Hi, I’m a 32-year-old man and have been struggling with coming to terms with my sexuality for quite a while. I see a therapist but it’s expensive and only something I can do once every two weeks or so. I have no one else in my life that I can talk to about this so I’m reaching out because I’m going through a tough time right now and wrestling with a lot of emotions; some recent dating experiences have really brought some of these issues and emotions to the surface that I’ve pushed down, and I don’t know if I’ve felt this alone, emotional, or hopeless in quite some time. I am either gay or bisexual or something other than straight, and I’m just exhausted by the whole thing. I dont really have any attraction to men physically and no current interest in them in a romantic/emotional intimacy way, but I’m definitely a lot more turned on by penises than vaginas. My whole life I have been attracted to and interested in women, but as you can imagine, this presents a problem in developing a real relationship. I had one girlfriend when I was 20-22, but it was a weird situation. We had sex, but looking back it almost feels like it never happened. I have had a few brief encounters with women, but for the most part, the last ten years have been a lonely and confusing time for me where I’ve struggled with depression, self-loathing, and frustration. I've tried to accept that i am probably gay, but I can never seem to get myself to stop thinking about women, and when I see that one that makes my heart stop for a moment these days, it makes me want to put my head through a wall. and i dont find myself thinking about or intersted in other men. Sometimes it feels like my heart is straight and my brain is gay and it’s always been so confusing to me. I have not known many gay people so far in my life, but most of the stories seem to be about knowing at a young age, or of having substantial attraction to people of the same sex, and these don’t really resonate with my experience. Is anyone else like this? Im not quite sure what to do next. But my most recent failure with a woman makes me reluctant to try again. It just hurt too much to become emotionally invested the way I did.
I think the bigger problem is that you're trying to label yourself and fit things into neat boxes. This comes from someone with a pretty similar story. I'm bi and basically the only thing I'm attracted to on men is penis, big ones, while I kind of love every feature on a women. Seems to me like you sound bi, but possibly lean toward homosexual. It's no big deal, it does not make you a bad person and if people treat you like that because you are, kick their stupid asses to the curb, buddy!
I just find the way guys describe attraction really strange... like the last thing I'm ever thinking about is genitals. For me its all about the intense feeling, in your heart, down there, just all over. I dunno if I was you I'd probably feel more straight. Though I'm not you and you definitely (as it seems most men do) have different focuses for attraction and I think the penises thing is quite significant for you, so you might want to say bi. I do understand to a certain extent actually. It annoys me that I do sort of assess good looking guys around me a lot, even though it doesn't work out and I only really want it to when I'm drunk. But even though I'm sort of interested I've only ever got that heart-stopping feeling with girls, so that's where the similarities end. You might want to check out the LGBT Later in Life forum. They'd probably understand more your longer-term denial sort of problems.
I feel the same: my brain being "gay" whereas my heart being "straight". Don't you think internal homophobia prevents us from falling for a guy? On the other hand, not liking vagina is a red flag, which doesn't normally apply to a bi guy. Sex is not everything in a relationship but it's the major factor for its continuity..
Thanks for the responses, and nice to know there are some people who can kind of relate. I know I think about it all too much probably and fall into these patterns of overly concrete thinking and wanting things to fall in neat boxes. I struggle with it a lot. I think loneliness is making it worse now. I have been alone a long time and would really enjoy having some type of relationship sometime soon, but I often find myself feeling incapable of it and guilty of having these conflicting desires and bringing them into someone else's life. I assume that they will always leave. Self-defeating, I know. I think where I am right now today I just want to find some way to stop the constant heartache. I have put myself through too much pain over this and it has kind of eroded away parts of my other self. My heart feels like it wants to be in a relationship with a woman, but if this is just some sort of denial on my part I want to be able to let it go; it just ends up hurting too much when it feels like a lie. Maybe I do have a ton of internalized homophobia and don't even realize it. I have zero idea anymore.
I felt like that for a while too. But then I started liking men as well. I would state this as bi-curious
It sounds like you are carrying a heavy burden of guilt - that loneliness and heartache is almost a sort of punishment. Overcoming that guilt is the greatest hurdle we face. But its been piled on us for years and its impossible to shed it overnight. Just don't give up OK? Do what you feel is besdt for you. (BTW, being bi doesn't make you less of a person, it makes you a lot more!)
Yes. I have some highly critical and negative parents and I tend to be pretty hard on myself around a lot of things. And admittedly I have beat myself up over this a fair bit. I think I am kind of in the grieving stage of letting go of the heterosexual life moving forward. I can't believe how hard it has been to really accept and I'm still not there, but I want to be able to find a way to forget about women, and it amazes me how much time and heartache I've had pining over them in my life. It also amazes me that all that time may have been something completely different than i thought it was (just admiration?) Right now i feel kind of numb to everything. Have people had more feelings that have grown out of experiences than feelings that have led to experiences?
Well, if you're definitely attracted to penises but not vaginas at all, you have a starting point. We can bet you're not 100% straight, beyond that, you have to do a lot of work to figure out what you truly are, not society wants you to be. You're young and theoretically, you might not want you seem to want. So yeah talk with a therapist, but also take some time to live life and not get stuck in your head. I do that all the damn time.
To me it sounds like you like how "straight couples" interact together more than gay ones. Like the idea of "sweeping her off her feet" sounds nice, sweet, lovey and "sweeping him off his feet" just sounds wrong, incorrect or abnormal. Like to say "I have a wife" is mentally okay but to say "I have a husband" would mentally pysch you out. So you "protect" yourself from those bad incorrect thoughts of what you've grown up and been taught as wrong. When you're actually gay and need to slowly forget what you "know" and allow yourself to re create the image of what a couple is in your head. Literally just a 16 year olds opinion LOL not to be taken too seriously
When you see a hot girl, does your manhood awaken and you feel like ravishing her? Well, I rarely do, at least, unless I'm emotionally attached to her..
I can actually relate to what OP is saying, it does not appear strange to me. It could either be denial or just personality, but the intense feelings of attractions do not happen to me that often, but instead I have pretty solid reactions to genitals/primary/secondary sexual characteristics of each sex. There would be no point in following some desire for intimacy with a male, if their bodies do not arouse me. As for the OP Did you consider that maybe your desire for intimacy with women stems from a non-sexual desire for being close? Maybe you have some unresolved needs around wanting to be accepted by mother/sister figure?
There are a few parts on a woman that get me going a bit, like hourglass figures/asses and well pedicured feet (I have a fetish), but vagina is not one of those things. I think I probably find fewer women attractive than most men in general. I've always thought this is partially related to height -- I'm only 5'6" -- and don't usually find taller women attractive, but maybe it's something else. Like I said, there's nothing that make sense to me anymore. As for the second question -- I'm not really sure. My whole family is very distant in general. I've never really been close to anyone - mom, dad, brother, or sisters. We are spread out in age and my parents were implicitly very discouraging of sex and relationships. Like if you had a school crush or something it was very uncomfortable to admit it or verbalize any of those types of feelings out loud. Nobody ever talked about that stuff growing up. I probably have unresolved family issues around that i'm sure -- my siblings all do in some way. I'm the only one who is gay/bi though.
