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Explaining the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bi2me, Jul 6, 2016.

  1. bi2me

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    How do you explain what it's like to be in the closet? I'm partially in the closet, although more outspoken every day, and my husband doesn't really get it. I tried talking about how it feels if you are the only Jewish person in a room (we both are) and think of a super funny Jewishly related quip but can't share it. It's a tiny bit analogous, but not great.

    I'm out to my closest friends. Not out to the friends who have kids my kids play with yet or my parents/family, mostly bc I really don't want to be the center of gossip or have to answer a million questions. I'm getting closer to just telling everyone and dealing with it, but our community is so interrelated that if I tell friends it's likely to get back to my parents. I don't think they'd really care, but it's more of a "none of your business" type issue. I've already decided that I will come out completely if something happens in my current relationship that means I might be openly dating women (long before dating if possible). Or if one of our kids is queer, I'd make sure they know and probably tell everyone then too. Right now just focused on raising them to know that Queer isn't queer in our house.

    That said, I feel stuck. I know my reasons are at least mostly reasonable, but I went to see Hillary and Elizabeth last week (didn't get in) and really wanted to buy the LGBT for Hillary pin, but I was with my mom, and frankly couldn't ever wear it, really.

    My husband is supportive of me being out selectively, but would also like to avoid questions and scrutiny from our parents.

    Any suggestions? Or empathy? :help:
     
  2. Really

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    I like the Jewish joke idea but I wonder if it isn't more analogous to being a foreign language speaker. Where communication is actually stunted.

    You may be able to speak Straight fluently like a native and nobody would ever guess it was anything other than your first language but you can't ever express yourself fully with all the nuances of your LGBT mother tongue except with other native LGBT speakers.
     
  3. bi2me

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    Really, as always, you have hit the nail on the head :slight_smile:

    It's funny, I'm so much more myself (flirty, opinionated, probably more fun) when I'm with people I'm fully out to. I used to think that it was because they were (mostly) people I'd know pretty much forever. Then, a few weeks ago, I was on a girls weekend, and my friend I was out to convinced me to come out to her other friend (who she knew was bi), and I realized that in the course of the conversation, I had relaxed in a way I really don't when I'm not out to people. The conversation doesn't even have to be about sexuality, (although I'm pretty quick with the double entendre - I add sex to every conversation if I'm out to people) but I think I let my guard down more fully when I don't have to worry about slipping up.
     
  4. Adray

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    I like the language analogy, too. I read the first post earlier today and was thinking about it until now, and I couldn't come up with a good parallel.

    I'm in a similar situation, bi2me. I'm out locally to close friends, but not at all to family. I think I will be someday, and I have considered just getting it all done with once and for all with a FB post, but yeah, the family (and work) are my final frontiers for coming out. So lots of empathy from me.(*hug*)
     
  5. Nickw

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    I can relate. My wife does not want me out to her family and limited to mine. Some friends are O.K. that is sort of up to me. We did wear pride t-shirts to a family gathering. But, I have gay siblings so that was seen as support.

    I grew up as a Democrat in a small mid-western town. So, I wear the closet well.

    My wife is unconcerned with me running around with gay guys and being a part of a gay community (if I could find one here). It is more about making the announcement "I am bi" and having to explain what that means...as if I could!
     
  6. dirtyshirt84

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    I can definitely relate Bi2Me and also have plenty of empathy! My husband has always known I'm Bi and that I previously had a relationship with a woman and he has always been supportive but I think he feels threatened now that I want to be more 'out' and open about it. To be fair, I understand why he feels threatened as he knows I miss being with a woman and we are working at how we can incorporate that into our marriage.

    I think he partly doesn't understand why it is so important to me. I say sometimes I feel like I'm outright lying or at least lying by omission when I don't add things to the conversation that I could whether about women I find attractive, something about my ex-girlfriend or about LGBT issues and how they affect me personally. He says he doesn't think its lying and its none of anyone's business. I guess it is none of anyone's business but I have come to realise how miserable being in the closet was making me and how I felt like I had some terrible secret that I shouldn't tell anyone. With friends/family/colleagues that know I feel like I'm so much more relaxed and a better version of myself if that makes sense. More me, more funny and I don't feel like I'm hiding anything.
     
  7. bi2me

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    This is it exactly. I can't explain why just having said the words, "I'm bi" can totally change the way I relate to someone, except that I think I'm less afraid I'll "slip up," even when I don't care if the person knows. My go-to right now for people I'm not officially out to, but kind of want to be, is to find a place to mention that a woman is "hot." That's pretty much code for sexual attraction, so anyone in the know, should know...
     
  8. Nickw

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    So. I came out to two guys today as a bisexual. Granted, I met them both on a hookup site. But, the meetings were platonic and one will stay that way. The other...well...

    Anyway, it felt so good to just naturally say the words in a conversation. To discuss the cute waiter and know what the other guy felt. It is a great feeling to be a little out of the closet.
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    While you're out to your husband and close friends, you are still effectively in the closet (though the door is open) because you are afraid of what others will think or say if they discover your secret. Your secret still controls you and defines the walls of your closet. Once you stop caring about what others think, you will be free to be who you are and won't have to censor yourself because you are afraid of it getting back to your parents/family. Once you come out you'll stop censoring yourself, and you'll be able to let everyone get to know the real you (*hug*)
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  10. brainwashed

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    I can relate to gossip and million questions. This is a form of still being in the closet.

    I see this as an inhibitor. You care what they think so to me this means you are still in the closet.

    I seek answers through knowledge. I book that may help is:
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_at_Dawn

    The book presents a theory that we are all sexual animals, evolved that way, and to some degree are still behaving that way even today. Warning: first half of book kind of boring, second half, wonderful.
     
  11. Nickw

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    I really think the closet is different for married bisexuals. I know that the thing my wife is most concerned about is family members and friends speculating about our relationship and sex lives. That there must be something wrong, or our relationship somehow has less value because I am into guys too.

    That our friends may pity my wife because of my sexuality drives her whacky. She tells me she still feels I am the best husband of anyone she knows and that includes my sexuality in the mix.

    In my case, I need to not only consider myself, but my wife too. She is, figuratively, in the closet with me and being out is a mutual decision. I don't think this is that bad. Sure, it is freeing to be able to be out to the right people; but does it need to be everyone to be authentic and live our lives the way we are most comfortable? Doesn't authenticity sometimes include consideration of our loved ones?
     
    #11 Nickw, Jul 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2016
  12. bi2me

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    This is so true. It is a mutual decision to a large degree, since we aren't splitting up. He doesn't seem to mind at all when I'm out to friends who either wouldn't question or wouldn't care about changes in our sex life. He totally gets that I need people I can talk to and be totally myself with.

    Mostly I'm kicking myself that I thought being happily monogamous from 18 on would make all of these feelings go away or be satisfied or be ok. If I would have come out to my parents way back when, none of this would be an issue, even if the feelings did hibernate for a long time.
     
  13. Nickw

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    If you were like me back then you would have been so in love that nothing else mattered. I don't regret it at all anymore. That commitment allowed me
    To build the relationship I have now.

    At this stage of life I am discovering some new things about myself. I consider this a gift now. You will get there someday too.
     
  14. stretching

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    I am so uncomfortable to truely come out to my husband. And it's not because I think he would react poorly because he is very open minded and caring. But I think it's because I feel like I have been unauthentic for so long and it seems like it gets harder and harder to stay in the closet but also harder and harder to 'come clean' from this fake part of my life :frowning2:

    Sigh.
     
  15. Nickw

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    I felt the same way. That it would not be so much that I was bi, but that I had kept it from my wife and that she would see me living a "lie" to her.

    My wife was understanding of how things start. For me as a kid...I just got used to hiding it. I think most people understand this and will not see it as not being authentic...just living the way you thought you should. Now, you just know that you need to be out some. People grow...that's good!