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Can you tell me if I'm gay or simply bi-curious?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by themultiverse, Aug 13, 2016.

  1. themultiverse

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Tennessee
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I’m a seventeen year-old female and am unsure if I’m gay or just “questioning” or “curious” or “going though a phase.”

    Growing up, I was rather a tomboy (I dressed like a guy, I never played dress-up, and when I played with barbies, it was only to chop off their hair). My childhood was mostly occupied by gender-neutral games such as hide-and-seek and other outdoorsy types of games. My friends were mostly female but I did have a handful of male friends.

    When I was 8, I had my first lesbian experience with a close friend of mine who was two years older than me. The only reason I went through with it was because she had bribed me with candy (this still makes me laugh). And because I didn’t even have a pinch of a sex drive (or is it because I am straight?), it was unenjoyable (not bad, but definitely not good).

    I essentially dropped all my tomboy habits coming into eighth grade thanks to... Puberty? Society? I don’t even know. I had my first crush when I was in sixth grade--a guy--and I continued to have guy crushes all the way into high school (granted that most of them were unusually feminine and two are now gay). This is what confuses me now as I’m questioning my sexual orientaion: I had proper feeling for more than one guy. I felt something real and obsessive and strong for all my crushes. I’ve cried for them and was heartbroken because of them. However, I’ve only had crushes and have never been in a relationship with anyone (no kissing, holding hands, hugging).

    I was always afraid of “being gay.” I essentially had a mini panic attack the first time I saw two-girls kissing in eighth grade, and afterward, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I don’t even know how it made me felt, only that I was disturbed. I suppressed these thoughts and eventually, they went away for a period of time, but then they would come back (usually when I wasn't crushing on a guy). They would come back and consume me, eat at my thoughts at every waking moment; in response, I’d again suppress them, tell myself that everyone questions their sexual orientation, and that in a few weeks, they’d be gone. And they would be gone. For a while. And then.. you see my point.

    More things that confuse me:

    -Gay-leaning confusions
    1) straight porn never turns me on--only romantic gay (guy-guy) and lesbian porn. 2) I never have straight sexual fantasies, only lesbian ones. 3) I tend to dress more masculine, simply because I like it.

    -Straight-leaning confusions
    1) I’ve never had “proper” feelings for a girl (is this because I’m straight or because I never allowed myself to have these feelings?)--although I’ve had a handful of female crushes and find many females very attractive (yes, sexually). 2) The thought of having sex with a guy doesn’t disgust me. 3) I have lots of female friends and generally find it easier to be social with females (I get uncomfortably awkward around boys, and especially men).

    In conclusion, I’m unsure whether I am gay or simply bi-curious or perhaps merely questioning my sexual orientation due to bored or frequent exposure to LGBTQA+ media (voluntarily)?

    Thank you for taking the time to read this and I strongly appreciate any advice or thoughts you may have to offer.
     
  2. CuriousArticles

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Southampton, UK
    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey,

    Firstly, whether you're a tomboy or girly-girl, you can be straight/gay/bi. People come in all different varieties. Don't base who you are attracted to on how you dress and what you like to do and who you feel comfortable around (I know lots of women who get uncomfortable when around guys socially, and similarly around other girls, orientation aside)

    Secondly, you're only 17. I had my first real crush at 19, so whether or not you've had "proper" feelings for a girl *could* be more that you have limited exposure to your "type", than anything else. There's also a lot of peer pressure to like guys at school. I personally fell into the habit of "noticing" guys. It seems like the possibility of liking women has played on your mind quite a bit. Maybe focusing on it being okay to like girls, even if you don't will help make things clearer in the future?

    Thirdly, porn doesn't really tell you overly much about your orientation. Women can like porn with women in it as they can relate to it. Many people like gay male porn as it feels more genuine as straight guys are less likely to be up for it (lesbian porn is often made with straight women for straight men so feels fake. Similarly for straight porn - can feel very fake.) Or so I've heard. Sometimes it's just novelty.

    If you are comfortable thinking women in a sexual and romantic way, you're at least a little curious. If you are comfortable thinking about men that way too, you're at least a little curious about that. I think it's normal to consider these thing as a teenager when hormones are loose. As a bisexual person, I feel like you shouldn't think "I like that girl...maybe I'm gay, maybe I don't really like boys". You attraction to one gender is completely independent of your attraction to another. So if you've liked boys in the past, that's cool. Do you still like them? Could you be interested in a girl? Don't try to answer it all at once either.

    Basically what it comes down to is: try not to over analyse things too much. Tell yourself it's okay to notice whoever you want, fantatise about whatever you want. Then if/when you like some enough that you want more, go for it (if you're brave enough!). Figuring this out isn't easy or quick. Even if you realsie you're straight! Unfortunately, though, no one can answer your questions but you.

    Lables suck.
    Love who you love.
     
  3. GayBatman

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Everybody questions their sexuality at one point in their life. And it's normal for an LGBT+ person to be confused at first. You are definitly bi-curious. Whether you are officially bisexual or not is for you to figure out. You're young and still developing. (I didn't figure out I was bi until I was 19.) Experiment a little. No need to rush this, figure it out at your own speed. I hope you find out who you are really soon. :slight_smile:
     
  4. 1ring

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    I completely understand everything you said and are the same way myself. I think its important just to remember that all of your feelings are valid and that whatever you eventually decide to lable yourself as is fine. Or you could ignore lables and just live whichever way you want. Dont worry about it too much (i understand that thats hard to do) and just aim to live any way that feels true to yourself. Experimenting and exploring your sexuality is important, but once again i understand that thats hard to do. I'm also in the process of figuring out a lable for myself so i completely understand what it feels like but i think you should just try to live whichever way feels the most comfortable for yourself.
     
  5. themultiverse

    Regular Member

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    Thank you thank you THANK YOU! Your message somehow managed to ease my heart and rest my thoughts. Thank you for addressing the unreliability of stereotypes--i think those really confuse me.

    I'll definitely follow your advise to just notice people regardless of their gender and let the feelings flow naturally. Sometimes it feels difficult not to know the answer immediately, but now I realize that time is necessary.

    Thank you SO much for such a wonderful reply!