Hi, I am almost paralyzed trying to write this. Please bare with me. I am 69 years old, have not lost my passion for sex, in a monogamous marriage with my wife of 46 years. Our sexual history. Great when young, declined in my 40s (about the time I became gay curious), in recent years almost non-existent. During a forced, brief separation due to retirement and relocation I had the self discovery I am bisexual. I disclosed this to my wife about a week later. This was eight months ago. After the initial shock and disbelief we had very open discussions. While separated prior to this disclosure I felt I may be able to address my gay needs honestly by being able to openly masturbate to gay porn when needed(TMI?). My wife agreed to this, she is core monogamous, but would allow this (I have since read this is a suggested approach to gay sex needs in a mixed orientation marriage. Does anyone else have feelings about this?) This seemed to help our intimate relationship at first. Let me admit now that I am riddled with guilt about masturbating and I might add homophobia. I have a tough time telling my wife I need some alone time to do this. Initially I figured it might be a little tough, but yet today I shake and become so anxious I can hardly speak. And if I do speak it's like the air gets sucked out of the room. Now I rarely do this and our intimacy is suffering too. When my wife reacts like this, it feels to me, as if she may say she accepts me as bisexual, but really is just gritting her teeth hoping it will go away. If we are intimate I sometimes feel that although the sex can be passionate I'm looking forward to my gay release. Does being a bisexual MOM sometimes feel like a competition between your gay desires and your spousal desires? I should add my wife has stopped having expectations when we are close physically. This has really taken the pressure/stress off and allowd us to connect more, emotionally. I still have this feeling of impending doom. My wife and I both love each other and want to remain married. I would like some form of consensual non-monogamy, but I feel that may never happen. We have briefly discussed me (or better yet both of us) attending some group, but that hasn't gone any further. We are stuck without further growth or acceptance. I have read that it is important to meet others that are same-sex orientated. Is this true? I walked into the local LGBT one day and was both terrified and ashamed. How could I feel so out of place and threatened by the beautiful young people in that room. I left and haven't gone back for various reasons. Thanks for listening.
Hey Srbimom, First off, I'm so happy to hear that you finally reached a point where you could come out to your wife. I hope you feel better now than you did eight months ago. It's tricky waters being in a MOM because we have to be respectful of our wives' needs as well as our own. If your wife is truly okay with you watching porn, then you have to let that go and accept it yourself. Before coming out, I was riddled with guilt whenever I watched porn. I couldn't perform in the bedroom either because I felt like I was being dishonest with my wife. Post coming out, I've learned to accept that this is what helps me get in touch with my gay side and I do it guilt free. You're not doing anything wrong by masturbating. You're safely exploring your gay self without the complications of bringing another person into the mix against the wishes of your wife. Being able to explore this side guilt free has actually brought me CLOSER to my wife. Does this mean I share the videos I watch or tell her when I've had a solo session? No. But she's aware its part of what I do. It also helped to hear from her that she masturbates too. It normalized things. Has your wife shared as to whether or not she masturbates? If your wife says she's okay with you being bi-sexual, you should try not to second guess it. You should feel lucky that your wife is accepting and run with it... but if you have doubts, ask her. It's only when you truly believe she is accepting that you can feel more at ease. As for other ways to check in with your gay side by having gay friends and opening up the marriage... I continue to ask those questions myself as I have not yet pursued those avenues. But I think everyone here on EC will say that having gay friends is invaluable.
Hi Srbimom! Welcome to EC, this is a great, safe place to discuss, relate, learn, etc. I identify with a lot of elements of your post. I'll offer some thoughts, and hopefully others will as well. I am bisexual, married, and monogamous, too. There are lots of us out there, probably more than anyone would imagine. I have been married 15 years (I'm 48), and my wife has known I'm bi for a while. She is supportive. Right now, I'm in the process of coming out and getting involved in my local LGBT Center activities. My wife's main concern, above all, is that I still love her and remain monogamous with her. I feel the same way. This is something that can vary a lot for bisexual people - for some, polyamory or other relationships are better. But I'm happy being monogamous, and my wife has made it very clear that it is super important to her, as well. You have been married for quite a while (congratulations, btw!) and are retired. I think the primary worry on your wife's part is the potential that you might leave her. Definitely let her know how much you love her and that is not any part of your intention. Okay, a couple of thoughts on your questions. Masturbation is a difficult subject for a lot of people to talk about, but it is 100% normal and okay. It can be a very healthy thing. Fun, too... LOL. I do it, probably more than I should admit. I get off on women, men, straight sex fantasy, gay sex fantasy, bi fantasy, you name it. Further confirmation that I'm bi, I guess... LOL. I think masturbation, and fantasy in general, is good, you just don't want it to interfere with intimacy with your wife in real life. Don't let the masturbation sap you so you won't be ready when your wife wants intimacy. As long as you can balance both, go for it. I think it has some real benefits physically, too. You want to make her really happy, too. Pay attention, be affectionate, do what she likes sexually. My wife likes receiving oral best, it's the way she gets off best, so I do that a lot. Which is great, I like that too. Whatever she likes, do plenty of that. My wife knows that I like some bi roleplay sometimes, so every once in a while, she will put on a strap-on and rock my world. LOL. Apologies if TMI. Sorry for the long post, I should wrap this up. Just know that you aren't alone. And masturbation and fantasy are okay. Exploring partners outside of the marriage is an area I don't have experience with and would seem like taking it to the next level, at least to me. It's an area that a few others here on EC have better experience than me with, so perhaps they can help out if that is a goal for you. One other thought... I don't know if you are interested in being out, fully or to some. Your experience is valuable, your identity is important. Coming out is a personal decision, and you will want to consult your wife for her concerns too, but you could have a lot to offer from your experience as a bi man in a successful long-term marriage. Just a thought. Sorry for the long reply. Keep posting here, it's a great place!
Hi Srbimom Great advice and comments from Adray and Herewego. I have been married 30 years plus and just came out to my wife as a bisexual. To my surprise, she is, actually, happy about it. For some reason, she just thinks it adds to our marriage. We joke a tease, constantly, about my gay side. I bring my gay fantasies to bed (verbal). She is not into acting out any of them and I don't want that from her. I'm not sure I am the best to answer the question of masturbating to porn. I don't like porn all that well so while I have no problem with masturbation, porn always makes me feel dirty. I always felt sorry for women in straight porn...I found it so demeaning. So, your reaction to porn may not have anything to do with your problems accepting your sexuality. While I knew I was bi since my early twenties, it was only coming out to my wife that made me really feel good about it. Bisexuality is not a curse. You may want to get into some counseling to learn to accept your sexuality. Your wife may come around a bit more when you indicate that this is who you are and it makes you happy. This is what my wife sees. My wife has encouraged me to meet gay and bi men. She attended Pride with me. She also suggested I put a platonic ad on a hookup site. I did this about 2 weeks ago and have met or chatted with a half dozen guys and I live in a small town. The other night I spent a great evening just talking one on one with one of these guys. I cannot tell you how great this is to have another person to engage that "gets it". As far as sexual partners outside of marriage. That's a tough one. My wife is allowing some "play" for me but we have not really determined what that is yet. But, as Adray mentioned, my most important task is being sure my wife is fulfilled in our marriage. I hope you continue to post here as you work through this time in your life. It can be fun too!
Thanks guys. I can't believe how much better I feel, having people to talk with that understand what it's like to discover your orientation isn't what you OR your spouse thought it was. As difficult as this discovery and coming out is, when I ask myself if I would rather not be bisexual, I have to answer, no. It feels right to have these sexual feelings for men AND women. Other times I don't feel gay at all. Is that strange? HereWeGo: First of all I must thank you for an earlier post you made, as you navigated your way through your initial discovery. This was part of what motivated me to post here. Good point about not second guessing my wife's acceptance. I'll work on this. I'm my biggest obstacle I guess I appreciate your perspective on masturbating. When I was about 11 or 12 my parents found out I had been experimenting with an older boy who showed me how to masturbate. This experimenting left me with the most erotic memories I have. When my parents found out it also became my most shameful memory. I was raised Catholic so it got thrown on the guilt pile. I'm adjusting my approach with my wife with regard to my gay time. I understand what you mean. Although I felt I was being upfront and honest, I see where it may have seemed to her I was rubbing her nose in it. My wife has shared with me that she has masturbated, even once over the phone with me when we were separated ( I was so weak I couldn't hardly stand afterwardis). But she is quick to point out she seldom does since all her sexual desire is for me.....?? Array: It's really beautiful that your wife is so supportive. It must feel wonderful to be so open and accepted, and now working on your community. I wish my wife could understand how important her acceptance of my gay side is to me. With it, I think monogamy would be much easier. Thanks for your kind words about masturbating. I'm working on finding that balance. Generally I am affectionate with my wife. I have had some periods, when I feel strong same sex desire, I become a bit depressed, and my wife says I "pull away from her". I believe this is due to the lack of balance. I'm going to try adjusting my approach to taking my gay time so that it doesn't seem so confrontational, as discussed above. Haven't had a lot of experience with toys yet. I think the strap-on sounds kind of interesting. Thanks for your encouragement. NickW: Congrats on your long marriage. There are still couples out there that take comment seriously. Amazing lady, your wife. I know my wife loves me, but I long for the day she can relax and accept this part of me. Thanks for your perspective on masturbating and porn. I don't always use porn, however it helps me get in touch with my gay. Due to the guilt issues I have had with taking my alone time I have felt rushed so the porn has helped. These words ..."This is who you are and it makes you happy"... are words I would like so much to live by. Thanks NickW. Meeting others with same sex attraction is a goal I hope to reach also. Thanks all
Sribimom Thanks for continuing to post. It is invaluable for us to hear from others in similar situations. Your wife will come around as it sounds like you do have a great relationship and want to stay married. I have been a fun loving and open guy for most of my married life. So, when I went through a rough patch for a couple years my relationship with my wife started to suffer. So, I think part of the reason she has been so accepting is that the old me came back when I came out. And, I have gay siblings so that helps. The other day a beautiful young man waited on us at a gay friendly bar. He saw my pride bracelet and began flirting. My wife was enthralled by the interchange. She mentioned how our eyes were "dancing". While not rubbing my wife's face in my gayness, I am not hiding it. I refuse to be ashamed and I think that really helps in continuing to build her acceptance. I show her the clean and beautiful parts of my gay...not just the sexual side. The other thing I have done is to label myself gay to her and not bi. This, too, makes it, for us at least, an orientation...not a choice. All of this is a mutual decision...I didn't assume anything...I asked. Open communication is the most important thing. Finding time to be gay is important. I think you need to prioritize it. It doesn't have to mean that you are giving your wife less of you. If you are more fulfilled the quality of what you provide your wife...intimacy and day to day stuff both...can be increased. I sometimes wonder in awe at myself these days about how much better a husband I have become since being more open. Best of luck
I took some gay time yesterday. My wife was aware of it. I was greeted with stone silence afterwards. A little later I tried to approach her and tell her I loved her.She said she used to think so. A little better today. Until next time... I tired approaching this without shame. I am feeling very gay today..
Ugh.. sorry it was one of those days for you, Srbimom... they won't all be like that. Your wife just needs some time to accept her new reality as well as yours. Keep the faith. You and your wife will have some better days ahead.
Hey Sribimom Continue to be the best husband you can be and show her that your gay time is making you a better person and a better human.
Things have mellowed a bit, since my last post. We are raising our grandson, he's 12. We decided to take time for our selves this week and stayed downtown for a couple of nights. There has been much more intimacy this week... Honeymoon's over. Second night things have begun to cool. I have tried to be attentive and upbeat, holding hands, touching her, telling her I love her, but things are in a slow decline. I asked her what was wrong, she finally said we haven't had sex since we got downtown...I pointed out that we did, just not intercourse...I can't perform as often as she wants... At times I can feel very passionate about sex with my wife. Other times I don't want to at all. But I feel passionate about gay sex almost ALL the time. Adolescent lust? Back home now. All I can think about is penis. Took some gay time this morning after my walk. I think I feel a little better. My wife is still in a mood. Says she didn't sleep (my snoring?) This doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.
Hey You need to give this some more time. Your wife may be still trying to accept this part of you. My wife and I just recently decided I can fool around with guys and she is O.K. with it. But, I am finding that she wants more sex between us now that we have made this decision. I think part of it is that she wants to be reassured that I am still attracted to her as I have started looking for men too. I'm not complaining. But, I will admit that it is a little more hard to switch back and forth than I thought it would be. In my case, my wife's needs come first so I am happy to accommodate and put the gay off. I think it is about balance and it is also a learning experience. I have been spending a fair amount of time making gay friends. These, mostly, platonic interchanges have really helped me to stay connected to my gay parts of my sexuality. In some ways it reduces the time I spend obsessing about men and I am able to be a better husband. There is no instruction manual for this. Just keep communicating even when it feels you are rehashing the same issues.
More of the same... used some of NickW suggestions.. Best husband I could be.. I thought we were making progress until my next "gay time" ....Same reaction as always... BTW much more comfortable with masturbation.. as a matter of fact I am beginning to feel I have placed my orientation a little low on the scale... Very strange.. ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2016 at 12:27 PM ---------- Going to the grocery store this morning my wife asked me '..if we separated would you stay in Vegas... I think she is exaggerating but this is how pissed she is for trying to explore my gay side... BTW she told me not to use the word GAY for describing my feelings...
Hey Hang in there. Don't expect this to work right away and there will be set backs. Society hasn't trained us for this! As far as the importance of your sexuality while masturbating or fantasizing. Same for me...I think about my orientation less and just try and recognize what I am feeling.
For my wife, the term we use is bisexual. Besides the fact that it's my actual orientation, it's a lot less threatening to her than "gay." Gay connotates same-sex only, and I definitely dig ladies a lot, especially my wife. So, we don't use the term gay at all. Just bi. Your wife might be feeling similarly. The other thing I'd suggest, if it's something you two like (you don't have to answer that) , is go down on her. A lot. Give her good orgasms. It helps a lot. Sorry for any typos, on my phone in a club before show.
