When I like a woman, I feel the need to runaway. How do I stop that?

I've been heartbroken by one guy before. My first boyfriend.

I've been heartbroken by ALL three of the women I've cared for in that emotionally intense way. I can't imagine how hurt I woulda been had those friendships actually been physical. They devastate and destroy me even though they are just emotional and I feel emotionally connected to the women.

My default mode, when I begin get close to a woman, is a feeling of a need to stave her off and eventually, run away screaming in the opposite direction.

I'm not fond of the part when I look forward to hearing from someone else. I hate knowing that I'm waiting and looking forward to a message from them. Im comfortable with the people I have in my life and I'm not used to anyone new.

The emotional exchange scares me. What if I grow close to the woman? I become very anxious once this begins. I want out. I want to run. I am scared out of my mind.

There are two reasons I can think of as to why I get this way:

1. Chicks have always broken my heart and those were just emotionally intense friendships.
2. When it comes to women and my attachment to them, if I become close, I suddenly turn into a needy, insecure, jealous teenager. I don't even know where that comes from?! And I don't like it.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to run to protect myself. I'd like to stick around and see what happens when I don't turn into that needy, jealous, insecure teenager I so frequently have morphed into when it comes to the ladies.

I'm talking to a woman now and I actually kinda like her. And with that, comes looking forward to her emails and texts. And that right there, where I catch myself waiting- even though I don't mean to do it- really sucks and prompts those fearful feelings and the need to run.

Does anyone else have an idea of what I'm talking about? I can't run every time I feel I really like someone. I think with my husband, I chose the "safe guy" because men just don't hurt me the same way.

 

Thanks everyone.

I met a woman online and we get along very well. We had a bit of a disagreement and now she's acting distant and to be honest, so am I. But that feeling of needing to run is itching at me.

I feel like, this is going downhill, it's already hard, I dunno why but I get so over-emotional w/women and screw it up anyways, so what's the point.

I'm starting to feel like I want out. Big time. Thing is, I like her. I really do. I don't WANT that, but this anxiety and fear that's rising in me, feels the need to wanna run.

 

I guess it was a minor issue that boiled down to a misinterpretation of a joke. The last chick I fell for was narcissistic/socio and I ended up with a grand old case of PTSD and I have triggers because of it. Mainly, I swore up and down after that all happened, that I would never chase another chick.

I joke around a lot and had asked her (this woman, not the last one) if she had kids, she said she did. I joked around that I couldn't be w/her because she was a mom (part of this was feeling major guilt, I had assumed during this time she didn't have kids) and we exchanged some emails back and forth. I joke around a lot and am very sarcastic. Sometimes, people have trouble deciphering if I'm serious or not, when I'm just joking (I should know this by now).

I continued to joke around and then out of the blue she said, "Okay, fine then. Goodbye."

And that halted the joking for me, like in a heartbeat. When I read that, I was like "Okay, I promised myself I wasn't going to chase a woman, so I'm out" and right as I was about to delete her emails, she sent another w/a meme that basically said she couldn't tell if I was serious or not.

After, I expressed that when someone says goodbye to me like that, I emotionally check out now. It was confusing because I was joking and it seemed like she was joking, then the goodbye from her. It was a trigger for me.

Now, I'm kinda unsure if we're cool or not. We've talked about it and both agreed what is a boundary for each of us and I may have triggered her by joking I couldn't hook-up because of the kids, even in jest, and we're trying to move forward but it's very different now.

And the voice in my head is see, this is difficult, it's too hard, it's already not working, I get over-emotional w/women anyway, what's the point because I'm going to screw it up anyways, I wanna get my ball and leave the game.

It such a fight or flight response. After she and I talked, it was like a golf ball in my throat trying to suppress the need to leave the situation.

I really do like her and it's like one part of myself has to talk to the other to convince me to stay. Other than this, she's been great in understanding my situation. She doesn't pressure me, she's willing to wait for my situation at home to ease up, she's emotionally available and we get on quite well. I really do like her.

 

Ugh, we've spoken every morning since we began talking. Now ever since this happened, two days in a row, haven't heard from her as usual.
She'd usually tell me to have a great day and that would lead to other convos.

I dunno, but I feel anxious. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. I want to message her and tell her thanks for her time but that it isn't gonig to work out. There would be that relief of whew, this is over. But I don't WANT that. It's that fear/anxiety/voice in my head.

I'm not sure why I get like this each and everytime w/a woman. Ugh...

 

Thank you, Plaid. I'll def look into that.

God, I wanna run. She's the one who said "goodbye." Am I doing a disservice to myself by even hoping to hear from her again or am I being to black-and-white thinking and attempting to protect myself? I'm lost when it comes to that.

I can't chase anyone and give up my power that way again. Also, that feeling of not knowing where I stand with a person, in general (but especially after my last "incident), makes me fearful, anxious, and downright sick to my dang stomach.

Ugh...

---------- Post added 6th Jul 2016 at 12:16 PM ----------

Also,

I get too hopeful w/women. Once I like one, I become attached very quickly. I believe it's because there aren't a whole lot of options for a married gal like me. There have been a few, but when I finally get to the point of liking them, I have a tendency to put all of my eggs in one basket.

No bueno. I'm so new when it comes to this. It's soooooo not like dating a man.

 

Thanks, Plaid!!

Gosh...this is ALL much tougher than I thought!!

 

Right, Cluster? It's like where the f-ck does that come from? It's hard for me to even see that I'm acting that way, because I feel like I'm just reacting.


In other news, I didn't hear from her at all yesterday. That was a first. We both agreed to move forward. She said she liked the pace of our friendship and our joking around and was hoping to put this past us, to which I agreed.

Before that, she said I ran hot-and-cold and we'd finally get to that next level of chatting, then I would push her away. Maybe I used her having kids as a mean to push her away. She had been great before that, before she said "Okay. Fine then. Goodbye." She was really understanding of my situation and where I'm at emotionally.

I think we triggered each other, unintentionally. I'm the one who emailed last, so I guess I'll leave the ball in her court. Right now my gut says I probably won't hear back from her, because it feels really different now. And that bums me out, because I've been looking for months and we had a lot in common.

 

Cluster,

What are you going to do in your situation? Just give it time?

And that's all that you said? Geez. I wouldn't have been upset over that, lol, but I mess around a lot. Some peeps are sensitive, I guess (boo!).

 

Good luck and keep me posted!!