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My needs as a gay woman

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jul 24, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    A lot has happened in a very short time since I've acknowledged and accepted that I'm gay. And so I haven't had much time to think *just* about that, what being gay means for my life, what my needs are.

    So I want to come back to that now and think about it just a bit.

    I don't want to think right now about how things have suddenly gotten really challenging. I'd rather focus on the bigger picture for a minute. The things that have come out of this lifetime of battling myself and finally embracing who I am.

    Please share your own thoughts on your needs and feelings about being LGBT as well.

    First, I'm so happy I've finally accepted that I'm gay. It's such a core part of who I am, and I can't believe it's taken so long to get here. This journey has been really tough at times, but now I'm finally seeing who I am more clearly and I know in the end it is going to be rewarding. Right now I'm struggling to get my life to align with who I am, but even now I feel like a much more confident person, and a fuller person.

    First, as a gay woman, I need and want to be out, proud and embrace this part of me fully. It's never going to be a hidden part of me. This journey has helped me find the importance as well in not having any closet at all, whether it's about being gay or about other things that may have caused me shame.

    I feel like in most ways, I'm able to be out and fully open, but as a married woman (in a straight marriage) this is still not 100%.

    I put this need first because to me embracing who I am is about having a greater sense of self and loving who I am.

    Another need and want, I suppose almost the most important one, is that I want to build a life with a woman, someone I can feel a real connection with and to build a life that's based on real partnership, and one that inherently encourages us to grow and be full, more whole people.

    If I never meet this life partner, then to me it's important to be open to building such a connection and to date and form meaningful relationships with women.

    I need also for my daughter to know the real me and as part of that, I want this part of who I am to be fully integrated into our lives.

    I also need to feel like I have a large support network in the LGBT community, and to feel a part of it. At this point I'm already starting to feel that way. It's just simply a part of my life, my friend circle, and my routine. That's important to me to maintain.

    I also need to feel I'm helping and supporting others who are struggling in some way in the LGBT community. I feel like this community has given me so much support, strength and encouragement in one of the hardest times in my life, and I want to return that.

    ....I'm sure there's more, but this is what I've thought I'd so far.


    Please share yours :slight_smile:
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jul 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  2. RosePetals76

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    I fully agree that I need to be put and proud and that I need for my children to know the real me.

    As much as I really desire a woman to spend my life with, it's not a true need for me. I've been alone a very long time, and I could manage being alone for ever if I had to, I just don't want to. Right now I'm casually dating a woman who I really like, but taking it slow, and I'm content with that for now.

    I really felt the need for some LGBT friends to connect with. Now that I have 2 lesbian friends that I talk to regularly and I realized how many bi and pan friends I already had, I think I'm feeling more complete in that area. Although, I'm always up for more friends.

    I think my biggest need right now is to feel accepted by my mom, who has shown me a bit of homophobia lately. I think she will come around eventually. Her best friend has a daughter that's bi and married to a woman, so hopefully knowing that her friends are in similar situations will help her come around.

    My other need is to become comfortable enough with my sexuality that it doesn't weigh on my mind as often, but just is a true part of me like everything else. I'm working that way and it is improving.
     
  3. ConsciousRose42

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    Thank u baristajedi

    So good to hear your need and want commitments- very empowering
    It has taken me to 43 yrs to reach this place and today I am a gay women
    I am at the start of my journey
    Quote 'out proud and embrace this part of me fully '
    I am starting to feel a sense of 'the people I haven't told I feel more ready to - this is very empowering - to start to feel that fear and societal shame shift in me -
    I am going to Brighton pride soon and I can't wait :slight_smile: to be part of the March and feel part of
    Quote 'I want to build a life with a women '
    Yes it feels so right now - at first the idea was 'weird and now it feels and makes perfect sense - to have that emotional connection , the love the support the growth... To share the beauty of f f relationship -
    To live complete truth of who we are

    Wishing you all the best
     
  4. Bouldghirl

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    I think you are right to focus on your wishes and needs. Mine won't be the same as yours but we do share that feeling of wanting to be in control of ourselves. I think once you admit to yourself that you are a gay woman your natural first reaction is to panic and think 'who knows' then 'who should I tell'. This is where you take a deep breath and take the decisions that will shape your life (or at least your friendships). You must decide at this point the way you want to go. Don't panic - there are no wrong answers. Theoretically it's so liberating to be 'out & proud'. That won't suit everyone. You may find it better to have one-to-ones with your closest friends and family. The important thing is to be comfortable within yourself. You have made your choice. We are delighted to have you join us.
     
  5. CameronMR

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    I feel as though I have very similar needs as a gay woman.

    I told my kids.
    They are happy for me. My 18yo is stoked that he'snot the only gay one in the family(apart from my pansexual cousin) My 11yo just goes with the flow, and hasn't voiced her thoughts but I kissed my girlfriend in from of her the other day and she didn't even batt an eye. My 5yo thinks its cool and occasionally asks me about being gay. Questions such as "do you make out with a girl" and "are you going to marry a girl" My only question is how does he know what making out is? Oh, he also asked if I touched a boob once. I skirted around that one and inserted a consent lesson by saying that I would never touch someones boob without their permission, and that I would never be upset if someone said no because we respect other peoples personal boundaries. theres no point in pretending at this point that he is completely ignorant about such things, so I decided that I will teach him properly because I KNOW his dad(abusive cheater who preys on women and doesn't give a shit about consent) wont teach him to properly respect other peoples boundaries. sorry, got off track, but I am passionate about this. lol

    I joined the local pride society
    I am on the board and I am making a difference.

    I started a support group
    this is one of many I will start. This one is for people just like up who need support around coming out. I have an equal partner who helps me put on the group, a gay man, so we have well-rounded support. Next I want to start a support group for parents and families of those who have come out. I have resources from the childrens hospital gender clinic for that one. And eventually I would like to, with community resources, do something about housing those who are kicked out or disowned because of thier orientation/gender but it wont be limited to just that, I want to also help those who are low income and homeless find shelter.

    I am out and proud, I have not specifically told my family (with the exception of my aunt and my siblings) but I also dont hide it and wont lie is asked.

    I am loving life so much now! I am excited to see where life takes me and I am dating a totally hot girl, every time she kisses me I am like "wow, she's totally into me, How did I get so lucky!"
     
  6. baristajedi

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    Rosepetals, good luck with your mom! Does she know you're gay? I think it does help for her to have a friend in a similar position.

    ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2016 at 11:48 AM ----------


    Wishing you all the best too, consciousrose! Good luck with coming out to the people in your life! Who are you planning to come out to at this point?

    Good for you got marching in Pride! I marched in my city's Pride and it was an amazing feeling, very empowering. Have fun!!!

    ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2016 at 11:54 AM ----------

    Thanks so much Bhouldgirl, I've actually been on this site a long time though and started coming out about 10 months ago. I'm out as not straight to everyone, I'm even out on Facebook, so I'm pretty loud and proud at this point. It's only recently though that I've come to acknowledge that I'm not bi but I'm actually gay. I'm not in a panic at all about being gay. I've passed through those phases after coming out as bi. Now I'm calm, happy and confident about my sexuality.

    My life in the other hand, being in a straight marriage....yeah that's certainly a mess. So that's where the challenges are for me.

    ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2016 at 11:58 AM ----------


    Cameron, it's so good to see you again on here!

    I'm so glad you're loving your life and all the pieces are coming together. And go you, dating a hot girl :eusa_danc

    I also started a support group...first meeting is still not for a bit, but I'm really looking forward to it :icon_bigg. How's yours going? I remember you talking about it on here a while ago.
     
    #6 baristajedi, Jul 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  7. RosePetals76

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    Barista, my mom knows and she's not thrilled. Some days she tries to be accepting and she'll ask me questions, while others she chastises me for being out and says that I shouldn't be dating or letting my kids know about me being lesbian.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    :dry:

    (*hug*). I'm sorry Rosepetals, what a discouraging attitude. I hope you can get through to her. Don't let her take away your sense of pride in yourself.
     
  9. findingjoy

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    I certainly hope you feel that way!
    sharing your struggles and thoughts here has been a great help to me. And I am not the only one.. Whenever you post something I always see people post something like 'That's just what i needed to hear' or "i was confused and this explains what i was thinking" or something like that.
     
  10. baristajedi

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    Thank you, findingjoy! Wow, that makes me really happy. :slight_smile:
     
  11. CameronMR

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    It's going well, I have a partner helping me with the group, a gay man, and it's been a success. I have much interest in the group and we are advertizing it all over. We are considering making it a pizza night one a month, or cookies and tea, or something...lol the local pride society is backin us up and we have fundng availiable through not only the society, but also corprate(just in the process of qualifying for it). This has the potential to become a paid position in the future, or at least that is what everyone tells me. I want to expand to include youth support groups in the local schools(this will start in september, we have already spoken to the schools), and a parents support network to help the parents deal with thier LGBTQ2IA kids. I will also be involved with the local aboriginal nation and the 2 spirit support network, and with the AIDS outreach network and needle exchange programs. I eventually want to look into housing for kid who are kicked out for being gay or runaways who are afraid to come out to their families. I want better support and help for youth who self harm, particularly trans kids with gender dysphoria(though all self -harming kids are welcome no matter the reason!). I also want to get involved with housing for the homeless as well. We cant have people freezing to death in our canadian winters anymore.

    I am excited that this is taking off so well and that i have so much community support.
     
  12. Lilith1108

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    I have read you stories with a open heart, and weeping eyes. Your stories have touch me. I have been out since birth almost. I did not have role models way back then. Families back then thought it was a mental illness. So I had much against me. I was gay, butch, black, and from a very religious family. I was suppose to get married have children and work. I did get married had 2 beautiful bio children and raised/adopted 3 other family members. I got my Masters in Nursing and remained gay. Not very good at picking partners. But I am alive with great grown children out on their own. Making it big on their own. Now I am looking for friends to fill up my life. Good friends with substance. Anybody out looking for the same? Womyn stick to you path go out join groups been know, do small things, do big things help out our community wherever you can. <3
    :smilewave
     
  13. D Jay Lulu

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    I will be your friend Lilith1108
     
  14. afgirl

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    I do read your posts with interest, and I'll put my thoughts out there as well. I understand that I am a bit different than many on here, but my journey is just that....mine. It doesn't particularly align the way many others' do, but so be it. As long as I'm doing my best to be true to myself, what difference does it make?

    First, I'm not sure I'm gay, bi, or whatever. At first I thought I was just smitten with this one person and that was it. Then I accepted that I must be bisexual. Now? Now, I'm wondering if perhaps it's deeper than that. I think time will ultimately tell, but for now it's just not that big of a deal for me. Sometimes, though, when I have time to let my mind wander, it does go there. I'm not stressing over it, though.

    I am now ten months into a wonderful relationship with a woman that I adore. She loves me, she will do anything for me, and it's been amazing to know what this feels like. She has been out most of her life, and she helps me with everything I'm going through. She answers all my silly questions, which I tend to have many. I just wonder how in the world I landed this chick. :slight_smile: We work together, but it's such that I could go days without seeing her at work, so it's never awkward or anything. We talk about the future. I think we may have a shot.

    I have told my children about this part of my life. My daughter has not been receptive and continues to be horrible about it. It's something that she is going to have to get used to, but she is worried about what her friends and the community will say. For this reason, I try to be very discreet. I honestly don't care about what these people think, but I understand where she is coming from. My son just wants me to be happy. He has made an effort to know her and is accepting and that means so much to me.

    There really is no LGBT support in my community. I live in a very rural part of Mississippi. I know it's difficult for my girlfriend, because she is used to having a community and it just doesn't exist here. Once my daughter is out of school, I do plan on moving, and would love to be able to experience that aspect of community. For the foreseeable future, it just isn't there.

    Helping others. Well, I kind of figure who would I be able to help....but, strangely enough I reached out to a former coworker because I saw some posts that led me to believe she was in a lesbian relationship. She was, so we ended up discussing both our situations via FB. She lives hundreds of miles away, but used to live in this area. Anyway, a few days later she msg'd me about my thoughts on marriage with a woman. We talked at length on the subject, and my thought process is that any marriage, gay, straight or whatever, must be built on a solid foundation. I guess I was just kind of floored that she came to me for advice. Strange how things change so quickly.

    I finally understand that I am growing and maturing in this process as I go along, even if it's seamless to me. I'm definitely not the same person I was just a year ago.

    Anyway, my thoughts. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Glitterfish

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    Baristajedi thank you for posting this, and everyone else who has added their responses. It's easy for me to get stuck in thinking of sexuality only as a problem and to lose sight of the fact that there should be rewarding experiences at the other end of all this.