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"compromises"? feels more like sacrifices.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Zoe Izumi, Jul 18, 2016.

  1. Zoe Izumi

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    I often feel like these "compromises" my family come up with are more give on my end, and less on their's.
    for example "you can wear your skirt in your room only" is exactly what I did BEFORE I came out. (forgive the caps, can't use bold on 3ds)
    I have chosen mostly unisex t-shirts to buy, which i felt is a real compromise because I only buy ones I like.

    My brother is trying to say that a "compromise" would be to wear shorts for my costume at a anime convetion this year, but I can't see it working with shorts instead of the skirt it was designed to have. I tried to suggest wearing both as a real compromise because he has to get used to having a sister eventually, but he seems very resistant to even give me that. I even almost think I'll have to leave my breastforms at home because of him.
     
  2. Invidia

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    Go for the skirt, sister, you've earned it. xo

    May I ask, how old are you?
    And I would agree with you. I think your responsibility is to do your best to be truthful to yourself, and the responsibility of your family is to accept you.
     
  3. Zoe Izumi

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    26, but live at home for financial reasons.

    My brother is older.
     
  4. Invidia

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    Okay. Well, if they aren't okay with you dressing how you like etc. that shows that they don't fully accept you yet, I think. When was the last time you talked to them about this stuff? Maybe it's time for a reminder and a talk.
     
  5. Synesthesia

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    OK not that it would be better if you were younger but 26? They shouldn't be treating you like that, you're an adult. Hope you can move soon or put them in their place.
     
  6. Althidon

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    I'd say wear what you like at the convention. It's a cosplay, and it's meant to look a certain way. And point out to your brother that it's not like there won't be actual men in female cosplay - that's pretty common at anime conventions.

    Find a safe place where you can go, outside the home, as a woman. Someplace where you aren't likely to be recognized by anyone. And start making plans to move out.

    It doesn't sound like your parents are asking you to compromise. They're asking you to not transition. It's not the same thing at all. Do you think they would throw you out if you started dressing female outside the home and they knew about it?
     
  7. Zoe Izumi

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    No, I don't think they would. I can't move out however because I can't afford to. So far all my co-workers who know about it support me, so I don't think I really need to move far away at all.
    My mom has said she would prefer if I don't, but she will probably support me even when I do. My brother is the one who is more actively saying he wants me to stay the same. Even getting mad at me when I do something he doesn't like. That's what makes it feel like he sometimes thinks I'm his puppet or something.

    I kinda think that if I have kids someday, I would not allow them to name eachother. My brother picked out my "legal" name when I was born.

    I think about how things could have gone when I came out. I still have my family, and should still have them even when I transition. I think myself lucky for that.
     
    #7 Zoe Izumi, Jul 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2016
  8. PennyT

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    You shouldn't have to compromise who you are in order to keep your family close. If you ever have kids, it is your right to name them (at least initially when they can't name themselves). Legally, you are in charge of you. Even if your brother gets angry, it's your body, your mind, your identity, your life, not his. Don't let him control you. It sounds like your mom can be an ally. Maybe you could see if she can support you when you need to stand up against him? Just remember that your family is lucky to have you. (*hug*)
     
  9. Rickystarr

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    To me it sounds like the only compromise happening is that your expression makes them uncomfortable so you must compromise your happiness and they will let you live there and be a part of the family. Doesn't sound too healthy to me. That being said, it is important you have a place to stay so maybe you should keep things subtle until you can move out. Most women don't wear skirts around the house all the time anyway. Stick to women's jeans and T shirts if you have to. You should be able to cosplay however you want to though. That is kind of the point.
     
  10. Zoe Izumi

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    I already bought a couple parts of the costume, a strap, buckle, and shirt. The strap and buckle are for making a custom backpack.
     
  11. Kasey

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    Besides I 100% know what you mean...

    Don't wear a skirt to an anime convention? Hahaha haha oh my god. You can literally wear whatever you want and no one will give a shit.
     
  12. Kiran

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    Wow. What good pieces of advice from people in the closet.

    The first thing to ask is: how long do they know?

    Do you take under consideration that it's a shock for them? They need time to adjust. Their talks about compromise comes out of shock. Their world has crashed and they neet time to fix it. That could be mixed with some fight for control. You have to be able to say no, but do it in an assertive way.

    I know what you go through. My parents want me to slow down with transition. They accepted me (more or less) but even what I consider slow looks now too fast for them. They're scared.

    You need to talk with them. They probably need a helping hand . you have support lgbt groups, empty closet etc. What do they have? You have to explain slowly. Ask questions. Answer theirs.

    The compromise would be you going however you want by yourself. Let them get used to jt seeing you at home etc before you go out with them.

    Maybe your brother is scared how to react if you'd be laughed at or cursed? Do you think it might be too early for him to treat you as a girl? You were always a boy for him.

    Doesn't matter when you realised, but you've been dealing with your transgender identity for months at least. How about them?

    It's hard but they need space and time too and shouldn't be cornered to accept you asap. Talk. Explain. Show them understanding. Be assertive.
     
  13. Zoe Izumi

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    I'll put it simply, my brother is a "conservative" to the point that for a time he got pissed at the mere mention of the word "gay" I don't expect him to come around for a LONG time, but even so, we will barely see each other at the convention. As others have pointed out, "guys" wearing skirts at Anime conventions is common.

    it's been almost a year, and will be around the time of the convention. My brother needs to understand that people bullying me for being girly is what made me take so long to figure myself out. Now I'm not afraid of being who I am anymore, a whole year should be long enough to at least get used to it to the point of not getting angry about a simple skirt.
     
  14. Shorthaul

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    Actually there are a couple Anime characters that wear shorts under their skirts... the only name I can think of at the moment is Misaka from A Certain Scientific Railgun.

    My vote is wear both, or just the shorts at first. Then ditch him once you are at the convention and change. You are 26, he really isn't in any position to tell you what you can and can't do.


    You mentioned you are at your parent's house for money reasons. Is there maybe some expenses you could trim down to save up to get an apartment? Maybe go into a place with a close friend as a roommate to ease the financial burden on you both... I don't want to ask a whole bunch of questions and derail your thread, so I am just tossing out ideas.
     
    #14 Shorthaul, Jul 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2016
  15. Zoe Izumi

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    As far as the shorts go, I was thinking some bike shorts or other "tights like" shorts to wear under the skirt, kinda like May from Pokemon, though I might go with a longer skirt.

    Also no, there are no expenses I can trim off. I make minimum wage, so there's not much there to begin with for that stuff. as it is I would be getting new expenses soonish for my own phone without going through my Dad's plan(this is by choice).

    I don't know of any friends I would be able to have as a roommate at this time either.
     
  16. AmyBee

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    I don't know what character you're cosplaying as or what kind of skirt, but a lot of Japanese girls wear shorts under their uniform skirts. They HAVE to for reasons that will probably be pretty obvious to you. I guess it depends on how short the skirt, though.
     
  17. Zoe Izumi

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    I was thinking of a Knife Pleated skirt for making one myself. Possible near knee length, a bit above though.
     
  18. Shorthaul

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    I'll stick with what will make you feel the most comfortable, cause that is pretty important.


    As for the other things, just hang in there. It will get better.
     
  19. AmyBee

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    There's always a chance of using like gym type shorts or something under that. A lot of girls here use their PE shorts, which are almost knee length, but there are shorter variants. Or like bike shorts.