Anyone else feel 'creepy'?

lol thanks..yea i kno where the asexual thing stems from...heartbreak..i fell in love with a girl (after multiple fallin in loves...but she was different..) and i am to the point where i only want her and even tho shes gone from my life now i feel like noone else will do....and so when i see another girl that i find attractive, i see her (in my mind, i remember memories of her) and feel sad and just turn away from the idea that i found this new girl attractive.....its fuked up i kno...maybe sumday ill meet sumone new who replaces these feelings but for now i guess it is what it is

 

I've had about 5 hours of sleep in the last day or so because of work; I'll try to answer as coherently as I can, but no promises.. :sleep:

Well, I had crushes on guys in middle school and high school, but it was always like "oh my gosh, look at how cute his hair is" or "he has such an adorable smile." I guess I looked at them sort of like little puppy dogs or something, haha. I just wanted to look at them and maybe cuddle them; I never thought about them in a sexual way at all. Looking back, there was probably some amount of compulsory heterosexuality involved. I felt that I had to like guys, but I always admired the ones with traits that were considered more feminine. For the longest time I thought my feelings were totally normal. (A lot of women never thought about guys in a sexual way, right?!) I don't remember a certain "aha" moment, but at some point I realized that my crushes on guys were more like platonic admiration, and the idea of hetero sex grossed me out. Then around age 17 I started realizing my attraction to girls. I actually discovered this lesbian singer named Dani Shay and found her really attractive; I like to joke that she was like my gateway drug, haha. Then I began liking my best friend, so I knew it probably wasn't just a fluke with girls. I kept holding onto the idea that I was bi, and maybe I just hadn't found the right guy, and if I fell in love with a guy's personality, then I would surely become attracted to him. Sometimes I still feel like that could happen, but in reality, probably not. I've come to accept that I'm pretty gay.

 

I'm not a huge sexual person. I just don't think about sex when I am attracted to someone...but could always be for some other reason I am not aware of yet.

I get this magnetic draw of wanting to kiss a woman....while I never get that magnetic draw to kiss a man...

There is just something magnetic while with men it's thought out.

I'm still piecing it all together/accepting my feelings.

But, When I try to think of woman in a sexual way I feel like it's wrong...I'm not suppose to do that. But, there is something about it that is comfortable. While with men it just doesn't feel right if that makes sense.

I think it's more a mixture of having to accept this aspect of self and also having to deal with the expectation of what society thinks should occur in someone's sex life.

**I have had involvement with men...so I at least know how that made me feel***

 

This is why I don't tell people I'm gay actually. For one, I had a bad case of the straight-girl crush for a while. I was head over heels for a girl who liked to hold hands and joked about being gay (got increasingly annoying, as you can imagine, since she most certainly wasn't gay.) She was accepting, but had very religious parents. I felt like a creep all the time around her, and I've actually decided to drop the friendship to avoid disaster. Things could get bad for her if her parents misunderstood things
Mostly it's my dad's generalizations of gay people. I debated gay marriage with him once when the news was on, and he told a story about men who made forceful advances on him- in two different instances. He said that's why he's uncomfortable about it. So, I keep my distance from girls my age most of the time, in case they think I'm interested.
I might be totally misguided about that lol. Feel free to slap my face if I am :eusa_doh:

 

My mother has trouble making decisions. So I can never get a clear idea of where she stands with homosexuality. But, when they passed homosexual marriage on a federal level I remember her and my aunt saying some harsh horrible things. When the homosexual marriage bill pass....I felt so much relief...I wasn't aware that It was weighing on me so much.

All I can tell is she doesn't believe in hatred...but she doesn't accept homosexuality.

My uncle is homosexual...and my father..I am not sure where he stands. I don't really bother to care. But, my father I don't think ever acknowledge his brother's relationships as a relationship.

I always seen my mother as the type that had trouble making firm decision/opinions about things. My father is passive aggressive... honestly mother and father might both be passive aggressive.

But she speaks like your father....she was like "I use to have no problem being around gays....but I have had bad experiences with them and they don't care for you...so why care for them?" To me that is a weird thought...There are many people in the world that don't care about the other but that doesn't equate to a generalization.

People like to generalized because it makes a complex world a little less complex when made into a black & white viewpoint. So....Idk what your age is but you might want to keep it on the down low unless you find someone you are very serious about :music: :love: (marriage/life companion/make a family)...and just make sure you are dealing with a person who doesn't mind keeping it on the down low. The person has to also be mature; not immature or the vengeful type.

 

Ironically I'm 100% a dude and I feel creepy checking out women. According to society I shouldn't but I do. So to answer your question, you're not the only one.