Those who had / have sexual attraction to same sex but romantic attraction to opposit

Hi,

I know there are quite a few people who have experienced something similar to me. I don't know exactly what my sexuality is but there's a good chance that it's gay. If that turns out to be the case then I can see myself being satisfied sexually but not at all romantically/ emotionaly. I simply cannot see myself wanting to hold, cuddle or kiss a guy however I long to do all of those things with a women. The feeling of being naked holding each other is beautiful when I picture it with a women but holds no desire when I picture doing it with a man.

I'm aware that this may well change with time and specifically with experience and an effort to open up more to my homosexual side.having said that I'm interested to hear from anyone in the same position or particularly someone who did feel like this but went on to form a loving, intimate relationship with the same sex.

It puzzles me, if I'm completely gay, why would I desire such intimacy with the opposite sex? I often think that it is my instinctive desire for intimacy that drives this. As I shut off my homsexual side my brain seeks the intimacy from exavtly where society tells it it should - the opposite sex. It's a good explanation to the question of why I desire such intimacy with women but to love the feeling of passionatly kissing and/or holding each others naked bodies - I don't know- it just doesn't seem a gay thing to want. And that puzzles me because I think I probably am gay. So many of my feelings and desires are so confusing now that I don't know what's real and whatmy mind is making up / faking but that desire for intimacy with women is one of the only things I've managed to confirm for certain is genuine. Unlike my possibly made up desire for sex with them. Do gay guys out there feel the same?

I'm just talking about the emotional / relationship side here. When it comes to sex it's even more complicated. Very brief summary: very attracted to women in real life but always unable to 'raise to the occasion'. Attracted to men in porn (mostly given up for months) and sexual fantasies.

 

Re: Those who had / have sexual attraction to same sex but romantic attraction to opp

I really don't like bumping, this is the first time I've done it here but this question really really interests me so I'm desperate for some replies.

It feels like for a long time whilst questioning, the only way for me to prove to myself I'm gay is if I eliminate any single possiblilty I was straight. This is the first time I'm approaching this in a different way - lets just see if I'm gay. I met a guy and had a brief largely unenjoyable experience a couple of days ago but planning to meet with someone again soon. This has been years in the making and im finally doing so much so quickly. This question about emotion and relationships is a huge gripe with adopting a homosexual label

 

Re: Those who had / have sexual attraction to same sex but romantic attraction to opp

Thanks for all the replies guys.

Thanks for the bump 108. I find it fascinating how unique each persons sexuality is with your problems so similar and yet so different to mine.

Thank you BeingDude. Very interesting to hear from someone who is bisexual and has experience with both genders.

Yeah, I fully understand your confusion. I have actually identified and still do in fact, as bisexual. The thing is I feel that whilst I have no problem at all with my desire for the same sex if I'm given the 'choice' then I would choose to be straight and I would live a straight life. I know how powerful denial is as it took me 23 years to even start questioning. I'm scared my mind makes up attraction to women and that I am in fact gay but clinging onto the hope that I may be bisexual.

But the biggest reason.....the fact I've never really got hard while trying to have sex with women. Never. And I've tried maybe 10 times. Until the last 4 months (where I've made a lot of self improvements and started seeking relationships) all of my attempts at sex were whilst very drunk.

My first time on holiday been out and had the equivalent of around 10-12 pints throughout the night. It didn't cross my mind for a second that it wouldn't just instantly work. Whilst my head said yes my body said a resounding no. So no sex that time.

I then slipped into a few years of porn addiction not even seeking out sex or relationships with either gender. I finally became aware of the addiction started trying to give up porn as there was a lot on the internet telling me that that's why I was a young healthy guy suffering from ED.

I can and always have been able to masturbate to porn (only straight and lesbian) but would often focus on the men (or specifically just the penises) as well as the women. My gay fantasies probably offer a more consistently higher level of pleasure and satisfaction but my straight fantasies can also be hugely pleasurable and satisfying. When I masturbate without porn and just use my brains fantasies the exact same applies.

Every time I tried to have sex it didn't work. The pressure was building each time. Each time I would stupidly be even more drunk than the last probably to handle the seemingly inevitable embarrassment of not being able to get hard. This was until recently when I have actually been with a girl without completely and totally wasted. Nothing too serious as shes moving away in a few weeks but I like the girl. I mentioned I'd been doing a lot better in the last 4 months or so and that was when I had most accepted the bisexual label. I felt that was me done but then something made my mind skip back 4 months back to absolute confusion.

I was finally sober in bed naked with a girl I find attractive but my penis is still completely dead. It was a shock. I thought I'd finally worked myself out. When I thought about the sex before hand I was so excited I would get hard from just the thoughts but in real life nothing at all down there. But I guess confidence is always going to be an issue for a 25 year old man whos not managed more than a few seconds worth of penetrative sex in his life. And that's after 10 different attempts. People will say your not going to get hard if all your thinking about is getting hard and staying hard and yes that's all that I think about now when I'm with a women. Maybe I'm bisexual but just have some psychological problems. Counselling maybe? But you know another thing that stops men from getting hard with women? Being gay.

---------- Post added 15th Jul 2016 at 05:10 AM ----------

Thanks for all the replies guys.

Thanks for the bump 108. I find it fascinating how unique each persons sexuality is with your problems so similar and yet so different to mine.

Thank you BeingDude. Very interesting to hear from someone who is bisexual and has experience with both genders.

Yeah, I fully understand your confusion. I have actually identified and still do in fact, as bisexual. The thing is I feel that whilst I have no problem at all with my desire for the same sex if I'm given the 'choice' then I would choose to be straight and I would live a straight life. I know how powerful denial is as it took me 23 years to even start questioning. I'm scared my mind makes up attraction to women and that I am in fact gay but clinging onto the hope that I may be bisexual.

But the biggest reason.....the fact I've never really got hard while trying to have sex with women. Never. And I've tried maybe 10 times. Until the last 4 months (where I've made a lot of self improvements and started seeking relationships) all of my attempts at sex were whilst very drunk.

My first time on holiday been out and had the equivalent of around 10-12 pints throughout the night. It didn't cross my mind for a second that it wouldn't just instantly work. Whilst my head said yes my body said a resounding no. So no sex that time.

I then slipped into a few years of porn addiction not even seeking out sex or relationships with either gender. I finally became aware of the addiction started trying to give up porn as there was a lot on the internet telling me that that's why I was a young healthy guy suffering from ED.

I can and always have been able to masturbate to porn (only straight and lesbian) but would often focus on the men (or specifically just the penises) as well as the women. My gay fantasies probably offer a more consistently higher level of pleasure and satisfaction but my straight fantasies can also be hugely pleasurable and satisfying. When I masturbate without porn and just use my brains fantasies the exact same applies.

Every time I tried to have sex it didn't work. The pressure was building each time. Each time I would stupidly be even more drunk than the last probably to handle the seemingly inevitable embarrassment of not being able to get hard. This was until recently when I have actually been with a girl without completely and totally wasted. Nothing too serious as shes moving away in a few weeks but I like the girl. I mentioned I'd been doing a lot better in the last 4 months or so and that was when I had most accepted the bisexual label. I felt that was me done but then something made my mind skip back 4 months back to absolute confusion.

I was finally sober in bed naked with a girl I find attractive but my penis is still completely dead. It was a shock. I thought I'd finally worked myself out. When I thought about the sex before hand I was so excited I would get hard from just the thoughts but in real life nothing at all down there. But I guess confidence is always going to be an issue for a 25 year old man whos not managed more than a few seconds worth of penetrative sex in his life. And that's after 10 different attempts. People will say your not going to get hard if all your thinking about is getting hard and staying hard and yes that's all that I think about now when I'm with a women. Maybe I'm bisexual but just have some psychological problems. Counselling maybe? But you know another thing that stops men from getting hard with women? Being gay.

 

Re: Those who had / have sexual attraction to same sex but romantic attraction to opp

I think that is the conclusion I was FINALLY reaching. I've been questioning a few years and have spent the vast majority of that time considering that I might be gay but mostly trying to confirm that by making sure I wasn't straight. I.e. trying to live a straight life and if that didn't work then I must be gay.

As I tried to do that it started to feel more and more like I was truly bisexual until the last month or two where I've actually had the chance to have sex and much to my surprise my 'lower head' has disagreed with my 'upper head'.

The thing is, that made me adjust my approach and now instead of trying to test whether I'm straight I'm trying to test whether I'm gay and I tried having oral sex with a guy twice. Kissing (which I love with a girl) was a complete turn off and oral sex (which when I imagine it has always seemed amazing) did nothing for me either. It was tolerable and that's it. My lower head had even less reaction than it often does with men. Now of course, there could be a whole load of factors at work there and I guess a lot of people don't necessarily enjoy there first same sex experience but it was particularly surprising for me. I thought after so long trying to have sex with women that when I finally had sex with a man there would be a light bulb moment and I would truly know what pleasure felt like. Quite the opposite. In fact it was pretty much the same as with women. It all sounds amazing in my head but in real life - nothing. I just can't enjoy it.

Thanks for your input Chip. In terms of masturbation that's exactly what I did. Unfortunately I'm currently watching porn again (albeit far far less than it ever was when I truly had a problem) but until about a month ago I had my longest successful run of giving up porn completely. I didn't watch anything at all for 3 months or so and after a few weeks of total abstinence I masturbated weekly from my minds thoughts alone. I also alternated between men and women and found that thinking of either had a very similar level of satisfaction. It was equally as easy to become aroused and equally as satisfying afterwards. I would say however that it feels like my desire for men is more insatiable. The above tests were carried out when masturbating once weekly and there was no difference in satisfaction between men and women. If I was doing it every single day then I feel that I may be more consistently satisfied thinking of men but who knows. I don't suppose I've ever wanted to masturbate that frequently about men or women without porn.

You mentioned always being drunk during sexual encounters as being the result of dealing with some form of emotional discomfort and I think that's clear. I still think the most likely cause of the discomfort is an underlying homosexuality but there are so many other things that it could be. I was finally starting to ignore those other things but that fact that I suffered the exact same problem when I finally tried being with a man has opened up all the same questions which previously held me back from accepting being completely homosexual.