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26 and coming out to parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Koala528, Aug 20, 2016.

  1. Koala528

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2016
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Huntsville, Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey guys,
    So my girlfriend and I have been together 4 years this past May. I partially came out to my parents 5 years ago when I was outed by my current roommates mom. At that time I had not fully come to terms with my sexuality and I was not ready to talk about that with them. My mom had her suspicions prior and straight asked me if o was a lesbian or if I had feelings for my now girlfriend. I denied it because I wasn't ready. When I did tell my parents, again it was a pressured outing, I didn't have all the answers for them. My parents did not handle it well to say the least. My dad said he was disappointed in me, my mom made it all about her and said some of the most passive aggressive hurtful statements she could think of. Because my mom seemed cool about it, asking me questions before, I was not prepared for this reaction. Side note, her childhood best friend was gay and was open and supportive when discussing him and his partner. From that point on the topic has not been mentioned. We have not spoken of my sexuality or a relationship for 5 years. I have now graduated from college, moved to a different city, I'm building a house, and in a committed 4 year relationship with my girlfriend who lives with me. My parents know nothing about my relationship. Well the time has come. I plan on coming out AGAIN to my parents in a letter this time this weekend. I've spent years waiting on the perfect time, and well, it never happened. My house will be finished in a month and my girlfriend is moving in with me. I cannot keep this secret any longer. I've already waited entirely too long. But I care too much about my mom and making her happy. I care what she thinks about me, and I care about how our relationship will be after I break the news to her again that I'm not who she "wants" me to be. When my mom is mad she gives me the silent treatment and is extremely passive aggressive. I have a hard time handling that. I have spent my entire life trying to make her proud and happy. I am terrified for the "consequences" because I know what her relation will be given that I have done this before.

    Does anyone have any tips or advice? I have not even written the letter yet. Also, those of you that have written letters, any tips? When and where should i leave it? I am home for the weekend and will be leaving tomorrow afternoon. I plan on coming home next weekend so we can talk.

    I realize I am 26, 27 next month, and I still care what my parents think. In ways I know they still treat me like a child. I know I need to stand up for myself, but this is uncharted territory for me.

    Thank you for reading!
     
  2. ConverseCody

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2015
    Messages:
    66
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    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm sorry to hear that your Mum hasn't been accepting of you but I'm happy to hear that you're moving in with your gf- congrats!

    Don't be too harsh on yourself about worrying what your parents think. If you love them your bound to be worried about what their opinion of you will be; I know that I was the exact same.

    I would probably spend some time writing the letter and then leaving it in a place that you know your Mum will find it. Try to get down your feelings about being terrified of letting her down or disappointing her, let her know how feel. If you feel that you need to talk to her about it maybe write a paragraph asking her to phone you after she has read it and talk about it? I've found that a phone call is much easier than a face to face convo (maybe thats just me though).

    I guess from your previous experience the immediate consequence may be bad. However, perhaps being completely open about it will allow your Mum to come round to it more easily. Also she may actually have accepted it more than you think after last time you came out.

    It sounds like your Mum may be in a slight state of denial about your sexuality. Telling her about your long term gf might make her realise that you're gay and its not going to change, the only thing that can is her attitude towards it.

    Good luck. I hope it goes well for you!