How much do you think about your sexuality?

For a long time it was just something that I knew but wasn't ever going to deal with. Just ignore it best I could. Now... it's a constant thing. I don't know what's changed but in the last year or so it's on my mind all the time. I think it's not that it's become any more important, it's just that I don't know how to deal with it in any productive/public way that will leave me feeling stronger so my mind has become stuck on it.

 

I think this is typical when you first start to come out and figure out your sexuality. New things are exciting. Personally, I don't really think about my sexuality much at all, but I've also been out for nearly 12 years now. It starts to become normal after a while.

 

Way too much, though it comes and goes. I go through phases of either repressing it or just being distracted with other things, but then other times it's all I can think about.

 

I think it's normal for us coming out.. in a way I feel like I am wearing myself down, or wearing my resistance down...I know can't keep going back and forth or thinking about.... its a weird feeling because deep inside, I know I am going to accept myself as gay, but it just hasn't surfaced yet.

 

A few years ago this was like non-stop on my mind, it was driving me crazy. It only left my mind after I went on a vacation. Then it was back on my mind, but not as bad. Now it kind of comes and goes for a period of time. Currently,it's at least once everyday. Yeah on my mind a lot though, also I think that is because I am really thinking about it a lot on purpose because I think I am finally making a breakthrough, hopefully?

One thing that has been an issue though is especially when I meet new people I think to myself "if you knew I was not straight would you even want to talk to me? " then I kind of start to mentally separate myself form the straight people in the room I am talking to and make myself feel like an outcast when in reality I am not and no one even knows I am not straight, but it is still on my mind.

 

Dunno. How often do you think of your dominant hand?

 

This happens all the time. Even with people I already know, "If you knew I wasn't straight you'd probably stop liking me."

It's pretty annoying.

 

Only when I think about how great life is and then I think - wow, I am dating someone who is immensely good looking with a decent body and a lovely personality. And the best thing is, it's a guy Oh, yeah, that's right that's cos I'm GAY! And it feels amazing. Truly amazing when I realise that I am now who I truly am.

 

I lived in denial, but knew deep down inside the whole time that I was not straight. (and back then, I DID think about it a lot, however hard I tried not to)
I never genuinely questioned it. I might have "questioned" it while really just denying it.
As soon as I admitted it to myself, I accepted it. I never went through shame or self-hate for being gay.
I thought about it a lot after I first came out to myself, and after each time I tell somebody, but in a normal day I rarely think about it. It's just not a big part of who I am.

 

I feel like when I was a teenager, it would pop up sporadically, but in a denial kind of way. Like I would make out with some girl friends, even experiment, or find a woman's body appealing in a way that wasn't truly all envy. Yet still, I wouldn't go much further into the thoughts. Then when I actually fell for a woman and started questioning, I become obsessive in a really unhealthy way. Now that I understand and have accepted my identity, I hardly think about it. It's just a part of me. And if I do think about it, it's more a nod of acknowledgement.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with constantly thinking about your sexuality, but it seems that you have negative feelings attached to these thoughts. You even mentioned a homophobic voice in your head. Once you start finding people to associate with who are open minded and supporting of gay people, that you can be yourself with and feel comfortable with, these negative feelings will dissipate and you'll start having more positive feelings attached to your gay thoughts.

If you do want to put these thoughts and questions on hold, you might need to find some sort of distraction. Maybe take up a new activity or volunteer for a local cause or something.

 

While I can't recall the last time I wondered whether I was mistaken about really being gay (that happened less and less frequently over the first year or two after I came out to myself), I still spend arguably way too much time worrying about what might go wrong if people to whom I don't intend to come out happen to hear through the grapevine after I come out to other people whom I know to be safe. That's what living in a small, tightly knit, conservative rural community does to you. I keep debating whether it'll get better with time (it's been a few years now, so that's ... again ... arguable that it won't), or whether I should start planning my ... um ... exodus. :icon_redf

 

I think when something is new, you tend to dwell on it. That's true for any major change you make/contemplate making. When I started transitioning, questioning my gender identity and its effect on my sexuality took over my life. Everything I did ended up bringing me back to it. Years later, I still think about it (or I wouldn't be here!) but it's just one part of many parts of me. It doesn't come up much in my day to day life anymore. I'm just me.

 

I think about my sexuality quite often, especially whenever I see someone who I find attractive of the same sex. Which is like several times of day considering the fact that work in customer service. It's rather difficult to deal with because I'm currently with a male which makes me think that perhaps I'm with the wrong sex :icon_redf:eusa_doh:

 

Pretty much a tleast once an hour during waking hours.:bang:

 

Yeah, if I had some sort of plan of action or even an escape route should everything go bad I might be able to make something happen. But life is not a rose bouquet and so I'm well and truly stuck until I can do something.... anything. And while it probably sounds like an excuse, a lot of the things that keep me stuck are not really even in my control! They do however, stand in my way. UGH!

I hope you find a way "out".

 

My sexuality is always on my mind. Doesn't matter what I'm doing. For me though, right now at least, it is not possible to just stop thinking about it.