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The myth of my 'heterosexuality' is all falling apart.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by findingjoy, Aug 20, 2016.

  1. findingjoy

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    Hi guys, sorry for the multiple thread and posts. I couldn't sleep. I can no longer say it was a couple of glasses of wine...when I come here and check the forum in the morning I want to see this:::

    I know I am gay, and right now it doesn't feel happy or great to admit it like when i first came here, it hurts and aches to admit it right now, but I know it's true. I know it's not just about sex, though sex is definitely a huge part of it.

    I have repeatedly try to tell myself it's a fantasy because I doesn't fit into my life, but I know i have spent decades fitting my life around denying that I am gay.

    I am so scared right now... I know I am gay Could just use some support.....

    I just hope when I read this in the morning I have the courage to accept it.
     
    #1 findingjoy, Aug 20, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2016
  2. I'm gay

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    FindingJoy,

    My heart aches for you because you are in the exact same place I was in two years ago. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

    You have taken the first major step already by coming out to yourself. It's ok and totally normal to be in this place now after coming out to yourself. For me, the journey from coming out to myself and coming out to everyone else has been two years long. These hurt and scared feelings will get better. I know they will because they did for me. Releasing myself from the guilt and shame were the most important parts.

    When you get scared and you feel anxiety, try to remember that each part of this is a natural part of the journey, and must be faced in order to move to the next stage. And it's ok to get stuck in a stage for a while, and even ok to move back a stage for a bit. Just keep swimming! And keep sharing with us here. (*hug*)
     
    #2 I'm gay, Aug 21, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2016
  3. findingjoy

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    Thanks.... I have tried to come out here before an have ran away multiple times. The first times I accepted my sexual urges to be with a man, but now I am scared as hell because I realize its not just about sex.

    Last night after a couple of glasses of wine I changed my online dating profile to gay and emailed a guy. it felt so natural, so right, it just clicked.... but i got scared and changed everything back. I tried to do the same with some women but it just feels dead.. something i don't want to do.

    This morning I woke up, I can 't blame the wine anymore, that little brief flirtation with being gay in the real world has given me the desire for more.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    #4 SiennaFire, Aug 21, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2016
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    I can relate to this, findingjoy. For me, the lows come as a result of considering the realities of having to tell my partner, separate, tell everyone else, etc.

    This is a big issue for me too. It just doesn't fit with life I have. When I'm just doing normal day-to-day things, it's hard to believe that I've not made it all up.

    Keep posting. (*hug*)
     
  6. findingjoy

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    Thanks.. I obviously ran away again. but I am back.. When I first came here and said "I am gay" i let the genie out of the bottle. I keep trying to to deny it but it doesn't go away. It's always there; Once I finally admitted it to myself, excuses just fall apart.
     
  7. biAnnika

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    Welcome back...and thanks for coming back.

    You say it scares you that you are gay. It might help to articulate some of what exactly about being gay you find scary...because it isn't scary for lots of people. Where is your blockage?
     
  8. faustian1

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    Yeah, please do keep posting. It's interesting and informative to see you share such intense denial so close to the surface, combined with intense and alternating resolve. It's an amplified version of what many will find familiar.

    We accept this in you. Yes, please continue posting. Be kind to yourself, if you can. It's going to be all right. If you can be as honest with yourself as you've been with us, you're going to win.
     
    #8 faustian1, Sep 5, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2016
  9. findingjoy

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    I fantasized for years and said to myself it was a fetish or just a fantasy, but I told myself I was really straight. When I came here and said I thought I was gay such an incredible tidal wave of feelings came out - all positive but more emotion than I have ever felt.I literally trembled when I typed it and it still gives me that feeling now. I felt like I was losing control of myself.

    I literally was getting erections a few times an hour all day for a week after. Even now when I type this I totally feel like I am losing control of myself.

    it's one thing to think you have a fantasy its another to realize that its not just about sex but about my whole identity.

    ---------- Post added 5th Sep 2016 at 07:36 PM ----------

    Thanks
    Today when I woke up the first thought was 'i am gay" I do feel that I have fully accepted that to myself.

    Tonight I am not having any glasses of wine (often to muster up the courage to post here I would have a couple) and I fully realize I am gay.. not only that, I have moments when it feels beautiful -

    I realize that my most deepest intimate and intense feelings can only be expressed with a man, since I came here and posted that I was gay I pretty much have had no sexual arousal or attraction to women. But when I come here and read other coming out stories or what people are feeling it's as if i could have written them.
     
    #9 findingjoy, Sep 5, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2016
  10. findingjoy

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    Today at work all I could think about was coming home and posting here. Why? Because it's the only place where I acknowledge and accept that I am gay.

    It's slowly sunk in all summer, over the weekend the charade really started to fade away. I guess up until then I was acknowledging the sexual urges -something just started to click that I wanted more than that.

    I posted here after a couple of glasses of wine but this time, in the morning it was different. i still accepted that I am gay.

    I think I have been resisting or making excuses because I wanted to be 'swept away ' by it for it to not be my 'fault' but today I thought, it is my choice. I don't have to act on my urges, it it is my choice: That I want to be gay (in the sense of action).

    I know I have come here before and tried to fully come out and stopped cold but I thought today- why not just be gay for a week ? Totally accept it, see how it feels? Set up some dates, go to some events. If I don't like it I can always just say 'not for me'.

    After all, if my excuses are real, than I'll find out.

    ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2016 at 06:47 PM ----------

    I was thinking about this today.
    Why did I have such a rush of emotion and why do I still do? Part of it is just releasing something I have been in denial about for sure. But I think another part of it is I was finally allowing myself the potential seek real intimacy.

    For years I had little interest in dating. Well meaning friends would set me up on dates and I would be bored the whole time. All very nice women. I made very little effort to date women. I just wasn't motivated. And because of that I became lonely and withdrawn and lost interest in intimacy.

    I thought my gay 'fantasies' were holding me back from intimacy- because I fantasized and masturbated about guy I didn't have the energy to look for women. But that I have been holding off any sort of sexual stimulation my desire is not to seek women, my desire is intimacy with a man. Even now as i type that and really accept it my heart rushes, my hands tremble...even just allowing it in my mind to kiss a guy.

    Right now I am so glad the charade is falling a part, I am so glad that I am finally accepting this to myself.
     
  11. AndyG

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  12. faustian1

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    It is wonderful you are doing this, because you are forgiving yourself for the thoughts, and deciding to seek your truth, honestly. You are refusing to be afraid of yourself.
     
  13. findingjoy

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    Thanks! your post was very inspiring.
    I have had many ups and downs here, the denial, confusion, but what keeps coming back?

    When I accept to myself I am gay I feel peace and happiness.

    and when I accepted that it wasn't just about sex and i read your post and thought THAT's what I really want... that was harder to accept than just the sex, but when I accepted it another thought came to mind - this is a chance to be truly happy.

    Every excuse or 'explanation' i try to make for my feelings just doesn't hold up. So why do I keep trying to make them?

    The ironic thing, the one thing i thought would 'fix' this fantasy is total abstention from any type of sexual stimulation for three months. Which is what I have done. and now the gay feelings are stronger than ever, and they are not just sexual.

    ---------- Post added 6th Sep 2016 at 07:35 PM ----------

    Thanks and thank you always for your support.
    It's taken a long time but I have finally accepted to myself that I am gay. I realize what has been holding me back. If I just think about that part, I am incredibly happy. I can finally fully express myself and be fully intimate with someone.

    Honestly all i have to do is think about it right now and this incredible rush of emotion comes to me - just as strong as the first day I finally said it here three months ago.

    What gets me scared I think is all the changes. Lets be honest, you pretty much have to rearrange your whole life if you have not been accepting it. But you know, one day at time. If i think about it all at once it becomes overwhelming. The denial is just a way of not dealing with it.