Deadlock

So many of us have been in Nerdbrains situation and it's not a nice place to be. If it was, none of us would be here on this forum looking for and giving support. And all of us who are now happy with who we are probably agree the only way to resolve the internal deadlock is get out and experience life. Being gay means so many different things to different people and there is so much diversity in the LGBT world that there's no need to feel like you have to be something you're not. I'd suggest finding a gay friendly therapist and working through the issues with them but also finding time just to be yourself. All that chatter and noise going on in your brain may not actually be who you are, maybe it's a defence mechanism or maybe it's hiding other equally important issues too uncomfortable for you to confront. Or maybe it's just a bad habit you've developed. But you do need to test your internal conclusions and cognitive processes in the real world and that means interacting with people on these issues.

 

To all: I love this forum! Thanks for all these very astute and thought provoking threads. I learn so much here.

 

Yep it was the death of my parents that got me thinking. I asked "hey I might be gay."

Hum, the work "acceptance" is getting me wondering.

---------- Post added 24th Aug 2016 at 07:26 AM ----------

I agree with the get out a experience life.

I agree with gay friendly therapist. I will add, and NOT A GENERAL THERAPIST.

Its my theory the noise in your brain is your inner primal core part of your brain. This part of the brain contains a large part of your emotions. (sorry cant think of name at this moment.) I've read this part is developmentally older than the cerebral cortex, your logic processor. Its my theory this chatter or noise is this primal portion (damn what is that name) exerting it's "two cents".

Yes. Habit. In fact I've posted a few posts on habits.

 

Hey Nerdbrain

When you are out and you see a hot guy are you attracted to him? I mean you feel something in your gut? Not about what he or you could do together. But, a primal urging? In blunt terms. Do you see a dude or a dildo?

 

Nerdbrain,

It definitely sounds like you haven't resolved internal homophobia and shame as part of coming out to yourself. I came out to myself two years ago, but it took another two years before I could find real acceptance in myself. Those issues may be coloring every interaction with a guy and preventing you from enjoying it.

 

Deadlock sounds familiar to me. Not all guys are into random hookups so maybe you aren't either and you can still be gay without conforming to that stereotype. The random hookup sounds fun in some ways, but at least right now I wouldn't be comfortable actually doing it. I think I need to get to know a guy first, ideally become good friends and have a relationship to really enjoy sex. Maybe if I ever get confident with meeting guys I could do a hookup, but who knows.

I don't understand the part about being a guy's bitch for sucking his dick. What if he's sucking yours? I see it as equals unless you like the dom/sub thing which is fine, but you said it was a shaming voice. Would dating guys first rather than hookups work better for you? I do hope you figure it out. I'm stuck as well and know it's frustrating.

 

Maybe this has been said elsewhere, but I just had a thought.... What if you forget the whole notion that you're gay... if having sex with a guy right now isn't your thing, don't force it.... what if you went out and searched just for male companionship? Just good old fashioned platonic companionship? Somebody you can relate to, confide in... maybe someone you get close to. You're not forcing it.... it just happens naturally... maybe over weeks... months... and maybe, you fall for the person and the two of you eventually make love... not sex... but tender lovemaking, where you're making yourself vulnerable to this person you trust... you're not his bitch.... you're someone he admires, has grown to like... and likes you for who you are.

How does one find such a person? Going back to earlier conversations you've had over the months, maybe it goes back to just going out and enjoying life a bit and that person shows up in the most unexpected way. (I hope this didn't come across as the plot of a cheesy gay version of a Nicholas Sparks movie)

 

Sadly, that sounds like shame - the most destructive of human emotions and something so many of us deal with all the time. Until you can remove it from the equation totally or at least just ignore it, things will be difficult. I've not mastered it yet either which is largely why I'm not out with family and friends.

What about your out status? Are you out of the closet? If not, could the fact that you operate in secrecy be making things worse? Could that be a reason why you keep hearing that little voice? Some people don't need to be out, it doesn't impact their lives too much, while others absolutely suffocate and simply cannot function in hiding. Maybe you can't be gay until you come out as gay?

 

Idealization is not sexual attraction. I see muscle bound athletes and admire them. I see a particular type of guy and I get an ache deep inside. It resembles hunger. Do you get this?

 

Oh good. For a second I thought you were ugh straight! How boring!

I will share...big surprise...I have been with two guys intimately. The first was a bust I sarted to re-question my sexuality. I was able to "finish" but I sort of had to fantasize that my wife was watching to make it happen. The second guy, it blew me away! Outward appearances the first guy was more my type.

Your hookup experiences are not defining. Sex is about chemistry and desire. I wonder if you need to take this really slowly and build up the attraction. maybe as Herewego thought. Why try perform in some idealized gay manner?

 

Good for you! I have to say, as much as you beat yourself up, I feel like you are taking actions to try and figure things out.

 

The whole gay sex thing seems to be overloaded for you, so I am going to suggest that you stop trying to be gay from a sexual perspective. No more gay sex for the nerdy banana :dead:

Being gay is more than sex, though, it's about love and companionship. What troubles me about this vignette is that when you start to get to know someone and realize that he is just a normal guy you hit the brakes. This is the opposite of what you should be doing; you've found a real guy who you might be able to have genuine fun with, so you need to continue to interact with him unless you are afraid that he might realize that you are just a normal person too. Perhaps that's the problem? You have this idealized sense of who you ought to be, and you don't want anyone to discover the truth that you fall way short of your (impossibly unrealistic) idealized self. As I write this, I'm thinking this is a page out of The Velvet Rage.

You've analyzed and explored this to death both on EC and with your army of therapists, and I have a gut feeling that you need to focus therapy more on addressing secondary issues that block progress on your sexuality, for example, the judgmental voice which seems to be the guardian of your idealized self.

You need to take baby steps before you are ready for sex. I think spending time drawing/painting (even better if it's with gay men) is a good start. I think engaging with the LGBT community and meeting gay friends in a non-sexual way (meetups support groups et al.) would be a good way for you to learn who you really are and meet people you can have (non-sexual) fun with.

 

There's some really great advice here especially the last post from SiennaFire. Hope you can take it to heart, Nerdbrain and learn just to be with yourself even when the negative thoughts kick in. Have you tried Mindfulness? It might help you to exist more in the moment. Good luck.
And I'm also going to take on some of the advice mentioned here to kickstart my plans to finally come completely out of the closet and get involved in the LGBTI community.

 

For a while, I participated recently in an art class that also allowed the students to pose nude. The first time I did this was an amazing experience, almost cathartic in that it challenged my ego by making me see, through their work, how I am seen by others.

It was first and foremost great training for being vulnerable.