Hello, Does anyone ever feel that for all the soul-searching, the self-analysis, the contemplation, that you probably won't ever come out to your close family or friends? I think about it a lot, imagine how it might go, how everyone would react, but on a grounded real-life level, I feel it just won't happen. To top that off, over the past year some things have happened within my family that make my problems seem... insignificant - I'd feel incredibly selfish to add fuel to an already blazing fire. So, yeah, does anyone feel like you just won't do it? If so, what's standing in your way? What holds you back? **I was going to post this in the Later In Life forum since I'm now well past 30, but I figure it's really a question for anyone at any age. **
Yeah, I totally felt that way for such a long time. I came out to myself two years ago, but even then still believed I would never come out to anyone else. I had resolved to take it to my grave. I had so many reasons. 1. I have a wife and two kids. 2. I've been married for 20 years. 3. I have an established life with a professional job, working with dozens of colleagues and managing a staff of 25 people. 4. I'm the President of a Parents Association for one of my kid's school activities. 5. Between my work, my kids, my wife, my larger family, our activities, I'm known to probably hundreds of people. You all have your own lists. Those were the things standing in my way. What they all have in common as a barrier to coming out is fear. The fear of what they are all going to say. The fear of what they will think about me. The fear of their disapproval. Their disgust of me. Their disappointment. The truth is that all of those fears weren't real. They were my beliefs of how I felt about myself that I was projecting onto everyone else. I really don't know how people will react. Some will be positive, some negative. Most won't care. I'm done with fear. And I'm coming out.
I feel like that in terms of my gender. I wish I'd always been a boy so I could be happier and I wouldn't have this problem and I wouldn't have to go through all the bias and misinformation on both sides of the trans debate, the pain of coming out and possibly being rejected for it and transitioning itself. I often wonder what the point would be. Sure, it may make me happier, but it's a big risk and I'm kinda used to being unhappy anyway so...what's the point?
Of course fear plays a major part for me as well. A big soul-crushing part. However something else that bothers me is the additional scrutiny it would put on those around me. I really don't want something about ME to have any kind of impact on how my family is viewed. I don't want people to pity my parents because they have this new albatross of a gay son on their hands to deal with. I remember once hearing someone talk about the mother of a girl that came out saying, "...as if she didn't have enough trouble with Andrew..." (he was in jail) "...now the other one is a lesbian..."... And since then every time the woman's name is mentioned someone will say "her daughter is a lesbian"... UGH! It's as if the daughter's sexuality changed her identity! My list of things that get in the way just seems to get longer all the time. Maybe it's all just excuses, but I really don't know how to find a way past most of them to make the process anything less than mass destruction. Every time I think about it I just feel so selfish. I worry more about how my coming out will impact my family than how it might make my own life better/worse. I feel so stuck!
