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When did you decide to come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lambeau, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. Lambeau

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    I'm at the point where, for the first time ever, I'm seriously considering coming out. The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm ready for everybody to know. I'm okay with one or two people knowing, but if I tell them, there's a possibility it could get out to more people, and eventually to my mom. While I think she'd be accepting, I'm not sure I'm ready for her to know I'm gay.

    I came out to an online friend over a week ago, and I felt like I just needed to tell someone at that moment. However, right now I don't have that same urge and drive to tell someone in my real life.

    So when did you decide to come out? Did you get a gut feeling it was time? Did you just bite the bullet and go for it? I know in the end I have to decide when, but any advice is appreciated.
     
  2. Eab91

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    I slowly came out to a few people at a time. My soon to be ex husband was the first to know, I then told my mother and mother in law, and a few friends and coworkers. But thats it so far.... I am afraid of completely coming out. I know a lot of people that have made homophobic comments that I know will think differently of me if I do.

    The only reason I even came out to so many people is because my husband and I are getting a divorce and I had to explain being lesbian was partially the reason why.

    HUGS(*hug*)
     
  3. Billy the kid

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    I met someone who turned out to be my best friend. He was someone that was a stranger to all of my other friends. I just had a certain feeling that I could trust him with a secret. I decided one day to tell him and he was so accepting! So if you have a friend you know you can trust, tell them, only when you are ready though. Then go from there, good luck, and I am happy for you!
     
  4. bjanna

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    Out to everyone
    I'm lesbian but I used to identify as bi, but even though I knew I identified that way for a while, I didn't feel a need to come out to my family, or my friends, even though a few of my friends came out to me as lesbian and asexual respectively. I think I came out nonchalantly to my close friends in a group chat one night last year because I just felt like it (yolo - lmao no). I still didn't come out to my family because I thought it wasn't too big of a deal. I came out to my parents back in march when I realized I was lesbian because I was happy that I had finally realized it, and I wanted to in the moment.
    It's probably not such an in the moment thing when you don't know if your parents are supportive but luckily mine have been very supportive for a long time. I think if I didn't come out to my parents in that state of being happy and excited, I probably wouldn't have felt such a big urge to come out.
    But, I do think it's worth coming out if the friends or family you're coming out to will be supportive. And also, if you experience those awkward questions like in my case "Wow, do you like him?" "Are you ever going to get a boyfriend?" because if you're not worried that the people you want to come out to will judge you, it can ease pressure.
    Of course it's not as simple as that sounds, and I was nervous with my friends and family, I even messaged one friend privately asking if she had seen the message because I was worried, and I asked my mom endlessly if she was okay with my being gay, but throughout these 5-6 months since, I'm happy about it, I can be more open and I feel closer to the people I've come out to.
    If someone is close to you and you come out to them, they'll probably know it's not fine to share it with the world, but you can tell them seriously that it's something really personal you're not ready for everyone to know and they'll understand that it's serious.
    You never have to come out, but if you feel ready and have someone accepting you want to know, it can be worth it. If you're not ready for someone like your mom to know, you could wait and feel it out, you never have to come out. It probably will happen eventually, but you're in control of when that happens.
    Good luck, don't stress about it if you don't even want to come out right now. Don't feel pressured. I just want to let you know that it will be okay if and when you come out, but you don't have to. Anyways, have a good day :slight_smile:
     
  5. sapphiregirl

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    A few days after having a 'realisation', I came out as bisexual. I should've waited though, because even when I thought I was bi, I think I always knew deep down I was a lesbian. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Unfortunately, I came out as bisexual because I think it was the easier route for me at the time. Bad, I know!

    So, I came out as bisexual to my mum (through a lot of tears). She was chatting to me about how she knew I'd meet "the perfect man" one day, and I just desperately wanted her to know I liked women too. I burst out crying when I told her because I had so many repressed emotions. She took it really well. I later told a few of my closest friends who were equally as supportive.

    However, about four months later, I knew I had to bite the bullet and tell people the truth. I knew I was gay, and I should've just told everyone that from the start. I gradually let my friends know in a casual way - through texts if we were talking about the topic, or just in person by saying, "ah, yeah, I've kinda realised I'm only into girls." I find this approach works well because you're not making it a huge, formal declaration.

    I believe you should come out when you know in your heart that the time is right. If you're discussing the topic of relationships or boyfriends/girlfriends/dating, then that's always a good time to bring it up. Tell people you trust and who you feel comfortable with. If you're not really sure that you should tell someone, then it means you probably shouldn't just yet. Go with your gut.

    Stay strong :slight_smile:
     
    #5 sapphiregirl, Aug 22, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2016
  6. Majush93

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    when I realized that I am bi (I was 21 years old) I waited like a month so that I really thought about me, what it means, how i feel and if I want to tell someone...but it was obvious from the start for me that I had to tell someone because I couldn´t bury it just in myself you know? xD so I told my best friend (she was really supportive ♥) and after few weeks I have told my mum, few cousins and one more friend and that´s about it...during last few months I haven´t come out to anyone but I don´t really feel the need right now I guess...I´m considering one more cousin (male) but I´m in no hurry...I am comfortable as I am now so I don´t really think about coming out :wink:)

    I think it´s about how you feel :wink: if you don´t want to come out or don´t have the urge maybe don´t ? But I also think it´s different for everybody, it´s really hard to tell you when or how you should come out...I think you will figure it the best and you will know when you are ready :wink:) anyway...good luck :slight_smile:
     
  7. Lostandfound36

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    I came out to my family and close friends when I was 18. I I had fallen in love for the first time, and it was with a woman. I hadn't had any real relationships before that. I had a couple of boyfriends I high school, because that's what a gorl's supposed to do, right? But none of them felt right and none lasted very long. But, I came home from college one weekend for a visit and I told my family that I liked girls... They all responded with 'we already knew that, we were just waiting for you to figure it out!' :slight_smile:
     
  8. Wolfwing

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    Well with both the times I came out, it was completely unplanned and I didn't even think about how it was gonna go before hand.
     
  9. lovetoomuch

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    I started coming out to people when 1.) I was comfortable with my sexuality and 2.) I was tired of hiding it. Throughout high school, I thought about my sexual orientation very little, but knew there was an attraction to guys. I had a crush on a guy for about two years and I told him the summer after my first year of college (June 2014). I was "kindly" rejected, but after that whole debacle, I really started putting thought into my sexual orientation. Even with no relationship or sexual experiences, I realized I was gay. So, it took me time to process my thoughts and completely understand what I was thinking. "I'm gay" seemed so hard to accept and let me say it took a while to believe.

    November 2015 I told a friend for the first time. At this point, I completely accepted my sexuality. I would say I accepted it the summer of 2015 and it was a great feeling. And honestly, after realizing my sexual orientation, I was ready to tell people. After being scared for so long that people would find out about my attraction to guys, I wanted to live the life I dreamed of - with a guy. So as I said, I told my first friend in November, told a few more friends in December, and then my parents in January. By June 2016, almost all the important people in my life knew. And I got the equality sign tattooed on my chest three weeks ago and posted a picture of it. So, at this point, I really don't know who knows (because some people didn't understand the meaning of my tattoo).

    I know a decent number of people know now and it's a great feeling. I don't go around saying "Hey I'm gay" but I'm much more open about it and I feel so relieved. I think the most important thing is making sure you are comfortable with your sexuality. If you are still dealing will some self-hate or uncertainty, it may not be the right time to come out.

    Uncertainty would just be a problem because you wouldn't want to come out publicly and then switch your sexual orientation one year later. If you still deal with self-hate, you can definitely tell close friends or others who you feel can support you. However, coming out publicly and still not accepting yourself would be tough; if someone didn't take you coming out well and you still had self-hate, their words could really hurt (in my opinion).

    Best of luck!
     
  10. laviedadele

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    When I was about to go on a date with a girl. I didn't want to go without telling my 4 best friends. However, I was very uncomfortable talking about it.
     
  11. Lambeau

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    Thanks everyone for the replies! I haven't made up my mind about when I want to come out yet, but reading everyone's stories helps me a lot.
     
  12. sunnyskies

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    I have only come out to my two best friends so far and let me tell you, as daunting as it was to say it to them, I feel so so glad I did. I had gotten to a point where keeping my feelings to myself was eating me alive and I would go to bed every night and just cry because I felt so alone with what I was feeling. The first friend I told had to get it out of me because I was so hesitant to tell her but she knew something was up.
    Initially I felt strange and very very vulnerable, because I had been keeping it to myself for six years. But the following day I felt so much lighter and much much less isolated. Talking to her has definitely helped me become more comfortable with myself and my attraction to women; she has been so incredibly supportive! Being able to voice how I've been feeling has also made my feelings a lot clearer and has definitely helped me along with accepting myself.
    The second friend I told is someone I hang around with a lot, along with the first friend I told. I really wanted to just be able to be myself when I was with them and really wanted to let her in on the feelings I was having. I just hated being so covert about it all, so I told her one night with my other friend present. Again, she was incredibly supportive and I felt even more comfortable telling her than the first time; I was still incredibly nervous but much more at ease with what I was saying than I had with my first friend.
    Having my two best friends in the loop is just the best thing I've ever done. I had put it off for so long because I was so scared of losing them, but with their support I can now be myself around them; there's nothing I have to repress and choke down when I'm with them. When they ask me how I am I can be fully honest.

    I'm preparing to tell my parents soon, mostly because I'm sick of keeping this a secret from them. I hate being dishonest and sometimes I feel like by keeping them in the dark I'm somehow lying to them.
    I guess ultimately for me, I've come out when I just cannot take the isolation anymore, when it's just gotten so exhausting and depressing not having the people closest to me know about what I'm going through. Even though I wasn't 100% sure where I fit into the spectrum/what to label myself, I'm so pleased I still let people in to how I was feeling because letting them in and talking about it has actually been a huge help with understanding the depth of those feelings and making progress with accepting them. For me, coming out means I don't have to keep compartmentalising things, and I don't have to step around the truth and bite my tongue any longer. And it really does feel liberating (after all the initial nerves etc).
    Obviously I've been very very lucky so far in that both the people I have told have accepted it straight away and have been totally supportive the whole time. I really do hope you experience this same support when you do decide to come out, and I absolutely wish you the best of luck! x
     
    #12 sunnyskies, Aug 23, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2016