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How do I "ignore" gender?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Rabell9, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Rabell9

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    I identify as genderqueer and was designated male at birth and cis by default for most of my life, but now I know who I truly I am yet it's all the more confusing sometimes. I've been told many times to not get caught up in what is male or female, but idk how to do that. Sometimes I get it right, and can sort of ignore if I am being masculine and feminine by not drawing too much attention to it, but then I go back to getting stuck on gender. I think I am androgynous, but I find myself defaulting to the masculine then telling myself I need to be more like a girl. :***::rolle:
     
  2. Hats

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    I'm not quite sure what you're asking.

    1. Are you afraid to express your feminine side?
    2. Are you unsure how to express your feminine side?
    3. Are you unsure how to express yourself with androgynous looks?
    4. Are you trying to ignore your feminine feelings because it makes you uncomfortable or it's difficult, and it would be easier to express yourself as male even though that's not who you are inside?
     
  3. Rabell9

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    I guess what I mean is how do I not focus on gender so much and just be myself, regardless of if it is male female or otherwise. That is the advice I have been given, but I have trouble following it.

    In a way, I'm asking all of those questions above as well. I am afraid to express my feminine side and it is easier to pretend I am more masculine. My hope is that I can be more androgynous because I am sure I experience both male and female.
     
  4. Rickystarr

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    It's easier said than done to just ignore gender when you are trans*. The only advice I can really give is to realize that gender expression does not equal gender identity. A guy can wear makeup and a girl can have a buzzcut, etc. So if you feel a certain gender but your behavior/clothing/interests don't necessarily match up, it doesn't make you less of that gender. It just makes you a little different that's all.

    Just a personal story of mine: Before I decided I wanted to transition (though I knew I was trans), I was trying to find alternate solutions to transitioning. I thought I would just do some sort of exercises to love my body or something. I would list things that were better about being female. I even considered seeing a behavioral therapist or something to try and "fix" me, or even a hypnotist that could make my brain react differently to being identified as female and misgendered and stuff. Like instead of ringing a bell and I would cluck like a chicken, every time I was called "she" I would be happy lol.

    Of course, I never did any of that. Once I allowed myself to really think about what my future could be like if I transitioned, I never wanted to go back.

    I don't know much about genderqueerness, but just do what you want and try not to associate it with gender if possible. If you want to wear a dress, wear a dress. If you want to fix a car, fix a car. Blah blah stereotypes blah blah lol.
     
  5. 66vangirl

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    Yeah, I always considered it part of my feminism to be a little more masculine but I am seeing that I am not strictly on a binary as I get older. I would love for gender identification to be less prominent in our society, I find that when I am around friends or in comfortable places I don't even think about it. When I am already nervous I become hyper aware of how I am presenting myself.

    Actually some of the most interesting people are not cookie cutter or binary,
     
  6. Hats

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    I did this too by refusing my feminine side any chance to express herself (locking her in the closet) whilst simultaneously coming out to people that she existed. Two weeks later, she kicked the door down with a series of abrupt gender switches only a second or so apart, leaving me emotionally drained and also terrified because I knew one day I’d have to let her loose and I couldn’t tell what she’d do when I did. So yes, locking away your female side (at least emotionally) probably won’t work. I’m currently experimenting at finding some casual clothing combinations which are largely androgynous but also recognisably feminine. That way when I feel female I won’t feel oppressed or as if I’m wearing the wrong clothes, but if I feel male then I won’t also feel like I’m in drag, and I can easily swap something for a more masculine look if necessary.
     
  7. GenderSciFi

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    Yeah, quite frankly, that advice is shite.
    - Either you don't need it because you do whatever you want regardless of the gendered implications, and that works great for you,
    - Or you, like most trans* people, have to worry a lot about what makes you this or that gender, how to properly express your gender etc. And that's completely normal and okay, I would say it's at least a phase that most trans* and questioning people go through.

    I've been told that, I've been told that we as a society have moved past gender norms. Asked why I can't just do my thing without making it a gender identity thing. I've realized now that this was very harmful for me because it invalidated my real everyday struggle with gender norms, my body and my identity. Now I think, f*ck you all, I'm going to be as anxious as I need to be. Not fitting gender boxes is a huge deal and I'm not going to walk all over myself trying to ignore my issues.
    So my advice is: take your time. Find out which elements of gender expression fit you best. You don't have to be more masculine or feminine than you want to, you don't owe that to anybody.
     
  8. Rabell9

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    This all helps, but what sticks out to me is the idea that cis people tell me to not make a big deal out of gender, but they don't understand that that is impossible. I have felt so guilty and stupid for not being able to drop gender. I would even end up obsessing over it when I tried to drop it. So thanks Gender SciFi for that. Hats, I can relate with the fear that goes with locking away you feminine side. My feminine side actually really scares me at times, because it is off in a repressed, dark space sometimes. I will need to find the right fits for me, nail polish, bracelet, and necklaces has helped me but I think it's also a mind set. RickyStar thanks for mentioning gender expression is different than gender identity. I hope I can work on these things, but it takes more time than I want to take lol. I don't really have a choice though
     
  9. GenderSciFi

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    Maybe it might help to remember that, in many more ways than one, who you are and what you chose to present to other people about yourself are very separate things.
    you can experiment with gender expression alone at home, think about how you want to label yourself... and there's no pressure to put it out there more than you are able to. so you can go... fast and slow at the same time, I guess?