My wife and I live with a single mom (our best friend) and her two daughters, who are 8 and 16. We co-Mom. These girls consider my wife and I their mothers. They like to brag. They say they're lucky because they get to have three parents. It touches our hearts. We love these kids so much. The 8 year old recently confessed to us that she has a big crush on her female best friend, who is 9. The three adults in our home - my wife, our best friend, and myself - are all well-adjusted queer adults who are more or less out, healthy, and happy. We are activists and educators who have helped other parents learn how to nurture their own queer children. You'd think that would mean we all know exactly what to do and exactly how to guide this kid through her self discovery, right? Wrong. It is so different when it's your own kid and not somebody else's. We are all totally clueless. We live in a really conservative town, and we had to tell her not to tell her friend about her crush. We had to tell her not to tell her friends that she likes girls, not to tell her grandparents. It feels awful, because at the end of the day we all believe that she should get to be proud of who she is. She shouldn't have to hide it. But that's just not the world we live in, and it makes me very sad. So my question for moms is this: How do I support this young girl in my life, whom I love dearly, so that she doesn't feel rejected... while also keeping her safe from a conservative society that won't understand her? How do I teach her to be a proud young woman, to own who she is, and to love who she wants to love, without putting her in danger? How do I be a good mom here? I wish I didn't have to teach her how to hide. I wish that my queer-woman legacy for her didn't have to be shame.
You sound so torn, Willa, between your pride in your identity and the painful realism that you now feel called upon to impart to this young girl, for her own protection. Modeling is more powerful than anything we might "teach" our children with our consciously thought out and delivered words. I think you have fortified her greatly just by living with your beloved, and being "healthy and happy." In terms of what your best role is, I would just be honest about your worries and concerns, and maybe share some of the pain you've gone through. She will know it's out of love. And then, if she seems worried or sad, the greatest gift is that of listening with empathy, being a sounding board for her, just reflecting back her words and the feelings underneath, whether they be sadness, fear, grief, anger, confusion. Let her work out her tangle of emotions with a loving, safe adult who lets her speak. I hope that helps. Wishing you lots of luck.
Thank you. This means a lot to me. She's a good kid, but she already struggles so much. ADHD, ODD, depression, the loss of her father in infancy... the list goes on and on. She's a child who has had to deal with more hurt in eight years than anyone deserves to experience at all, and honestly it's amazing how well she's doing considering. I worry that this will just be one more thing for her, one more struggle.
im not by any means a mother, but my mother has veen extremely supportive while keeping me safe. when i was 9 i kissed a girl for the first time and being naive immediately told my parents. my dad exploded and it terrified me. my mom how ever told me it was natural. then when away from my father, she sat me down and explained that to some people 2 girls together is a bad thing, but to her it was perfectly fine. she said that it was just like how some people didnt like our dog & while we knew our dog was very nice, we kept him on a leash in public because some people were afraid of him or didnt like him running around. at the time that was exactly what i, as a 3rd grader, needed. it made sense, somethings are for everyone, somethings are for only the people you love and trust the most. i dont know if that is what you are looking to hear at all, but my mothers little anecdote about our dog really made sense to my childhood self. of course now it makes me terribly sad but then i was fine. i do have to say though, that in middle school i struggled much more, your daughter is young, she is innocent. for now just love her and keep her safe. hope that helped?
