Midlife crisis at 20????

I'm sorry that you are struggling. (*hug*)

The early twenties can be a tough period, especially when you have problems that most people don't have to deal with, those that come with being LGBT. However, What you are going through is fairly normal as far as I know. Wanting to move, changing jobs, worrying about financial stability and finding a partner, deciding if you want to go study and trying to figure out how to cope with tutition and life are an important part of growing up and building up a sense of self and identity.

Midlife crisis is something else entirely. Here's an explanation, as I understand it: In your late twenties, early thirties most people enter into a patterned form of existence, they get married, build a family, find a stable job and get used to a predictable and peaceful life without much change. A midlife crisis denotes feeling distress in the stable existence that you have established and feeling a need to change your identity, to find a new job and build up a new life for yourself, it can be a painful experience as your identity becomes fragmented and you throw your life and your family's into chaos. It often takes a toll on your partner and children which makes the crisis harder to cope with as you feel as if you are being selfish but the need for change and the distress just grows over time until you break.

 

Hey bro. One thing I can't tell from your post is if you get along with your parents and if they're supportive of you. Another thing I can't tell from your post is if you have some good friends where you are (whether they're homo or hetero.) Friends, and being involved in your community (however big or small your community is) really makes life better. Volunteer in something you like whether its sports, music, community events, the animal shelter, something.

You're more ambitious than a lot of people. Or at least, you've tried making changes (whether or not you're happy with those changes, it doesn't seem like you are.)

You've also learned a lot about the world in a very short time.

- Yes, a lot of jobs and workplaces are really unpleasant. It's a chore to find a job that you like and where you will be respected. It takes intention and effort to find a good situation. There is no shame in leaving a bad situation. Also a lot of people who are highly qualified take months to get hired, 6 or 8 months is not unusual. I think you did well that you got hired so quickly. But don't rest on your laurels, keep up the good fight to land something that will be a better situation.

- Yes, a lot of school cultures are misrepresented and not every college is a good fit for every person. Plus, people change - you changed and you found this university wasn't right for you. At least the school you went to sounded academically okay. It doesn't sound like it was the right fit, but, it doesn't sound like you were flailing with the coursework. This kind of situation is a lot more common than you might think.

- Yes, big cities are expensive. The way to go, if you choose to live in a big city, is to get some roommates and live very frugally while you get yourself settled. You're college-age, which means it should be pretty easy to find decent roommates, especially if you choose a big city that has a university.

No one can really figure out your next steps but you, but we can give you some ideas. You'll have to figure out your pallette of choices and make a decision at some point. Here are some things to think about:

- Change jobs. Is Verizon or one of the major corporate employers hiring in your area? Use Glassdoor to look up salaries of different companies in your area and reviews about what it is like to work there. Take 4 hours a week (half of a Saturday) and put in applications every weekend.

- Go back to school. If the university you attended was okay academically (even if you hated the culture) you could finish 4 semesters there and then have a great shot at transferring to a school of your choice. A liberal school in a bigger city with a bigger dating pool. Then finish your degree there.

- Move to a big city, but make good frugal but livable choices. Choose a city with a university so that it's easier to find inexpensive housing and roommates. (In the Midwest that would be somewhere like Columbus or Milwaukee or Grand Rapids where you can share a house and pay maybe $300 per month in rent.) Don't move until you land a job at a corporate employer where there is some room for advancement. Maybe you would be hireable in jobs like customer care, sales, call centers, etc... or even in an entry-level management position.

- Last suggestion is a little bit creative. You've got a financially stable situation because you live with your parents. Maybe you want to work on getting a better job, but stay put in your current location. My creative suggestion is to use some of your income to travel. If you budget carefully, shop carefully for airfare, and stay in hostels, you might be able to make 2-3 trips per year, even to cities like Chicago or New York or LA. If you wanted to spend your whole $2K in savings, you might be able to get a trip to Europe or South America out of that amount of money. Check out some travel blogs from people your age who are doing the same thing. I love travel and it's the spark I need to keep myself going - even if its just a short overnight to a nearby city, its great for my mood and well-being.

- And get involved... And like I mentioned before, get involved! Don't be afraid to go hang out with the senior citizens who take care of the roses at the town park. Or help out with a parade or a political event. You never know who you'll meet through those kinds of things. And there truly are caring, kind people in every community who will not care if you're gay, straight, what color you are or what you believe. Volunteering helps restore our faith in people because generally when you volunteer you'll find yourself around good people.

Last thing, about the loans. I have $80K+ of loans, and as a middle aged person who works in nonprofit administration, my loan and debt payment take about 45% of my salary every month. As a result I rent a small apartment in a lower priced city. But do I regret this? Not at all. I got my college degree, I had a great experience and broadened my horizons, and I'm happy with my life and my career. I agree its not fun to carry debt for a good portion of your life, but, sometimes it's the only path available to a person. Like you I didn't like the first school I attended. I took on more debt by attending a college I really loved during my last two years of school. Then I went back for grad school. By working in government or non-profits, my debt will be forgiven after 20 years, so I know I won't be paying it forever. It's a small price to pay to be happy and to know I was able to reach more of my potential. I don't feel like I'm suffering. So from my perspective I would say don't let the idea of student loan debt stop you from doing what you need to do.

Good luck on your decisions, and be sure to post an update!

 

I think what you're going through is a "quarter-life" crisis, and as a 20-something Millennial myself I've experienced it, as well as most of my friends.

Yes, I believe there IS a way to become educated, independent, and happy. It might just be a rough start. You already seem like an ambitious and independent person, which is excellent. I'm guessing from the reference to Mormonism that you live in the States. I'm not sure what kind of financial assistance the government offers to promising undergraduates but it is worth exploring. There are TONS of scholarships out there, you just have to look. Some of them are by association, ie. for Chinese-American students, for students with disabilities, hell, maybe there is one for LGBTQ students! You just have to search, search, search.

Otherwise, have you considered moving elsewhere as an international student where higher education is slightly more affordable? As a Canadian I actually see quite a few Americans at my university who have hopped the border because university is slightly cheaper for them here. We also have way less people and are starving for immigrants so international students are highly desired.

Otherwise, keep working and earning a living while you research. Just remember that it need not stay static this way!