Here are the things I am scared of. Please tell me it will be okay.

Are you co-dependent in anyway? Your needs are important and you're not selfish for having them. You love your children, but that hasn't a thing to do with you and your needs.

I do understand about the chasing an imaginary reality. Totally get that.

 

Here's how I feel about it whenever it comes to my kids.... I always ask myself "What I want my kid to do if they were in the situation?" So, would you want your kid to be true to themself or to stay where they are unhappy? They will follow in the footsteps that are modeled for them. Also, is your home not already broken? If you aren't happy, fulfilling yourself and your own needs, isn't that already the definition of a broken home? If you aren't good enough for anyone, how did you end up married in the first place?

I'm sure taking a different angle on some of these things might give you a completely different view. You are good enough you can get where you want to, it just might be a long road. Don't be afraid to let your kids see you work for what you want, it will just make them realize that's what they should do, too.

 

(((hugs)))

It sounds like you feel stuck. I can relate! Can you think of any incremental changes that have happened in the last 4 years? Are you out to your husband?

 

First of all: Let's kill off the idea that "social construct = not real". Something being socially constructed tells us how it came into being and is maintained, not that it isn't real. All identity is socially constructed because it is in interactions with other people that we construct our Identities. What that also means, is that we can mold our identities by learning from other people who have done so.

Sexual identity is not the same as sexual orientation. In fact, as many EC users can attest, they are often at odds, and that is precisely because sexual identity is socially constructed, while your orientation is biologically deter, as is shown by ever increasing amounts of scientific evidence. We may believe that we are heterosexual because that is what we gather we "should" be from our parents, peers, etc. This is called heteronormativity.

Your identity as heterosexual is real to you and those who share the belief that you are heterosexual. However, if your orientation is homosexual to some extent or exclusively, nothing can change that. Not you, not your mother, not your husband, not your kids. If the two: orientation and identity are at odds, you are ultimately fighting yourself. You are your own enemy on this point for as long as you keep it up. Being your own enemy is also evident in your list of worries.

Good job for making that list, by the way!

The good news is you're questioning your identity. You are scared of rattling the cage, like so many before you, all of us here included. The fear that you describe is part of the socially constructed identity that you have accepted and help maintain.

Here is the key to change: you are not who others say you are. You are not even who you say you are. You are who you are and it is your task to find out who that is.

And finding out is an adventure. I'm not going to tell you that it's going to be painless. I am going to say though, that it is worth every second of that pain. The freedom to be who you truly are is worth it.

I would suggest that you begin with investigating how to practice self-compassion. Not self-pity - that is often what will keep you chained to fear - but self-compassion. It will give you the courage you need to face your fears because there is something more important than your fears: the truth of who you are, and the worthiness of that truth to be realized, no matter whose ideas of you it challenges.

 

You are good and good enough. Ypu are not selfish for wanting to just be yourself. If your mom hates you, then she is a bad mother who doesnt deserve you, unlike you, who is caring for and wanting to protect your kids. You're a good person. You are going to be ok.

 

It is scary, I'm in a straight marriage too and have had all the same thoughts. One thing I was very hung up on was the idea that divorce is a bad thing. When two parents are in a loveless marriage their kids see that, and it isn't good for them. You're their role model, what are you showing them? That it's ok to settle into an unhappy life? You have the ability to change that.

Take baby steps, don't try to change all at once. Coming here is a good first step but you need to take steps in real life. For me, I sought out a lesbian therapist, she was able to give me guidance that I couldn't get anywhere else. It was helpful to talk to someone who truly understands. I've started to meet people in the LGBT community and it feels good! As mothers I think we forget that we need social lives outside of our families. And when we come home we're better mothers because of it. If you can find ways to connect to other lesbians you'll start to feel better. I'm still scared but not nearly as scared as I was... I'm also a lot happier. Things only stay bad when you don't take steps to change your situation.

 

Plaid, you're droppin' that knowledge, ain't ya!!

 

First of all, what is right, exactly. Isn't right just plain being loving and kind? I'm sure you're both of those.

Second, a fish can try as hard as he wants to fly, but being a fish, he will always fail. Yet, if he puts in his best efforts in swimming, he'll succeed like crazy.

You're a lesbian, you can try to be otherwise, but you'll only truly succeed at being a lesbian.

 

OK - duh on me! I seriously never thought about this, but it totally explains my relationship/marriage from age 18-35... I was "bi curious" (in the 90s!) in high school; my boyfriend (now husband) asked for monogamy which I willingly gave, because it seemed like the next logical step; fell into straight seeming life for a LONG time; got triggered; came out (a bit). This makes so much sense!