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Tried to come out as genderqueer with family, sad epilogue

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by AnguishXx, Jul 25, 2016.

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  1. AnguishXx

    AnguishXx
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    Hello...

    I need to write down what happened some days ago... please go easy on me, I already feel so ashamed and guilty, like it was all my fault and I deserve to face the consequences :frowning2:

    I tried to prepare my parents in advance, asking them suggestions on how to shave my arms. I also stated I feel repulsion for my body hairs, and that I wished a way to get rid of them for good... They didn't seemed much hostile.

    The very day before, I also got a nice conversation with my mother... she seemed to be sincerely interested in what I was being through lately. She could guess what all this was about, sort of, but I wasn't ready to fully disclose yet, so I denied. But she looked caring, and I thought she could accept. Or tolerate. Or don't get mad.

    Well, what happened. Next day I tried to paint my nails. That's something I really wished to do, and it made me feel way better. When I could stay alone, at least. I surfed a bit of Internet, then relaxed with some favourite activities of mine. I liked to have something on myself to show feminility. Then I tried out to talk with parents with nails still on... and got called a pervert, a freak, a rebel teeneger (only reason to joke and rage them out), a gay (meant as an insult), and lots more. No one listened what I wished to say and no one even asked. Instead, all of them stopped trusting me, started treating me like a... don't know, something to punish and humiliate. And my many apologies didn't help a thing... Now I'm mostly ashamed, I can't stop thinking I could have avoided all this, that is all my fault... but I really didn't espect an homophobic/transphobic reaction like that one. I just painted my nails!! I didn't disrespect anybody :frowning2: And I wasn't really hiding it... I was trying to talk :frowning2: But talk is useless when such people do not want to listen... it makes only things worse (so I replayed very little to all these things they threw on me...)

    And it's still going on...
     
    #1 AnguishXx, Jul 25, 2016
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  2. AnguishXx

    AnguishXx
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    Does anybody have anything to say? :frowning2:
    For example... at least you tried... your parents were mean... cheer up, questioning is not a bad thing?

    I feel so down, I'd really need to hear somebody.
     
    #2 AnguishXx, Jul 27, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2016
  3. ThetasTrust

    ThetasTrust Guest

    Parents are weird. They tell you to tell them everything, but when you do they throw a fit. I feel bad for what happened to you. I really do. My only suggestion is that if its not safe for you to be who you are around your parents then wait till you get away from them. Yes it sucks, but your safety is the utmost concern. I generally give bad advice but I didn't want no one to respond.
     
    #3 ThetasTrust, Jul 27, 2016
  4. HappyGirlLucky

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    I am sorry you got such a horrible reaction to something as innocent as a little nail polish, Lily! (*hug*)

    Questioning really is not a bad thing, it is an important part in figuring out who you really are as a person and parents should support their children on their path to personal happiness and fulfillment. None of their anger is your fault, they are just taking their fear and insecurities out on you. I hope your mother realizes that and returns to being supportive like she was before, maybe it all happened just too quickly for her?
     
    #4 HappyGirlLucky, Jul 27, 2016
  5. kronixx

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    This guy got it straight. (no pun intended)
     
    #5 kronixx, Jul 29, 2016
  6. AnguishXx

    AnguishXx
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    Thank you (*hug*)

    I'm going to wait until things calm down...
    Yesterday I was kind depressed and physically down: my mother seemed to have forgotten everything and she kept asking if there was something wrong. But I'll need lot of time before I can (and want to) trust her again :frowning2:
     
    #6 AnguishXx, Jul 29, 2016
  7. Robert

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    (*hug*)
     
    #7 Robert, Jul 29, 2016
  8. AnguishXx

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    My mother is killing my self-esteem.
    She judges me for stupid things, or even for more serious ones, constantly. She reverses everything I say, and turns it against me. She isn't new to such behaviour, but it went way more worse after my coming out.

    Now she has made up my "illness", since she hates "computer" she says I'm an Internet addict: "computer" has put bad idea on my mind, I cannot live in the real world, blah blah blah.
    I gave up defending, now I listen to all of hers umiliations in silence, I don't know if I can stand this any more. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid like running away from home, without proper preparation, or even kill myself.
    In the meantime, I've accepted that I am female trans. I'm trying to hide it, but my mother drives my nuts. It's hard to hide, at least in family. The place where I should feel safe. I need a job, so I should try to live some double life to avoid discrimination. I don't know if I am strong enough.

    I feel ashamed to write this being 25, but life has been hard, I couldn't accomplish much.
     
    #8 AnguishXx, Aug 15, 2016
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  9. Linkmaste

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    Lily,

    I want you to first know that you shouldn't feel guilty about this. It's not your fault. You are loved, and you are not alone. I know it doesn't sound the most comforting as words on the screen but trust us: You are not alone.

    If you feel unsafe, please please find a safe space. Depending on where you live, there may be clinics or a group in your area for LGBTQQ folk. Seek them out, or seek out a friend that you trust and feel comfortable with.

    You are strong. You are strong and a beautiful person. Don't give up.
     
    #9 Linkmaste, Aug 20, 2016
  10. Gooonerz

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    You have nothing to be ashamed of, with regards to this. I won't say you have nothing at all to be ashamed of in life, we all make mistakes we're ashamed of, but this isn't something you can control, so how is it a mistake at all?
     
    #10 Gooonerz, Aug 21, 2016
  11. notmyfault

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    Hey, Lily, I'm really sorry your parents acted like that. None of this is your fault, though. You didn't choose to be trans. They chose to act like jerks.

    Anyway, since painting your nails seems to make you happy and relieve dysphoria, couldn't you paint your toenails and wear socks and/or shoes to hide it? Your parents wouldn't see, and it'd be super feminine.

    Good luck (*hug*)
     
    #11 notmyfault, Aug 21, 2016
  12. AnguishXx

    AnguishXx
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    Thank you for this message, I really appreciated :slight_smile:
    Today is going better... but sometimes I am so down that words like these really help.

    For now I'm hiding from my family, but I have talked to some friends. At least that part went well, I've found someone close who seems to accept me...

    ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2016 at 01:26 PM ----------
    Yes, thank you (*hug*)
    I'm still a bit sad when I think back to their reaction...

    That's a nice idea, I will give it some thought!
     
    #12 AnguishXx, Aug 21, 2016
  13. Darsch Hielle

    Darsch Hielle
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    I... have no clue what to say, other than I'm so sorry!

    Just remember, their hate is not your fault. You were trying to be yourself, to be honest, and the reaction you got is not your fault.
     
    #13 Darsch Hielle, Aug 22, 2016
  14. AnguishXx

    AnguishXx
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    Yeah... thank you for cheering me up :slight_smile:
     
    #14 AnguishXx, Aug 23, 2016
  15. xClemKrczx

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    (*hug*)
     
    #15 xClemKrczx, Aug 23, 2016
  16. AnguishXx

    AnguishXx
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    Anyway, we just had a big discussion for another stuff, my parents and me...

    ... Now I'm totally lost: I definitely have to hide my transness to them :frowning2:
    They would be very rough with me if I added this too to the list. To them, it would just be a problem I could spare them.

    So now I have difficulties with my work life and all the tension, stress and self-hating that come from being a transwoman, also I cannot be myself just in this hard moment when I would desperately need to reach out to somebody...

    :frowning2:
     
    #16 AnguishXx, Aug 23, 2016
  17. CassieMaes

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    I'm sorry your family is being like this Lily, I can't say I understand, I won't say that everything will simmer down and I won't say that they will come around and apologise because I don't know if they would. But if it makes you feel better you can always rely on the support system here, everyone here is kind, caring and understanding and I'm sure that you will find someone (whether it be on EC or near you) that will and can help and support you through whatever life throws your way.

    (*hug*) (&&&)
     
    #17 CassieMaes, Aug 23, 2016
  18. AnguishXx

    AnguishXx
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    Yes, thank you... this site is a great help, I know :slight_smile:
     
    #18 AnguishXx, Aug 23, 2016
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