I have to make a change. I don't know exactly what it's going to take, but I need to get to a point where I can sort of wrap my head around this huge change that I've decided to make in my life. Right now it feels so enormous and unreal and honestly it feels mostly right but kind of wrong (if that makes any sense at all). Can anyone relate? Separation is the right choice, I do feel that. But I wasn't quite ready to commit to it just at the point where my husband and I started talking about it. That's the reason I'm handling it with such lack of clarity, I think. I don't know what will help me reach a point where I feel with greater strength that this is right, but I think one thing I feel in my gut is that I need some space. I think I need to take a day or maybe two off from work and not really have any interruption in my thoughts. I think it may help to read a bit about what others have gone through, maybe talk to some supportive people as well, and of course work through some stuff in counselling. I have also started trying to break down the things that are really hurting and I think identifying what those things are and how they're impacting me can help me deal with it one by one or step by step... Does anyone have any insight or experience to share? Any insight is welcome. Here's the list I started... Grief/loss Loss of my husband, our life, our relationship. Loss of the imagined happy family home for our daughter Loss of chance for second child Loss of the plan to live in my hometown Worries and fears My daughter; how will she cope, how can we keep her sense of security; worry that our bond will suffer Financial; future stability Are we/will we make the right choices for our daughter's well-being Self doubt Is this really the right choice? What if I wake up and say I'm not gay? How do I *really* know myself? Why can't I just make it work? Self judgment I feel I'm broken, a failure I'm destroying my husband's life, causing my daughter hardship I was a coward when I was younger Why didn't I make different choices? Come out earlier, etc I'm an impatient and angry mother, I handle stress so badly Stress/tension My anger/temper Feeling like I'm trapped Feeling like I can't get away for a bit Lack of patience Real-ness and public-ness My husband's family being involved in this, knowing everything, judging, saying unkind things about me to my daughter It's all on my shoulders I'm the one making this choice, I'm the one responsible for splitting up the family, causing pain Has anyone else gone through some of these feelings? Can anyone relate?
Remember that being gay isn't a choice. It's just who youare. You didn't wake up one day and decide to be it, just as you won't wake up another and decide you're not. It's normal to feel loss with change, but keep your sight ahead of you, rather than behind. There's still so much good out there to experience.
being gay is not a choice, any more than brown eyed, left handed etc. now, lets look at your list; relationship with husband. had to end if your going to be with a woman as your authentic self. nothing you can do about that if you want to be happy and you. Imagined happy home for your daughter; imagine a new one with a diverse family. Chance for a second child; your new partner may have a child or you can adopt. Live in your home town; you can do that if you wish, do they have an anti gay law? your daughter will cope, she will adjust. kids are very resilient. your bond will be as strong as you make it either in a "traditional" family or otherwise. Financial stability; hard to say in this day and age no matter what your family setup. decisions for your daughter; there is the concept of parenting together and living apart. not real easy to do but as long as you both keep her well being in the forefront, she should be ok. Right choice, is it really a choice? if one day your "not gay" then you have a new path and a new adventure... do you really know yourself? who does? that's part of the game, the journey... some things don't work no matter how hard we try, this is hard won experience on my part for this one. you are not broken, just the shell you built around yourself, now the real you has to break free of the egg... your husband is a grown up and is responsible for himself, not you. and whats more of a hardship? staying in an unhappy marriage or seeing her mom grow into a whole person? you are/were not a coward! you made decisions that were right for you at the time, none can fault you for that. and if they do well......F 'em. Different choices, came out earlier..... see above..... Impatient and poor coping skills, your counselor can help you with that. anger, trapped, lack of patience, see entry RE counselor.... Husband and family speaking negatively about you to your daughter, has to STOP. it is abusive to her as a child!:tantrum: not your choice! you've said the marriage has had problems for much longer than your questioning and coming out. so there's that. and sometimes families have to come apart and reconfigure, you will always be connected by your child, and both of you as adults need to figure if you will do this healthily or negatively, it isn't all on you, it's on him and your extended families as well. oh, and one other thing. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
For every item you've listed, if it were me, I would start putting an alternative to it. So for each negative outcome, what would be the positive going forward. If it's something more internal, i.e. moods, stress etc then I'd put something constructive I could do to help me minimise/manage it. As way of sharing experience, I can't describe to you just how often I went back and forth in my thoughts and beliefs about my relationship, and about myself. I would think my judgements poor, I can't trust my feelings (they changed so often I really couldn't), I don't know myself, what the hell are you doing to your life you complete maniac, and what if, after all this, it's a huge mistake. Because boy at that time did I believe I was capable of making one! Pah. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I made mistakes along the way, let myself down a few times, but for what it's worth, I can say now that my gut was right. The horror that was my process played itself out, and I look back and it's a part of the past. Double locked, weighted down, thrown into the sea and the sea set on fire :icon_wink When its tough we go onwards and upwards. What helped? Those chances I got to breathe, and be me and to think of my own needs. Organise them into a way that caused as little damage as possible, and plan for the future. The little steps forward and glimmers of a good future. Space and time is good! You will get through it and it will be okay. Relationships end and more often than not, one person wants that end more than the other or plays more of a role in it. People fall out of love, things change, people grow. The subsequent blame for that ending feels real and it feels valid and it sucks. That doesn't change the fact that it takes two to shoulder it, it's a joint effort, and you get through it as best as you both can. The best of luck to you x
Hi I don't have children but I know what it feels like to come out of relationship and go through the emotions of 'the old life ending and the loss and fear involved ... You sound like you have a considered and heart led approach and that is the very best that can be for you and your daughter ... Self beating is not allowed ! I had doubt over being gay in the early days it was that 'I knew I was within myself but my head would doubt and say 'yes but are u really ? Living a hetro life for so long was bound to create a wall Standing forward for who u really are is the only way and your husband will be set free to eventually find a new relationship where it fits him right - You are being authentic and not living a lie anymore if others arnt able to see that yet well unfort you can't control that but we can control how we conduct ourselves each day - How old is your daughter will u be able to sit and explain to her maybe use some resources to aid her understand ...
Rainbow Families: LGBT parents and families | LGBT Health and Wellbeing. What about joining this ? a support group for LGBT families in Edinburgh? or something elce of that nature? I'm sure there will be people there in a similar situation to yourself or who have been there who can offer you bit of support.
this is a great suggestion, your daughter will get to meet other kids like her, in similar situations, and so will you.
Rosepetals, I know and I realise I sound so ridiculous even thinking about that particular fear. I don't have that particular fear 90% of the time, it just sort of hits me sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement as well. I need to keep myself focused on what's ahead. ---------- Post added 9th Aug 2016 at 06:29 PM ---------- Thank you so much for this, this is such s powerful set of truths to quiet my inner voice (*hug*) There's so much here...some of this I know and I feel on my own; some of this is coming from a perspective I didn't consider. I really appreciate the thoughts you've laid out in here.
Therapy would be so good for you. I've been in therapy for almost a year (not related to my sexual orientation) but it can help you with almost, if not all of these things. It has helped me decide to be strong enough to start coming out.
Thank you so much scouse and consciousrose, your posts really help me s lot as well. Poppy - thanks for the suggestion! I do know about that group and I think at some point soon, it will be a great thing to have for my daughter. ---------- Post added 9th Aug 2016 at 06:37 PM ---------- I know...I am in therapy. I wish sometimes that I could have a therapy session everyday. It has definitely been helping me.
I forgot to say - the only thing on your list which isn't true is that we aren't going to live in my hometown. That's just something I have to accept. My situation is extremely complicated in terms of where we live. We now live overseas, not in my home country and not in my husband's (which are two different home countries). My daughter's just about to start primary and we don't want to add the stress of moving onto the stress of separation. Originally as a married couple we thought may settle back down in my hometown. But for obvious reasons it's not something that appeals much to my husband anymore. My instincts tell me my daughter would thrive most where we currently live -or- in my hometown. There are significant pros and cons to each. So I'm thinking truthfully well either settle here for the long term or go in a few years to another city that may be back in the US (my home country) but not my hometown. This was a well reasoned thought out discussion between me and my husband that weighs all the pros and cons for our daughter primarily and us secondarily. So that's that. It's a huge loss in my opinion but one that makes sense.
I understand, however I've learned to never say never.:icon_wink the biggest thing I take from this what I bolded, and especially what I underlined. you are on your way to getting things settled if you can do this. your biggest concern is your daughter, and if you and your husband can put her first everything else can be worked out so you both can be happy, in your authentic lives.
It seems to me that you need to give yourself permission to put yourself first and decouple from the need to get approval from others. A great topic to explore with your therapist. Once you do this, everything on your list can be reframed. For example Can be reframed as I need to let go of my relationship and the life I built with my husband so that I can find true happiness building a relationship and life with a woman that I can love fully and authentically.
Thanks lookingforme, I do feel good about how we worked things through in that conversation. And never say never is a comforting thought too. I suppose things are always subject to change. ---------- Post added 10th Aug 2016 at 11:58 PM ---------- Siennafire, I think that what you are saying here is definitely part of what I have to look at, and we did touch on that in counselling yesterday. The counselling session really helped me reframe my perspective and see some areas I really need to work on. I'm going to try your advice and go back and reframe the things I say here based on some of my adjusted perspective from the counselling session.... I'll be coming back to this thread to do that.
