I know it probably sounds stupid but here's the thing. I'm an 18 year old straight guy and I've always felt really comfortable with my sexuality. I've never had any gay crushes or weird sex dreams or anything that would cause me to doubt my sexuality. I was in a relationship with a girl for two years and everything just felt so right - I really loved her and I never once doubted my feelings for her. But recently I've been confused about everything and now I don't know where I stand. I became friends with this guy last year and he's gay but he doesn't make a big deal out of it. It's not like he's ever tried to come onto me or do anything that would make me question myself, but lately I've noticed that I've become kind of infatuated with him. I'm always thinking about him and what it'd be like to touch him, and the other night I fantasized about going down on him so now I'm just really freaked out. I don't even think he thinks about me that way - there haven't been any obvious signs from him and like I said, he's never hit on me before so this has all just come out of nowhere. I don't know if it's just because I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago and he's been with me through it, or if it's just because he's gay and it's got me curious what it'd be like. I just know that I love being friends with him and I also kind of wanna sleep with him. I miss him when he's not around too. I've known him for less time than all my other friends but it just feels like our friendship is different and stronger, and I don't wanna lose that but I don't know if I can be around him until I sort this out. I feel so weird now. Is this something lots of straight people go through? Is it normal to have gay thoughts that pass after a while? I don't think I can be bisexual or anything because I've never been interested in guys before and I really did love my girlfriend. Plus when I spoke to my friend about his sexuality he says he pretty much knew from the moment he hit puberty. I think I'd know if I'd been attracted to guys all this time, it's not like I'm anti-gay or in denial or anything.
I re-read that second paragraph and the wording is a bit off so I just wanted to clarify: I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with being proud of being gay or bringing it up a lot, I get why people do that and I don't wanna sound like I'm secretly uncomfortable with all things gay. I just mean that my friend isn't really like that. I wouldn't have known he was gay if he hadn't told me because he never talks to me about LGBT issues or anything that would imply he's into guys. He might just be uncomfortable with that part of himself around straight people, I don't know. But all I'm saying is that there's not really any correlation between his sexuality and all this stuff with me because his sexuality is practically a non-issue that rarely gets brought up unless I encourage him to speak about it. And I don't expect him to come onto me just because he's gay, I'm not vain or anything. It's just that if he had come onto me then this would make a lot more sense. :help:
i think if you were 100% straight you wouldn't have these feelings. but that doesn't mean you are gay, bi?. and it doesn't mean you have to stop using the label straight or come out to anyone. i'd say, follow your feelings, be non judgmental on yourself, just see what happens and what you learn. even discuss it with your gay friend- gee i wish i had one of those, see what he says. i'd say leaving the relationship took the walls blocking other thoughts down maybe? yep many people know by puberty (rolls eyes enviously - great for them), but many don't. people are married with kids and these feelings surface and they have a whole heap of stuff to deal with. so yeah, follow your feelings, give yourself time good luck
Hey, thanks for the advice! I think you're right, I'm probably not completely straight and I guess it's stupid to keep clinging to that idea. But I just feel like it wouldn't be right to say I'm anything else when it's not really guys I'm interested in - it's just this one guy. And I don't think I'm attracted to him because he's a guy, it's more like I'm interested in him regardless of that. Does that make sense? I don't really want to throw this on my friend in case he takes it the wrong way. He never talks about sex or love or anything like that and it might freak him out if he learned about my feelings. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable - I'm honestly just hoping this passes and we can go back to how things usually are. And yeah, I never thought of it like that but that makes sense. I wasn't interested in anyone else when I was with my girlfriend, I had no reason to think about other people that way, and now that I've started looking at my friend this way I've lost interest in everyone else again. I guess I have a one-track mind or something and I can only focus on one person at a time? But even before I started dating my girlfriend I never thought about guys. I probably thought about girls a lot less than most straight guys do but the thoughts were still there at least. Can your sexuality really change this suddenly? I don't know, I'm probably overthinking it all now haha.
I don't think it would be a matter of your sexuality changing so suddenly, more like you might be starting to understand it. All through high school I assumed I was straight, even when I had a crush on my best friend who was the same sex - I just didn't give any validity to the feeling. I guess you would call it "denial", but honestly it was more like I just thought I was like "everybody else" so I buried it. Before that, I'd only thought about the opposite sex. I never would have thought that I was actually bi. (having said that though, there are also cases where people just experience the odd exceptions to their orientation) Considering it's your first time feeling same sex attraction, I wouldn't worry for now about labelling it. All that really matters is that your feelings are genuine. Approach it like you would any other crush I guess, and tell your friend if and when you feel comfortable. I mean, you can choose to ignore the feelings too and wait for them to pass like you said but make sure you're doing this for the right reasons, and not just because you're afraid it's another guy. If you like him this could be something that you'd really regret. Also, just want to let you know, that even if I have a crush on someone who's straight - I'll do my best not to act on it or show it. Sort of out of respect. Like, it would be disrespectful for a straight person to try hit on or "change" a gay person. Your friend might be similar if he thinks you're totally straight too. Maybe you could start dropping subtle hints that you like him. Even the way you make eye contact can be a big thing. I don't know if any of this helps. Hope it does.
As the above poster said, you don't have to label it at the moment. Just take it in as new information. You'll learn more about yourself everyday. If you've been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years, and never once doubted yourself, then it's safe to say that you have genuine attractions to women. Everyone is somewhere on the sexuality spectrum.
Maybe but out of 3.5 billion guys on earth, if you already found one guy so far you're attracted to, even though you've only met suuuuuch a small fraction of everyone in the world, there is almost bound to be another guy somewhere in the world who's such a perfect match that you could've been attracted to. The thing is, my one piece of advice is that you should really stop overthinking it : d It's natural to overthink such things, but from my own experience, and from a few other friends of whom I also found out later that they were bi, it's really tempting to tell yourself something like "THIS IS REALLY THE ONLY ONE". And often, half a year later, when you learned to deal with it a bit better you slowly admit you're bi but with a biiiig preference for girls, and after another year sometimes they actually find they're in the middle, or even prefer guys now that they allow it to happen (while still liking girls). But the point is that you can't fight it. I can't look in your mind, and even for you it's hard because it comes unexpected. The best thing you can do is to just think "fuck it" and let it go. You don't have to feel very confused. You know you liked girls, so period. You're into girls. Okay, you found yourself attracted to 1 guy, so you know that at least under certain circumstances, you "can also be attracted to guys". Whether that means rarely, or just as often as with girls, you don't know, but does it matter? If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. In my opinion labels are just so that other people around you understand you. So if you're occassionally attracted to a guy, but almost exclusively date women, who cares if you call yourself straight! You're de facto maybe behaving as such. But don't get caught up in that labelling. It are just words. It doesn't change your sexuality, and sexuality is not black and white. That's funny actually, I have the same! Just before I first found out I wasn't fully straight I had this thing with a girl. I was sooo in love with her, I only saw her. Actually, I saw other guys really as competition Xd even, in hindsight, if they would be completely my type haha. I don't think it changes that much, but rather it depends on your state of mind... When I like a girl, afterwards I often have a girl-phase. When I think about loving someone, her memory is still the most fresh in my mind. So when I think about girls, I think about girls like her. When I think about guys then, I have no good example in my mind, so think about the most average guy and am not so interested in persuing guys then. Until I happen to find someone so perfect who changes it around again. When I was younger I was so much more into girls. But probably because I really never thought about it... I never allowed myself to be attracted to guys and so it didn't really develop much.. until at some point it somewhere got too strong to deny, only later did I realise I could develop it for other guys as well.
Thanks for all the advice, guys. Took some time to think about it and I've decided not to rush into labelling my sexuality right now. I think my biggest problem is that I overthink things and get too caught up panicking over definitions when all that really matters is how I feel. Do you think this is a common thing for gay/bi guys to do? I talk to my friend about everything but his love life is the one topic that's off limits - he laughs it off or makes jokes about being dead inside whenever it's brought up. Does that sound like a normal reaction? I'd like to hope I have a chance with him but he's tough to read and he might freak out if I start coming onto him.
Well I'm not sure how common it is, haha. It probably depends on the person. It can also be intimidating to show you like someone straight too. Its more than rejection to worry about. Like, there's a higher chance people will react badly. Hard to interpret his reaction when you talk about relationships. sounds like he might be feeing a bit helpless or down. If you approach flirting with him carefully and seeing how he reacts, I don't think there'd be much to worry about. Its not probably going to freak him out unless you're careless and too bold about it :icon_wink
