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Overcoming shame and the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by dirtyshirt84, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. dirtyshirt84

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    Just picking up on a thread OTH started that I wanted to explore further...

    Within myself, I have always been happy I'm bisexual. I find lots of people attractive and I've had sex and relationships with men and women. My ex-girlfriend was definetly one of the best things that ever happened to me, even though it was when I was much younger :slight_smile:

    However, my problem is when it comes to telling other people. I've always had a mentality that it's something I should keep secret, and therefore something I became ashamed of. I also feel ashamed that I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I'm not completely out and proud. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that it has taken me so long to come to terms with my sexuality properly, ashamed that I'm going through this at my age (mid-30s).

    I worry people will judge me - when coming out or any potential future relationships with women- that I didn't realise that was what I wanted earlier. I worry people will judge me for getting married and having a baby and then splitting up my family/opening my marriage for my own selfish desires (if that happens). I don't know why I care so much what people think.

    Can anyone relate? And any advice on overcoming shame for good?
     
  2. LionsAndShadows

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    The normal, natural response to shame is to hide because shame is a dreadfully painful emotion. Anyone who is honest about feeling shame will agree that their response is to hide, to conceal from others the element of themselves that makes them feel shame. We are brought up to feel shame… and in many many ways shame is a positive thing. It makes us toe the line of social expectation and we are in our most fundamental selves social animals. Shame tells us to fit in. We need to fit in. We literally need that for our survival.

    Being different – being LGBT for example – makes it impossible to fit in. So we cannot easily escape from shame. The only way out is to be authentic. To be and to trust just who you are, who you REALLY are, to trust that being gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgendered is who you genuinely are and to be vulnerable to that knowledge. To accept it, to be it.

    Judgement then becomes irrelevant. No one judges anymore, least of all you. You stop judging yourself, looking out for the shame.

    Its not easy, I totally know. But I hope thinking about being completely you will help.
     
  3. bi2me

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    You may be familiar with it, but I found Brene Briwn's Ted talk about shame really powerful. I've been working on leaning into shame and vulnerability - at least with my husband and bff. It's really hard, but almost always a relief to share.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Is it shame that you feel or guilt? Most likely both. Can you differentiate the two? They are different and require different healing methodologies.

    Your concern about people judging you is derived from shame, your concern about getting married might be more related to guilt.

    In the first instance, try and define what you are feeling, then work to resolve them.

    For me, I believe in forgiveness. To forgive yourself and forgive others. That helped me with guilt and regret.

    In terms of shame, as others stated, I made myself vulnerable and that has helped immensely. Even to this day, I continue to push myself, take emotional risks and open myself up to vulnerability. Each time I do, and I get to the other side, I get a rush of euphoria that goes a long way towards diminishing shame.
     
    #4 OnTheHighway, Jul 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  5. dirtyshirt84

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    Thanks bi2me, I haven't listened to this so I will definetly check it out! I have talked a lot to my husband about how I am feeling and it has definetly helped.

    You are right OTH, I do feel some shame but also quite a lot of guilt, especially relating to my husband and my baby. I think I do need to work at forgiving myself first of all and letting go of regrets.

    I am trying to push myself and take emotional risks and open myself up to vulnerability. Coming out to my crush was a big step for me and required me to be really honest and vulnerable, and she was really nice about it. I did have a coming out high for a couple of days. I feel now I have some momentum to come out to others and continue to push myself and make myself vulnerable. Being able to be really honest feels so good.
     
  6. Adray

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    Good job, dirtyshirt! I'm very happy for you.

    I have experienced some of the same feelings you described. I don't know if "shame" is exactly the right word, it feels more like a combination of embarrassment of overly personal details combined with fear of rejection when telling others. Perhaps "shame" is a simpler way to express that, IDK.

    Regardless, you are doing awesome!
     
  7. YeahpIdk

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    (*hug*) This is something, as you know, I too struggle with. I think it's harder when you're bi/queer, for all of the ugly stereotypes put on it: promiscuous, selfish, confused. I always feel like it would be much easier to say lesbian or straight. I think that's because we like black and white understanding. Gray area is scary, unknown, fluid... I'm working on this, too. (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    I struggle with this too. (*hug*) I find it hard to overcome the potential impact of separating from my partner, and I worry about what people would think if we did separate.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    Having crushes and trying to decide to make yourself vulnerable seems to be part of the common coming out experience. Looking back, if I could have a do-over, I would liked to have made myself vulnerable to my crushes and open up to them. In retrospect, that might have helped me progress much sooner than I otherwise did. Thats how powerful vulnerability is! I am happy for you for taking that risk :slight_smile: