leading people towards chasing ever higher (impossible) ideals of happiness and perfection. Could it be that I am just being led astray by a relentless wave of individualistic mentality in this doomed consumerist society? Could it be that as the bar is set impossibly high, we will all be condemned to eternal unhappiness? Is this whole thing about finding true happiness, authenticity, etc... just a mirage in the desert or is it for real? What I have now is far from perfect but its real.
IMO, I think people have always been chasing after happiness. Social media has now made it possible to connect with so many others that we see it more. Not that it's happening more. Your story is just that, yours. It should contain sentences with "I." How else can you frame your struggles but to use yourself in the first person. Your Out Status still says Questioning. Are you still questioning your sexuality? Or have you really come to the conclusion that you're gay? If you still can't say "I'm gay" in an anonymous forum like EC, then I don't think you are ready. Perhaps you still haven't truly accepted it even though you say you are ok with it. The road from denial to acknowledgement to acceptance to pride is a long road, full of bumps and u-turns, faulty directions, and side streets that lead nowhere. The destination can sometimes seem so far away it's like a mirage on the horizon. You're here, so some part of you wants to travel that road. Each time you put roadblocks in the way, though, stops your forward progress. Are those roadblocks real or are you putting them there out of fear? Just some thoughts to ponder. I wish you safe travels on your journey!