Dealing with a lot of complex feelings Take Two

Trying this again as I messed up the posting earlier.

So this might end up being a bit of a ramble.

For the past several years, I'd considered myself genderfluid and been okay with that. It wasn't something I gave a lot of thought, it just was. I wasn't picky about pronouns, I spent very little time as a guy, but there was some. Most time was agender or female, or... that's what I told myself.

I also have a genetic disorder that causes a lot of pain, and I noticed that the days I was feeling the most male were also my worst pain days. I assumed that it was due to me trying to instinctively protect myself from the pain and didn't give it much more thought.

One day, though, I was talking with my gf about her dysphoria and something in me just shattered, a wall breaking apart. Suddenly, all of these very intense male feelings hit me and they didn't go away. At first, I was very very lost and hurt. I tried to cling to what I would later realize was an illusion of being mostly female. It was a safe space to run to, the less complicated road. But as things started to fall into place, I realized more and more that it was just an illusion, carefully crafted. And I realized that the reason the pain I'd been feeling was worse on male days was actually very repressed dysphoria.

As this happened, pronouns mattered suddenly. Being addressed as he and him filled me with euphoria. The thought of "going back" to "being a girl" became a thing I didn't want at all. But I've never done change well. It scares me. And with everything else going on, I was very scared. After a very very hard night where I called a help line several times and didn't get through, I dove back into my safe zone, tried again to be female. It lasted maybe a few hours.

Slowly, I began to realize that reacting out of fear was doing me no good, that I needed to accept who I was and take steps away from a sanctuary of fear. To do this, I had to realize and accept that I am a man, that I still like some "girly" stuff like pretty clothes (though I intend to learn to sew to make beautiful men's clothes in plus sizes just because I cannot handle the blandness that I see in most men's fashion), and I had to have one last realization.

For years, I'd been reaching out for outside validation for practically everything in my life. I was raised by a narcissistic father who demanded perfection in everything from how I cleaned my room to my weight to my grades and degraded me when I wasn't perfect. I came to need the praise of being right and fear the consequences of being wrong. Combined with the underlying repressed dysphoria, I felt like I was nothing more but a mirror, existing to please others and longing for validation. I denied it for a long time but realizing it helped me, because it made me want to take steps to find a way to be that was as more than a mirror.

But somehow, knowing that I am a guy and being the person I want to be as that guy is helping with that. I no longer feel hemmed in by the expectations of others. I still need validation and I know this is going to be a long road, but something about finally finding out who I am is really really helping.

I finally feel at home with myself and in love with myself. I've never loved myself like this before. I'm finally becoming the person I want to be, need to be. Unfortunately, I also still feel very frightened. I don't know how this is going to change my life. Due to my medical issues, I may never be able to start T, let alone have surgery. I'm mostly okay with this, though I do definitely want to get a binder and change my wardrobe up. (I've already bought a couple new shirts.)

But I worry. I worry a lot and I am scared of so much right now and I guess I just needed to ramble. Does anyone have any advice or kind words? I could really use them.

 

Thank you so much for responding and for the kind words!

I do see this definitely helping me. And looking back, I see so much of my past that now makes sense. It's sort of amazing, watching all the puzzle pieces suddenly just fall into place after being scattered for so long. For the longest time, I've had the feeling that there was something really missing in my life, and I had no idea that the something was finding out who I really am. I'm taking a great deal of strength from this, though there are still bad times, especially late at night, where I have doubts. But those times are getting fewer and further between.

I've spent this afternoon with memories of my past flooding back into the light, all the little hints and clues that I didn't understand, that I thought had just made me an outcast, all coalescing into something real and whole. It's been a beautiful and, in some moments, sad experience. But it all just finally feels right.

All this said. I've had some hard moments. And I know there are more to come. But what you said about helping others made me really smile and I hope that I really can, whether through clothes or whatever. At the moment I have a long way to go to start designing clothes, but it is certainly a goal. And in the meantime, I have my jewelry and art I can work through.