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Confusion and Anxiety About My Gender Identity

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AndrewVSAndrea, Jul 31, 2016.

  1. AndrewVSAndrea

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    So, I had a kind of breakthrough a few months ago when I met some transgender people online, and I realized that perhaps dysphoria explains why I've felt like an alien amongst other people ever since puberty ended. I've always felt like "other" girls were judging me or like I was somehow only disguised as a girl and they could all see right through it. I've also always felt like boys look at me and think, "Whatever that thing is, it's not a real girl." So I identified myself as a feminine male and for a while I've been happy. Once I came to grips about my identity it felt like a weight was lifted, and the depression that had been plaguing me since I was 12 was suddenly easier.

    Recently though it's been eating at me. I don't seem to match a lot of the usual signs of dysphoria. The symptoms I do have are a sense of disconnection from my emotions, feeling like every day was just a pointless routine struggle, no purpose in life, feeling like I'm a complete alien amongst others, that sense of being a kind of "imposter" amongst others of the same gender I was assigned at birth, and feeling better when crossdressing.

    However, I'm also missing a few very "normal" signs of dysphoria, like early warning signs as a child, or a strong desire to be rid of my genitals. I'm also having a very difficult time adjusting to male pronouns. For the past several days I have not felt like a girl, but I've been very uncertain whether I actually feel like a boy or not. I also crossdressed again today, which brings me a sense of ease and satisfaction, but I still didn't feel quite like a boy this time.

    I guess my questions are: any advice on how I could maybe clear my head and sort things out? What does this all mean? Should I not look too deeply into these doubts?
     
  2. Pistachio

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  3. TobaccoFlower

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    I think the first paragraph sums up everyone's self affirmation. That is what matters.

    After that? Your anxiety kicks in and society that you grew up in seeps into your head and tells you that you don't exist. That you shouldn't exist. That you shouldn't break the norm.
    It's normal to feel that way, especially at first. It takes a lot of breaking down to make sense of that fear. I don't mean to say you are trans but I can say that experience is almost exactly like mine, the first paragraph.

    I am a year into my transition. I still don't adjust to female pronouns very easily. It's weird. Odd. But whichever feel less icky(depressing) is usually the correct pronoun, I've found.

    As for feeling like a boy? I don't think I feel like a girl. It's more about associating with the identity. I feel at peace being expected to be a girl and being around other women and I understand and identify with women's stories and experiences. Do I feel flowery and soft and pink? No. Does any girl? I hope not. I sometimes feel crabby and ready to hurt someone. Ladylike? No. Female? Yes. Absolutely.

    Being a man isn't about feeling manly. It's about fitting into the body while engaging your understanding of yourself and everyone else treats you how you... Not feel... They treat you how you understand.
    Like. It's when the depression and distance starts to subside and you don't feel unhappy, you just feel a little less sad. And over time you might transition more as you feel ready (don't push it too fast) and realize you like some things better than others. Many men love being gender neutral. Love it.

    That's if you really do feel like you are NOT what you were assigned at birth. BecYse for me all I ever knew was that I was anything but a man. Anything but. And that was who i was. Already a woman. How can I feel like a woman if I always feel like one? I'm the same human. Nothing changed, right?
    C:
    I make assumptions about your gender status, but I am trying to clear up the hazy bits that I had to figure out alone. It takes time and usually a lot less thinking. A lot less. Just move slow. Learn what you like and then build from there
     
  4. DemiLiHue

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    I don't know enough about you so I'm just gonna put this here~
    YOU DONT NEED DYSPHORIA TO BE TRANS!!

    Just the feeling better as that other gender is enough!
     
  5. jaska

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    agreed