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Next spent...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Stewie, Jul 16, 2016.

  1. Stewie

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    Next Step* stupid auto correct



    Just joined, and after reading through posts and other threads I feel a slight weight lift off my shoulders, Its not that I thought I was alone in my thoughts and feelings, it's just good to actually see and read it... Misery loves company after all. Lol

    Quick little bio.
    I'm 39 (no kids, it just wasn't supposed to happen and we were ok with it) and married to my highschool sweetheart and best friend(no cliche) up until the last few months we were inseparable, and I'm not exaggerating, we were the exception when it came to a relationship, I can count on 1 hand how many fights we have had in 19 years, we have been there for each other through everything, we got together less then a year after graduation, waited 7 years to get married(I cried when she walked up the isle)... (I'm crying rate now typing this out thinking about how much this is going to hurt her)... She is everything to me...

    But I have come to a realization over the last year and last few months... I'm gay.
    Holycrap I can barely see through the tears....

    Anyway, we were talking a few weeks ago and I told her that I think I was Bi, and had been thinking about men...(so embarrassing) Pretty big surprise for her as I'm one of those manly men, I work in a profession that other men look up to, I have days when I even stop and think WTF am "I" doing, how did I end up here... I drive a truck, own guns, have a beard, drink beer... Yet the stupidest movie will make me cry...(not that I let her know)
    So she asked a few questions, have I cheated on her,(I haven't and would never) Did I have someone in mind(which I don't, although there's plenty I know that I find attractive) and we pretty much left it there. She asked me when we were laying in bed "Am I holding you back"
    I thought about it and said "I don't think so" ... The honest answer would have been "yes" but I figured coming out to her was enough for one night.
    It was a bit awkward around here for a few days, but it's kinda back to how it was before I told her, were defiantly distanced but not like we're ignoring each other or anything.

    But this is starting to eat me up inside, I don't think I can just ignore this anymore, I've been so unhappy for so long and blaming it on other things like family, or money or just a bad day...

    I don't want to hurt her...

    Should I just leave it at Bi and see what she thinks about me exploring, or rip it off like a bandaid and hope for the best ?
     
    #1 Stewie, Jul 16, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2016
  2. OnTheHighway

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    I say rip it off like a band aid. It will hurt sharply, the pain will subside and the healing will then begin.

    And from reading your post, seems to me you already knew the answer.
     
  3. Godless

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    What he said.
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    I agree. It might be best to confront it all at once.
     
  5. HereWeGo

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    Hey Stewie,

    Welcome to EC. You took a great step in the right direction. It's so scary making yourself vulnerable and opening up to the one person you're closest to, especially when you fear hurting her as well.

    Soon you'll feel a giant weight lifted off your chest though.

    I agree with the others on this thread. Best to rip off the Band-Aid. I didn't do that when I told my wife and it just drew out the pain... I'm attracted to guys... then I don't know what I want... I want to have sex with guys... I'm gay you have to accept that... My wife said every time we went to couples therapy I was dropping another bomb. If you think you're gay, let her know that. If you don't know where you are on the spectrum, it's okay to admit that too. Honesty is the ultimate key.

    As you figured out, you're not alone... far from it. EC is a great place to ask for advice, vent, ponder, whatever you need. Or sometimes, it's good to check in just so you're not alone.

    Best of luck navigating these new waters. Click on any of the members posting on this thread and I'm sure you can find their coming out stories if you need help normalizing your situation. Please keep us posted.
     
  6. Nickw

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    Hey Stewie

    I think you just need to be completely honest with your wife about your sexuality, what your sexual and intimacy needs are, and what your wife's needs are. Really, it is as simple as that. That may qualify in the category of "ripping the bandaid off" but in a bit more loving manner.

    After being married for 30 years, I, finally, came out to my wife as a bisexual after almost cheating (BJ's with a CL encounter than I chickened out on). To my surprise, my wife, actually, likes me being bi. She also indicated that she is fine if I was gay.

    How this plays out for you depends on your needs and your wife's needs. My wife needs non-sexual intimacy, security and friendship. She does not care where my **** is the rest of the time. So, you just never know until you have the most honest and intimate conversations you can imagine with her.

    I recommend, also, getting some counseling if you haven't already to help you understand and accept your sexuality.

    Best of luck.
     
  7. Stewie

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    First off thanks for the support and advice, as Onthehighway said, I kinda knew the answer before I started writing that out and as I finished I was sure of it... There's going to be tears and complications but I have to be honest with her and myself... Some of her family is here from out of town, but as soon as my house is cleared I'm going to tell her.
    I will update and let ya know how the chips fell. Thanks again.
     
  8. Stewie

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    Holycrap It went better then I could have ever imagined, and I think it's going to work out even better then I could have hoped. I'm drunk, my wife loves me for who I am. And what I am and where I'm going to go with my life at this point, she's happy. I'm happy.
    Will update again tomorrow when I'm sober.

    Thank you for the support. :kiss:
     
  9. Nickw

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    Hey that is so great for you! Please share your story when you sober up! I bet you wake up today the happiest you have been in a long time...with a headache!!!
     
  10. Stewie

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    Still waiting for the headache to subside.. We were at a friends house, Akvavit is rough stuff, Danish alcohol, we were drinking to an old family friend who lost his battle with cancer yesterday.

    But our conversation when we got home went better then the best case scenario I had imagined, we laughed, we cried, we reaffirmed our friendship and love for each other. We kinda worked out a plan for the future and where we are heading, it is eye opening, I'm struggling to find the words to describe the feelings Happy sums it up although it's way to weak of a word.

    there has been a door in my life that would occasionally crack open but I would never look inside, not from fear of what I would find, but fear of how it would change me, I started looking through that crack the last few months and all I found was love and acceptance wrapped in a big beautiful rainbow, last night I kicked that door open and my heart is bursting at its seems with Joy because of it.
     
  11. Adray

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    Good for you, Stewie!

    I am blessed with a supportive wife. I've learned to listen to her and make sure she is happy, too. It really is working out well for us. She has been an ally as I've been coming out, she is with me, supporting me, not against me. Every situation is different, every relationship (and perhaps even each of our sexualities) is different, but I wish you success and hope you feel the same support that I have.