Letters To Your Younger Self

"Stop trying to be edgy"?

 

I'd actually say a few things to my younger self. The most important thing I could say is to get help for your bipolar disorder as soon as possible. That combined with a shitstorm of life's problems will hit you just when you think you have things sorted out and you need to learn how to cope with things sooner than later. I'd also tell myself to come out in high school. Even though it may seem like it might be dangerous, it's a chance that you need to take in order to stay sane until you graduate. Lastly, I'd tell myself to cherish every moment you have with someone since you'll never know which time you speak to them will be the last.

 

I actually wrote a letter to my 13-year old self for an event called queer monologues where a whole bunch of queer people at my Uni were able to talk about their experiences. It's a bit lengthy, hence the spoiler, but I think it's great but I'm biased.

Spoiler

Dear Me,

I know that you’re currently lost, confused, and uncomfortable with yourself all while going through typical teenage angst, and just know that I’ve sort of been there before. Thirteen years old is a weird time for everybody, and for you, there’s no exception. You’ve had strange feelings recently for some of the boys in your high school, and you aren’t sure what’s going on. You know the ones I’m talking about. It’s been taking a toll on your mental health, and there is rarely a night that you don’t “give in to these urges” and cry yourself to sleep at night at the thought of bringing shame to your family. Not to mention your grades aren’t what they used to be because of this. You don’t know who you are, and don’t know who you will be. So here’s a little piece of information that may help you out on your journey: you’re gay.

Yep. Shocker, huh? You probably already knew but weren’t able to say it yet. You may think this is just a phase you happen to be going through, but I can say this is authentically who you are, and that’s okay. Being gay is okay. And you know what? You’re going to finally be able to say “I’m gay” to yourself in the bathroom mirror one night at 3 o’clock in the morning, and you’ll feel enormously empowered and absolutely terrified at the same time. But now, at least you’re finally feeling something that isn’t confusion, fear, or shame because of who you are.

These next few years are going to be a complete emotional rollercoaster for you as you go through life, and you’re going to feel about every emotion humanly possible. For quite some time, you try to bottle up these feelings and put on the façade of an emotionless robotic super soldier. But like I said, this is just a façade, and you will soon realize that this is not a healthy way for you to handle these emotions. I’m not going to sugar coat it, you went through hell in a lot of ways, but these challenges made you the human being you are today.

First, you join the football team in seventh grade. You did this consciously to deflect any gay rumors about yourself, and subconsciously to look at your crushes in the locker room. The amount of slurs you overheard from both the players and the head coach was unbearable, and it made you quit the sport for good. You also started to hate the way you look. You go into deep, dark places in your mind, and every winter these feelings would begin to creep back and not subside until late spring. You have a group of toxic friends who keep you down and hate who you really are, and you can't seem to cut them out of your life. You also self-harm a few times, and you regret it to this day. You try to live as a straight person, you ask a girl out to a dance, and eventually ask her to be your “girlfriend” for 6 months. You feel terrible for leading her on like this, telling her she’s the only one you think about while going home and thinking about your boy crushes. Speaking of boy crushes, you have quite a few over the years. They all had one thing in common, though: they were straight. Fun. You were devastated that you could not act on any of these feelings and think you will die closeted or alone. You will also be called "faggot" in the school parking lot your senior year, and after your school does nothing, you go home and cry yourself to sleep that night. There are going to be days that you’re going to want to give up. But be assured, while it will be so hard to get through, it gets so much better.

Speaking of getting better, you’re going to tell one of your best friends freshman year at a dance one night that you’re gay, and you will feel so relieved when they say they’re still your friends. You’ll continue coming out until the end of your freshman year, where after the possible catastrophe of being outed, people actually took it pretty well. You own your narrative and become open and proud at school. That next summer, you see a rainbow wristband in a store and convince your parents to buy it for you. They question why you want it at first, but they give in. A few days later at dinner, you come out to them, and while it takes them a while to come around entirely, they do, and they accept all of the authentic you. You come out on Facebook and by the end of the day, you will be in tears of happiness at the number of positive responses you were given by everyone. You will also cut toxic friends out of your life, even though it’s hard, but it's for the best. Your grades begin to get better as you start to feel finally accepted for the first time, and you finish high school with a 3.85 GPA. You’ll get to go to the college of your dreams with two of your best friends from high school. You’ll also meet a guy who started out as a very close friend but soon became your best friend, your boyfriend, and your rock. He’s been there for you for over half a year, and you love him so much. You’re going to have some really great moments over the next few years, buddy.

And while you will have major discoveries over the next few years, your journey will still continue. You learn more about yourself and try to figure out where on the asexual spectrum you fit in. You break down one night and cry to yourself and be diagnosed with seasonal affective depression and anxiety, but you also finally begin taking positive steps in your mental health journey, treating your mental health seriously and you know you are not alone. You finally feel at ease for the first time in a long time about this. While you will figure out some things about yourself earlier on in life, you will have many more things to learn about yourself for the rest of your life, and that’s okay. Being a work in progress is okay. I guess what I’m trying to get at is while life can be very fickle at times, it will get better for you and you deserve to see it get better, Mr. Work In Progress.

With love,

Me

 

1. You're gay. Admit it already. lol
2. You have Asperger's syndrome, and you should get help for it soon. At least talk to the school counselor about your struggles or something.
3. Don't worry about what others think; be yourself even if people make fun of you.
4. (To my seventh grade self) Study more! Seriously!
5. Try to think more positively rather than drowning in all your negative thoughts.

 

Dear younger me,

-please don't be an annoying, whiny brat in Middle school and act quicker and get more social in 9th grade as soon as the year starts
-you're a girl
-follow the 2012 election (trust me it's funny)
-Get on ADHD medication earlier

-Margo

 

dear 13yo me, dont end up like me at 27 lol ...jk, idk..itd be too long if i actually wrote one

 

Dear younger me,
Stop procrastinating.
Start realizing that people actually care about love and sex.
Work around that. They're not stupid, just different.
Everything will turn out fine.
Now, fuck off.

 

Dear stupid, hormonal, oh-woe-is-me, 17 year old me. Get your act together.

 

It's okay to crush on girls.

Encouraged, really.

 

Dear younger me,

1.Try and enjoy life as much as you can because life really goes by fast.
2. Don't let people borrow your video games; you'll never get them back.
3. Wear sunscreen when you go swimming. Trust me you'll thank me later.
4. Stop being so freaking gullible.
5. Oh and stop whining all the time and pull yourself together.

-From, well you know who it is. XD

 

Come out to yourself first.

Start your transition early.

Realize that you are an artist in many ways and that you have the power to create great music, writing, drawings and sculptures, and films to inspire others.

 

If I tell you what I want to tell you now, then in the future you'll have no reason to go back in time and tell yourself this. So I'll tell you something that won't change, on the 14th of July 2016, no matter what you're doing, come back to today and tell yourself this.

 

Paradoxes aside, I'd probably say something like this-

Dear younger me, (10 year old me).

Stop being so damn aggressive! You'll realise as you get older that not everything can be resolved in a fist fight. I know it's hard when it seems that you have no way to express your frustrations, but as you grow up you'll find ways- trust me, such as expressing those negative emotions through poetry and other mediums. Anger will be one of your greatest enemies, but it can be overcome. You may feel like people are being cruel and unfair to you, and they are- but that's no reason to lash out at them.

Don't lash out at yourself either, I know trying to conceal your frustrations can make it way too easy to turn those same frustrations back at yourself. Also, gay people aren't all that bad- in fact, you're one of them. I know that isn't exactly what you want to hear right now, but just know that your perceptions of gay people are false, they don't lurk in shadows and there is no "gay agenda" despite what you've read and heard.

I know your aunt's meditation methods and guides are going to be annoying, but she is just trying to look out for you. Although, her methods are pretty terrible, and you'll find as you get older that you will start making fun of the meditation tapes and how cheesy they are. Just, trust me- poetry is the way to go, but hide it well! And hide your diary well too, otherwise your sister will read it aloud to your parents! (The shame).

When you get to secondary school, you are going to be in a much more accepting environment- you won't live in a bubble anymore, and yes trust me- you have been living in a bubble up till this point. A rather toxic one in fact. You will also start looking back on Primary school and realise some things that you were oblivious to at the time. However, secondary school still has problems- there is still plenty of hate there. But, College will be a lot easier.


Signed, someone who would never give you this letter because-

A) When I was ten I didn't like fortune tellers, and would most likely ignore this message.

B) Time travel isn't possible.

and

C) Sending this letter would create a paradox.

But...hopefully someone found this letter to be useful?

 

Dear younger me, don't crush on straight girls. And boost up that confidence! Ain't nobody gonna judge you as badly as you think they will. Also, you aren't simply a tomboy. Much love, ~my older self

 

Dear Younger self,

I'm still trying to clean up the mess you made, you had it so good at the start of high school, but you just had to be friends with an asshole and just had to give in to the bullies and manipulation. Well I know my younger self probably wouldn't listen anyways so this is all I have to say to myself: go fuck yourself you fucking loser.

From,
Future Self

 

Dear young me,

Come out as soon as possible. Don't stay with your mom. Transition early so you can focus on school and have an education. Don't worry about love because it'll find you either way.

More like a list of instructions lol.

 

Don't be such a pest to your big bro, he is on your side
Tell him sooner that you have gay feelings
Spend more time with Grandpa

 

dear shithead dumbfuck freshman

dont stab jay, definitely quit gateway, dont talk to traynee, theres a differences between like and liking his tits and/or ass, dont bother asking anyone out, it wont work out for you anyway, change schools during your first junior year, for the love of skating, dont sell your board to kayla, and last but extremely and MOST importantly, you better learn to be a cold hearted, lying, manipulating, apathetic, step on anyone who gets between you and what you want, evil son of a bitch, because being the exact opposite is going to hurt too much for you to handle. trust me, i would know. Being nice and caring and kindhearted and all that, it got you nothing except hurt. Sure you made friends, but that hurt too. do NOT disappoint me, --thats right, I who is actually you, is disappointed in you-- for the second time. And if you do, kill yourself. Get to work, shitstain

 

1. Stick up for yourself
2. There are fake friends
3. It's okay to be alone
4. Straight guys can be jerks, be prepared.
5. Try to come out of your shell