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Who has kids? Priorities?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LoveInSpace, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. LoveInSpace

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    Who in here has kids?

    I have three. The oldest is four.

    I have known that I am gay for a long time and been out to my husband who didn't seem to think it mattered. Long story. Anyway.

    Skipping the details, trying to be straight is not going to work.

    I must mention that there are serious problems in the marriage aside from my sexuality. So it probably wouldn't be a love fest anyway. But it is a good functional relationship that serves our kids well.

    I feel ridiculously immature even considering separating and throwing away the financial security that comes with traditional marriage.

    I am being a terrible parent! Also I can't live as a fake straight person anymore

    I just want to be a decent adult human! I just want to do the right thing
     
  2. caliwoman

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    You are a decent human being. Your are a very loving person because you want to do the right thing, by everyone. Life, sadly, isn't always like that. You can't please everyone.

    You are not selfish for being who you are and having needs. If your home isn't happy, your kids would not be happy. I'm not a parent, I'm sure other parents on here could articulate a better response to assuage you on that topic.

    My heart goes out to you. Hugs!
     
  3. Althidon

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    Staying in a loveless marriage isn't great for your kids. You say it's a "functional" relationship, but if you aren't attracted to your husband, your kids are going to see that. You're their model for what a relationship should look like, and it's not a great model if you don't actually want to be with your husband.

    I say this because my parents did a similar thing. My dad told me years later that he was hesitant to get married in the first place and then wanted to leave early on, but the religion he followed at the time didn't approve of divorce. Then my mom had two kids in three years, and he stuck around for us. By the time I was old enough to remember anything, their relationship was terminally broken. I never saw them kiss or be affectionate. They never actually fought, though. And then one day (suddenly to me), my Dad moved into the guest room and eventually out of the house. All I saw was two people who got along and were (as far I knew) in love, who suddenly weren't in love anymore. It made it very hard for me to commit to a marriage later, because I was under the impression that one day it could all just stop. Plus, I had no concept of how much affection was normal between romantic partners.

    Kids are sensitive to this stuff.
     
  4. bi2me

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    I've got 2 kids (4 and 8), and I am essentially out to them, without them actually knowing anything about it. By that, I mean that we talk queer relationships all the time. Anytime marriage comes up, we discuss that it could be a boy, a girl, you could love both, or neither. You can choose to get married or not, and you can choose to have children or not. I'm still working non-binary and trans* folks into the conversation as appropriate, but my 4 year old is so concrete that the idea of a girl not being a girl just doesn't compute right now!

    It sounds like sexuality is just one of several marital frustrations. Have you sought counseling? An open relationship? What else can you work on to make it better if you aren't interested in/willing to pursue a divorce?
     
  5. RosePetals76

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    I have 3 of my own and 3 fosters. I didn't divorce over my sexuality, but over it being a loveless marriage. I'd thought about staying, and then thought that I wouldn't want my kids miserable if they were in a loveless marriage. So, I left. We have great functional divorce and our kids are seen by both of us almost every day. (They live with me, though.) Divorces sometimes are the best, least selfish option. It might not feel like it at first, and trust me, my kids were pissed to start with. Now they have a happier mom, a happier dad, a good step mom, and extra grandparents, so they are quite happy and well adjusted. Plus, I got to come out and really be myself, which I hope encourages them to live up to being themselves, too.
     
  6. Jjanon

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    I have three kids as well, and I am feeling similar thoughts about what my future holds and what it will mean to my kids. But something that RosePetals said on another post really spoke to me (thank you for that RosePetals, I know it was meant for someone else but I found it incredibly insightful and meaningful to me) and I feel like sharing it here might help.

    "I always ask myself "What would I want my kid to do if they were in this situation?" So, would you want your kid to be true to themself or to stay where they are unhappy? They will follow in the footsteps that are modeled for them."

    Im a firm believer that if we are asking ourselves these questions trying to figure out how to "do the right thing" for our kids, we can't be bad parents. The only thing anyone can ask is that we try to do the right thing. Will we mess up at some point? Sure. But if our heart is in the right place who can condem us? Lots of love.
     
  7. dirtyshirt84

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    I understand how hard it is. I feel like I have the ability to be a much better parent when I am happy. My own parents really just stayed together latterly for me and my sister. My Dad had an affair for years but they didn't split up until we were adults. They had a terrible relationship, when they finally split up it was a relief. I wish they had split up years before they did as they are now both so much happier.

    I'm in a similar situation in that I'm having some problems in my relationship and I'm also Bi and can't imagine never being with a woman again. I think Rose Petals really hits the nail on the head when she says 'what would I want my kid to do in the same situation?'. I know I would never want my son to feel like he had to stay in an unhappy relationship where he wasn't being true to himself.

    I know practically it is difficult, especially financially. Kids are resilient though and adaptable. There is a time I would never have spoken to my Dad again but I have a good relationship with him now. I will say, it's surprising how quickly things become normal.
     
    #7 dirtyshirt84, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  8. baristajedi

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    This is so right on, i totally agree with you Jjanon.

    Loveinspace, I have a daughter as well, and I feel a lot of what you're feeling. But what Jjanon/Rosepetals say here is such a good way to think about all of these questions.
     
  9. n3ko

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    I don't have children but my parents divorced when I was a child and I am honestly thankful they did. there is no more security in a marriage which isn't working than there is taking care of children as a single parent.
     
  10. RosePetals76

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    Agreed. I think that's part of where my stance came from in me getting divorced. I wouldn't have wanted my parents to stay together. Especially since I ended up with an amazing step dad. And now my parents have one amazing step mom, and hopefully some day I'll get to give them another. :slight_smile:
     
  11. n3ko

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    for my parents it was never amicable. but I am glad it turns out that way for others! and if it wouldn't be amicable apart then it isn't amicable together.surely.
     
  12. RosePetals76

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    Oh, my parents weren't amicable, either. And I refuse to even speak with my father these days. But my divorce is amicable these days, and works well for the kids.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 09:45 AM ----------

    Oh, I see the error in the post, my parents don't have an amazing step mom, my KIDS do.
     
  13. prettypixie

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    I have three kids. They are 11, 10 and 8.
    I have always told them love is love and they can love whoever they want. My best male friend is gay and they love him. They know mom's friend likes other men and that's okay.
    They do not know about my bisexuality yet. I just came out to my husband last night. I will tell them when I feel it is okay to. My husband is fine..he just has questions.
     
    #13 prettypixie, Jul 21, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2016
  14. PrivateLeigh

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    I'm married with 2 children aged 12 and 17. I recently tried to talk to my husband about my feelings towards women and it seriously hit the fan.
    We're as you are, in a marriage to give our children stability. This has nothing to do with my recent discoveries regarding my sexuality though. We used to have a very loving marriage, but we've had some downs over the years, including my husband having an affair, and now we're basically just friends. He'd like things to go back the way they were, but that's no longer possible for me. I'm now at the stage of considering a separation. I don't want to hurt my husband or my children, but I feel that it's time to call it a day, so that we can all move on and be happy. Someone wrote here that it harms your children by staying in a loveless and unhappy marriage and I think they're right. My parents were happily married, still are! And showed each other and their children love and affection. I experienced a very happy, loving and stable childhood home. We show our children love and affection, but we don't show any to each other anymore and that can't be good for our children to see.
    Financial worries are another matter! If we split I'm in for a rough ride, I've no doubt about that. But, I wasn't always married. I took good care of myself without anyone's help before I met my husband and I can do it again...with my wonderful children beside me this time.
    You sometimes just have to pick yourself up out of your comfortable rut and dive into life.
    I'm ready for a dive!
    I hope everything works out for you xxx
     
  15. makemehappy

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    Hi loveinspace and everyone.
    I have 3 kids, 2 older teens and a 11 yr old.
    My partner a d me have been together for 30(yes30) years. We have had problems over the past few and what you say resonates with me.I think I am bi.
    I hope you find a way to express yourself and be happy withn or out of your relationship. It is sooo hard thinkng about the future, if you have a big decisonto make that affects your family.
    Hugs to you no matter what you decide to do.(*hug*)
     
  16. looking for me

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    my priority has always been my kid. however I thought that meant staying in a difficult marriage. I have since learned that me getting him and me on our own was the best thing I could have done for us both. they know when there's tension in the house, and if there is physical or verbal/emotional abuse they are affected, trust me on this. you plot your own path but for me this was the best.(*hug*)
     
  17. kypso

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    Hello there
    I have two children - twins. 18 months old.
    I have been out as bisexual to my husband for about a year.
    I know that I am gay. He does not.
    I cannot bring myself to change what we have or ruin it for our children.
    However, I cannot imagine looking back at the end of my life and being entirely happy. Something will have been missing. I am not being true to myself and I think it is starting to show. I don't know what I will do yet, but I think you and I both know that some things are very important. I want to show my kids it is ok to be yourself and it is ok to be gay. I feel like such a hypocrite.
    Your happiness matters. For your sake and your kids and ultimately your other half.
    I hope you find peace and a solution. You are not alone friend.
     
  18. Eab91

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    I have a three year old, and I am just leaving a heterosexual marriage, because I am now realizing that I only like women. I am still trying to figure out the whole moving out and separating situation... I barely come out to my husband today.