I'm trying to work this out in my head, so I'm going to break it down here: I have developed emotional attachments to men (or a man), though with the feeling that something was missing in terms of depth. I have been turned on during sex with men, but I've never really sought it or desired it. Though, when I was a virgin I wanted to try it because it was supposed to be amazing, and the build up was exciting, but once I'd done it, I didn't know what the big deal was. The vast majority of the time, I find sex with men frustrating and unsatisfying. There are some elements of it that I dislike. For months, I've been struggling feel turned on during sex (w/ opposite-sex partner) at all. It's the hardest part of our relationship to live with, for me. It feels so awkward. But, I don't know whether this is due to more general relationship issues. I can get turned on during sex if I think about women and my mind just drifts into some fantasy, but I wonder whether that's just because questioning has made me so focused on women. I'm going in circles with this. Any thoughts appreciated.
Hello NotMyName, I am sorry firstly that this is all happening now for you. My first sexual experience was with a man and I found it really difficult to personally physically impossible to get turned on and emotionally I was a little turned on but not enough for anything to happen. I was trying my hardest to get turned on with my fantasy (about women) and a girl from school who had got me going and really focusing on that to get me going but nothing worked. This has happened a couple of times after as well with the same results for me. So you are not the only one to have done this. As you are in a relationship and I wasn't, then I done really fully understand how awkward but I can try and understand. Also if you are not feeling turned on by your partner without you trying then, why is this happening. Yes this is maybe awkward too, but maybe for you both to sit down and you to tell him how you are feeling and that it is hurting you. Also trying to look at, and sort out between you your "general relationship issues" and see if you can sort through them, before trying maybe again. My other thought is, are you happy in this relationship? If not then has that also got something to do with this. It is also coming across to me from what you have said and my understanding of it from what I know of it in my personal life that maybe it is worth looking for a same-sex partner relationship and see how it feels. These are just a few thoughts that I have, and I hope that something here may help you.
You and only you can know your sexuality, but it sounds to me as if your not straight label is accurate, and you are leaning towards lesbianism - don't wish to scare you but what would you say to someone if you read a similar post from them?
Hi HIMYM, thanks for your reply. My first experience was a bit different from yours, so that's interesting. You make some good points about my current relationship. I do feel that my approach to questioning has been self-centered. I should be more in the real world, focused on my relationship and my daughter. My attraction to women might just be a fantasy brought about by a rough patch in my relationship, and is that really worth risking everything for? I don't know. I often think it's ridiculous that I'm even contemplating it. ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2016 at 04:39 PM ---------- Thanks, Justasking. I know what conclusion I'd draw. It's the voice that tells me I'm being silly and making it all up, that's confusing me.
Hello NotMyName and thank you for replying back to me. Can I please say that your thoughts and or your feelings are not ever ridiculous especially if it is hurting you and then therefore your relationship. I need to also take this advice personally, right now, as I am finding this advice difficult to grasp, but I know it is true. Thank you for replying back to me, you have made my day by doing so thank you.
NotMyName, I felt a lot of similar things to what you're experiencing. In general my attraction to men and sex and intimacy has always been ok, not awful, but not particularly spectacular. I have Put in effort to make it fun, varied and interesting. And that has paid off in terms of making it fun. But honestly, it never really felt fulfilling to me either. So I know how you feel. Only you can answer what this means for you. I think I understand how you're feeling at this point in your questioning. If I have to guess I'd say you kind of know what your feelings mean, but you're not sure exactly what you need, would you say that's accurate? I think it might help to remember, as I've mentioned before, all the answers don't have to come right now. These feelings you have for women, they're real. But st this moment, that may be the only answer you have, and that's ok. I say start from the things you *are* certain about (I fantasise about women during sex) and then try to ask a small question that stems from that. (How would I feel if I fantasise about other men during sex? And try it. Then think about whether that does anything for you. What if I picture myself doing intimate but non sexual things with women, say holding hands, cuddling, how does that make me feel? Etc) I hope that helps. ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2016 at 09:02 AM ---------- Just an anecdote....one of my fantasies about women was of the most mundane variety, picking up groceries from a shop together, and walking back to our home, where presumably we shared a life. That was such a warm fantasy for me...
Your feelings sound identical to mine before I discovered my sexuality and came out as a lesbian. Only you can decide if that's you, but it sounds like you're at least bi, if not lesbian.
I can totally empathise with this. I put my lack of enjoyment down to a low sex drive. Since I came out to myself and subsequently others as bisexual (my husband knows), I feel like I have wanted it less and less. I never initiate it and feel bad for him as I think I am in fact more gay than straight. I love him and enjoy his company but I don't have the butterflies I want. I crave being with a woman, I think it would be far more sensual and satisfying for me. Perhaps write some facts about yourself down in the order you think them, it kind of helped me to accept myself.
