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Coffee date

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Katchoo, Aug 19, 2016.

  1. Katchoo

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    I don't know if I'm gonna write all now. Maybe? We'll see.

    We hung out and talked for like the and a half hours. So glad the Starbucks had outdoor seating so they didn't kick us out as they closed. She's very easy to talk to, and we have lots of common interests and a little common history. Her family also has the conservative Baptist thing down.

    I had to type and submit some work stuff real fast while I was with her because we hung out longer than I expected and it had to be in by midnight. somehow clicking all the website boxes 3 hours in to the conversation helped distract from my anxiety about mentioning how recently out I am. I wasn't really looking at her face, so I don't have a good gague on if that's a problem for her or not, but she didn't stop talking to me. She seemed empathetic. I gave some info but not all the details of the story. I was proud of myself for having a condensed version. Like, a few months ago, it took hours just to describe it because I had to include all the things. I'm proud that now I can tell the story shorter.

    She had never met in person with anyone from online before, which surprised me. I think she wasn't really sure what was ok. She seemed glad that I at least went in for a hug at the end and said really clearly (though awkwardly) that we would text and find the next time to get together soon. I feel like she probably has more gay experience, but I have more online dating experience, so we may get to take the lead in different things.

    On the way home, I was trying to figure out how to get a chance to cuddle and kiss her without feeling like I'm saying come to my house so I can get in your pants. Like, for real, I just wanna cuddle on the couch, watch nerdy tv, and make out a little. Ok, I wanna touch her boobs, but I don't have to do that right away. I don't wanna risk things and feel inept or out of control or make her feel used. I feel like pda would have a much higher risk and fear factor with a girl than it did with guys, so I want privacy, but I'm not sure how to get privacy without sounding like a rapey creep. She lives with her elderly mom/grandma who is really southern Baptist (She's out, but they don't really talk about it) so in a way that would feel more public than a movie theater. Which leaves the awkward come over to my place thing, which sounds weird.

    The solution to that which sounds like my style is to just say, I really wanna cuddle on the couch and maybe kiss you some but not more than that, and we can watch Star Trek Voyager. What do you think about that? Like, sounds kinda dorky, but, consent and clear expectations. This girl is on my wavelength about Star Trek Voyager for crying out loud, so she would probably be on my wavelength with awkward-cute dating request cuddle invitation. And meeting my great cats.

    Maybe I can finally have motivation to put away the heaps and heaps of laundry. Sounds like she's probably tidier than me, so, motivation?

    Ok, I'm starving and realty need breakfast.I definitely didn't eat enough yesterday.

    Oh, she paid for my chai and scone. :slight_smile: That felt really nice.
     
    #21 Katchoo, Aug 23, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2016
  2. Katchoo

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    :newcolor::love::newcolor:All the distracting crush-y feelings.:newcolor::love::newcolor:
     
  3. scouse

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    Maybe offer to cook for her and get a film/star trek voyager? Romance plus cuddle time :lol:
     
  4. Katchoo

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    Good call!

    I'll have to up my game from grilled sandwiches, my typical friend lunch invite. Hmm...
     
  5. YeahpIdk

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    Katchoo! I'm so proud of you! That sounds like a successful date.

    When it comes to inviting her over to make out, I'd steer clear of directly asking her. I'm not sure if you were being serious that you'd be that blunt (and there's nothing wrong with it), but I think that might have the possibility of coming off as a little creepy/too forward. I know it sounds cute and like something you'd want to hear, but everyone reacts differently, and some people like that stuff to happen more naturally. Consent is something that needs to happen over and over again, because it can be given and taken at any moment. So don't be afraid to let it happen in real time and not prior. I'm a pretty chill person, but if someone said that to me and I didn't really know them well, I think it might turn me off a little. That doesn't mean it would do the same for her, but it might.

    What you might want to do is try to hang out again and see if she wants to come over to watch a movie or play video games. That's usually code for: kinda wanna make out with you. It will certainly give you the op to cuddle/hold hands, and if you want to kiss her, you can find a slick way to ask. Like, "You know, I really like your shoes! Can I kiss you?" There are a million ways to ask someone if you can kiss them so you're in the clear. I think asking mixed with a good lean in would be super hot.

    And your mention of being able to shorten the story really resonated with me. I think that's what happens when we accept ourselves. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Katchoo

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    I've never used drugs for recreational purposes, but, you know that one party drug, the one that makes people grind their teeth so you chew gum, that makes people euphorically happy but then after they feel crazy depressed because their brain ran out of feel good chemicals and needs to restock before they can feel ok again? I kind of feel like last night and this morning I burned through all my feel good chemicals for the date &c, and today I am feeling sooooo down and hollow. That and maybe I'm sad cuz she hasn't texted me at all while she's working, and that's always kinda sad, but, you know, grown up jobs. She'll be off soon.

    So, ok. I need some plan for feeling better. Cuz, I feel like there's a rock hanging on the inside of my chest. Some combination of chocolate, walk, comedy show, rub one out, watch something funny on TV? Damn, why is my ice cream still at my friend's house... I really want caffeine, but I know that's a bad idea because I need to get my sleep cycle in a good place, so I shouldn't drink coffee every time Ineed to feel better. Have I had any caffeine today, though?..... A little. The lesser amount may also be why I feel kind of down.

    Ok. Go do one of the feel better things.....
     
  7. Really

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    Do you and your cat do yoga? Might calm you down. :slight_smile:
     
  8. freeapril

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    Hi Katchoo! I've enjoyed following your posts, although I tend to be on the quiet side in terms of writing on here. I have also been doing online dating, and I just wanted to say that I am like you with the ups and downs of it, so I'm glad to see I'm not alone! I got really super excited for every date, and always felt strangely miserable afterwards, no matter how great/badly it went. It has definitely gotten gradually easier, though, the more dates I've had. The first few dates I was feeling a lot of pressure, because this has been my first time dating women. In a way, though, I think the ups and downs sort of reinforced to me that I am on the right path. I never got at all emotional about dating men. I really just didn't care at all. So I was happy to feel the ups and downs, even though the down part was not pleasant, because I least now I am feeling something! So maybe I am starting to learn a little bit what dating is about...finally!
     
  9. BrookeVL

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    Sounds like a good date Katch! I'm so happy for you!
     
  10. baristajedi

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    Katchoo that sounds like an awesome date!!! I'm so happy for you!
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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  12. Katchoo

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    I love this!

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2016 at 08:34 AM ----------

    Thanks, friends.
     
  13. mnguy

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    Katchoo, I like how you tell your stories and your enthusiasm :slight_smile: I'm glad the date went well! I listened to that link you posted and it was interesting and have listened to some others on there. I actually like how you want to be open about making out with her, but also know that's not the typical way, but maybe it should be. If she wouldn't like you being that honest, maybe she won't like other aspects of you and it won't work anyway. I really have no idea, but thought it was cute how you said it and at least she would know what's on your mind. You could also consider getting food delivered or take-out so you don't have to worry about cooking if that's not your thing. Good pizza and a bottle of red wine sounds like a great date to me. Good luck to you!!!
     
  14. Katchoo

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    Thanks, friends. :slight_smile:

    Today was a really hard day. Like, took 2 or 3 hours to make myself get food every time I got hungry kind of card. Like, I'm not sure, but I really do think that being so happy on Monday night did something to my brain chemistry. Might need to go to the full zoloft dose this week. The doc lets me vary it within a certain range, so I'm not doing anything without my doc's permission.

    BUT

    We texted tonight. Date number 2 is set for next Monday. :wink:

    Also, I should look up my other thread for this, but, that's hard. I finished the letter that Iwrote to B, my old roommate I was in love with for forever, the girl that I cut off because it was too hard to be connected with her and stay in the closet. It took a lot of effort, but I mailed it. Part of what I said at the end of the letter is that Iwas sending it and explaining what happened so that I could have that open loop in my brain closed so that maybe I could move on and find a relationship. I gave her my address. I told her that we could write some if we want, but much more contact beyond that would probably mess with me and not be good for me. I feel relived. I don't know what will happen next, but, I really think that sending a two-stamp letter is what I needed.

    I need to see a lot of clients tomorrow at schools. Also confront a family who has been lying to us about safety issues. So, I'm nervous about tomorrow. But, as horrible as today was, it ended well. Letter success and a date.

    I'm really stressed about money. And I'm behind at work. I.... Ijust need to keep focusing on doing the next right thing. The things I needed today was to rest and reach out to people and finish and mail that letter and buying groceries. And I I did well with those things. The right things tomorrow will be seeing clients and other things. I will get to those tomorrow. The right thing right now is to lay down and see if sleep will come.

    Goodnight, friends.
     
  15. dirtyshirt84

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    Sounds like your date went well Katchoo, happy for you!

    I think the conversation about consent is interesting. I don't think I have ever asked if I can kiss someone, it has just been implied and happened kind of naturally. With more than kissing though there has usually been some kind of conversation.

    That's a really good point though Yeahpidk, consent is something that needs to happen over and over again, as it can be taken and given at any moment, even within a relationship.

    I might start another thread about this, curious to hear others people's experiences!
     
  16. Katchoo

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    Trigger warning. Sexual assault.

    I know that my background is playing in my awkward invite/consent thing. Several layers of safety stuff. First, I'm more nervous about pda with a girl than I did with a guy. I felt fine holding hands in public or cuddling on a park bench with a guy, or kissing by the car. I don't know if that's such a good idea with a girl in rural Georgia....

    Also, the really bad experience I had with a guy was like, he drive a long way to pick me up, invited himself in to talk about which place we wanted to go first, and then once inside hit the accelerator on the physical stuff despite previous boundary conversations. I went with it some cuz it's not like my body gets much action, and, you know, stuff feels good. But I also said no a lot, slow down, not yet, etc etc etc, tried to shove him off me many times, kept putting articles of clothing back on athe every opportunity. It felt like my "no" was broken. It went on a really long time, and he wouldn't leave even when I asked him to. The way I eventually got him to stop and leave was by curling up in the fetal position with my hands over my head for like 15 minutes. Still, he did everything to try to pressure, coax, pull me out of the ball. And he was like, "So, I guess we aren't doing this then?" and got all huffy like I had really inconvenienced him.

    So.... yeah, that was the last time a date came into my house.

    So, on the one hand, I feel like affection in public may not be safe. Affection at her house may not be safe, cuz judgey, religious mom. My house is maybe the safest place. My house has not always been safe in this regard. Also, I was literally her first Internet date. She seems kind of nervous in that regard. And, "Netflix and chill" or "come on in" means so much more to most people than I would intend. So.... yeah, I'm pretty inclined to spell out what I do and don't want before someone even comes through my door, for my sake and hers.
     
    #36 Katchoo, Aug 26, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2016
  17. ThatGirlShauna

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    Katchoo- I think consent is really important for exactly the reason you feel it is. Your consent was not requested OR respected previously, and it's natural that you would want to lay out exactly what the expectations are. A discussion about it isn't a bad thing.
     
  18. BrookeVL

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    I think having a conversation about expectations and consent is a good thing. I would probably do the same in your position, Katchoo.
     
  19. Katchoo

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    I think I worry that so many people think that if you invite them past your front door, you are inviting them into your vagina. I guess I just feel like I have to clarify that that is not what I mean.

    ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2016 at 10:43 AM ----------

    I'm feeling kinda sick. Not sure what it is. I kinda am glad to have another reason for being so down and low energy this week. I think it was a perfect storm of burning through happy chemicals, needing to send that letter to B, stress about money, stress about paperwork I'm behind on, and starting to come down with something. I'll just keep pounding the vitamin c.
     
    #39 Katchoo, Aug 27, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2016
  20. Katchoo

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    Sad that I might have to cancel the date, cuz fever.