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Advice wanted: coming out to my Musilm, Arab parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by zeek, Jun 29, 2016.

  1. zeek

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    Apologies in advance for the VERY lengthy post. I’m currently facing a dilemma and I’d like your input on something. But first, here’s some context:

    I’m a gay man in his late twenties who has been living in the U.S. for nine years. I was born and raised however in the Middle East in an Arab, Muslim family. Most people cannot even begin to comprehend the level of oppression that I’ve had to endure purely because of the family, faith and geography that I just so happened to be born into.

    Growing up, my parents would frequently make remarks about how disgusting homosexuals are and what deviants they were for “choosing such a lifestyle.” These days, some of my family members can’t even make it through an episode of Game of Thrones, Modern Family or any other LGBT-friendly show because the thought of homosexuality strikes such an uncomfortable cord with them.

    While I was growing up, my father couldn’t even bring himself to say the word “gay”; instead, he would refer to homosexuals as “weirdos.” We all knew what he meant though. My mother would continuously mock the one single openly gay kid in my high school, constantly making remarks about what a disgrace he was to his family, and how embarrassing that must be for them. Right, because the most important thing about that kid’s sexuality is how it impacts his parents’ persona. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up in a small town that revolves around gossip, but I digress. These have been just a handful from the infinite list of examples of homophobia that I witnessed within my household for the first 18 years of my life. Needless to say, for my own safety, I remained in the closet for that entire duration.

    Not only did I stay in the closet, I went out of my way to ward off suspicion. This part of the struggle, in my opinion, is what straight people sometimes don’t see or think about. I had a high school relationship with a girl whom I felt absolutely nothing for. Going out with her was honestly more of a chore than anything else. I would spend time with her instead of hanging out with my friends (what I actually wanted to do) to ward off suspicion. Trust me, I realize how unfair this was to said girl. When you’re a teenager, all anybody wants to talk to you about (including your parents in my case) is dating and/or sex. Having to train your mind to always use the incorrect pronoun when describing your crush or your ideal mate might just be one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard of. Yet here I am, a master at it. My dad constantly, and creepily, asking me what girls I was hooking up with/having sex with was just the cherry on top. So to summarize, not only did I have to hear about how disgusting and sinful homosexuality is on a consistent basis, I was then forced to lie about who I was. Constantly.

    If you’ve read this far you might be thinking, what the hell does this have to do with the input you’re looking for? I’m getting there, I promise. The context is crucial. Fast-forward four years: I’ve moved to the U.S. for college. I’m about to graduate. I went through my entire college career half way across the world and made some of the best friends that I could ever ask for, and I did it all without ever being 100% honest about who I am with any of them. Yup, I stayed in the closet the entire time. Why you ask? Because of the fractional risk that someone would say something or post something that even slightly indicated who I truly was and that it would eventually make its way back to my parents. Why does that matter? They were paying for college, and college was my ticket out of a life where I couldn’t be 100% my true authentic self.

    Naturally, after graduating I stayed in the U.S. and never said anything to anyone because at this point, I was good at it and used to it. I immersed myself in work and focused all my energy on climbing the corporate ladder, which I did quite successfully. Four years later, after having passed so many milestones, I reflected on my life and realized that I was wasting it by not being totally honest about who I am not only to my friends, but also to myself. So over the course of what felt like an agonizing year, I came out to all of my U.S. friends, some of my Middle Eastern friends, and my siblings. Everyone was accepting and what a relief that was. On the one hand, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. On the other hand, I think about how my twenties are nearly over and its taken me this long to accomplish what some boys in this country accomplish at the age of 16. It literally took me a decade longer. How many happy and fulfilling relationships could I have had in that decade? What kind of a world do we live in where someone has to reach the age of 30 before he feels comfortable speaking up about just one small part of who he is? Just an observation.

    We’ve arrived at the point. After coming out to my siblings, all of whom were accepting, I expressed to them how I wanted to tell my parents. I come from a huge family with many aunts, uncles and cousins. None of that mattered. All that mattered to me was telling my parents and then I was d-o-n-e, done. To my surprise, my siblings encouraged me not to. “They won’t understand” they said, “They come from a different generation.” So I decided to hold off.

    The more time passed the more this irked me. Why couldn’t I just say those two words and move on? My siblings’ motives became clearer over time. Apparently, they were shielding my parents from inevitable emotional suffering that they are bound to go through just by being traditional Muslim Arabs. Now, before you go bashing religions in the comments, everyone has a right to believe in their own faith and I want to leave it at that. Islam is a religion about peace and kindness, regardless of what you may or may not have heard. Take it from someone who actually learned about it growing up. BUT, the point here is that my siblings literally want me to keep this a secret until a die purely because of how my parents will react to the news based on their religious values.

    “Being gay doesn’t define who you are, its just one tiny part of who you are so why are you making such a big deal about this?” Ummm… gee I don’t know, please refer back to the first couple of paragraphs about how this “one tiny part” of who I am caused me to live a severely emotionally oppressed childhood. “Them knowing doesn’t affect you, but you telling them will seriously affect them. I don’t think its something they will be able to get over.” Lets pause here for a moment and reflect on the fact that my struggle of 26 years is being dismissed by my siblings’ fear of how Mom and Dad might take the shocking news. Does that seem distorted to anyone else? “You’ve been living abroad for so long, you forget the way things are here. It’s not something they can easily accept.” Here’s what they don’t understand. I don’t care. All I care about is doing my due diligence, getting it off my chest so I can freely live an authentic life. For so long I’ve lived worrying about what others might think. Now I want to live a life where I am proud of myself, and I will never be proud of myself while still closeting myself from my parents. Their reaction and subsequent choices is their prerogative and theirs alone. And finally, the straw that broke the camels back: “Do you really want Mom to commit suicide? Are you okay with that?” To be quite honest I lost my shit when I heard this. How could they not realize that this is about me? (I realize how self-centered I sound but entertain my thought process for a moment.) This is about the struggle that I’ve had to go through my entire life. Yet somehow, all they can think about is how my parents might react. So should I live a life where I can’t ever get married to the person that I love? Where I can’t post a picture of my partner and me on any social media out of fear that it might get back to them? Where I can’t even be photographed at a gay bar or with a gay couple out of fear that it will create suspicion? Where they can never visit me as I get older because having a “roommate” at my age is a little suspicious? Where I can never truly express to my own parents the joy and happiness that I feel from finally finding the person I’m supposed to be with? To me, asking that of anyone is asking too much.

    SO, if you’ve made it this far, thank you. Since I’ve been unable to get through to my siblings. Since I can’t make them see how the impact of keeping this quiet is so much more detrimental to my happiness than it is to my parents’ in the long run, I wanted to create this post. I wanted to create this post to get as many opinions as possible. If you were me, what would you tell my siblings? Once I get a decent number of responses, I plan on sending them the link to this page so that they can hopefully understand how skewed their perspective is by reading the perspective of others. My hope is that they can get on board with the decision to tell my parents so that we can all do it as a united front so that I can finally feel like I’m a life with absolutely no barriers. I know that to you, a Westerner, you might be thinking "why is this guy making such a big deal about something trivial?", but where I'm from, no body come out. Ever.

    Thanks for reading :slight_smile:
     
  2. SneakyFennec

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    Hello,
    May I ask where do you come from?
    I understand if you don't want to share,too.
    I'm from (and currently in) Algeria,raised in an islamic,arab-berber family.
    Now,our households differ because I've heard both my parents showing sympathy to oppressed gay people,but they wouldn't accept me. It just,can't happen to their son,right ? He's confused,he wants to rebel,that's it.
    My cousin knows and we've both agreed to keep it REAAAAAALLY secret because of the environment. I don't want to become threatened and unsafe,yes.
    But telling my old,hard working,tired,full-of-problems parents that I'm something deemed illicit,against nature,corrupt,illegal and untolerated just to feel that little bit of relief isn't worth it.
    Even if they aren't extreme in their interpretation of the Quran,even if they're tolerant (my dad had a very good japanese Shinto friend),it just feels selfish to come out in this hostile,judging,oppressive,dangerous environment. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on them,I just don't want the people who provided and cared for me to suffer more so I can feel relieved. The society as a whole isn't ready.
    This is my point of view,your case differs and perhaps everything I'm saying is irrelevant,but it's just what I think.
    Salam
     
  3. Tomás1

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    This is a beautiful post - my eyes have tears as I read it & respond. Thank you. Honesty is best. Tell your parents … along w telling them how much your u care for them. Don't battle w your siblings - that would be a distraction.

    I also had the intuition, that with your Dad's extreme homophobia, he could be covering up fear of his own sexuality.

    It's possible they know you're gay, or suspect it. Things like this are an incredible opportunity to recreate the love you have for your siblings and parents. Good luck.
     
  4. mirkku

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    Aww, man. I am sorry about that.

    I particularly think that the comment about your mom's possible suicide was... urg. There is no word for that. It got me very, very angry to read this. In general I have a massive issue about parents rejecting their children for something that really isn't any of their business. This is the contrary of unconditional love children should be entitled to get.

    I don't think they suspect you are gay, and unlike BeingDude I don't think your father is repressing anything: some people are really like that. It's more a problem of context of education / open-view to the world than a repressed feeling. However, it is true that most of my Muslim friends often tell me about the pressure put on people's sexuality in general, even straight, in some countries. So there's that.

    As for what you could tell your siblings... I dunno, man. Their comments are not very supportive. Yet, on the other hand, I understand their struggle because children want to protect their parents in the event of a good relationship with them. Should they show more understanding and help you live your sexuality in peace without throwing around the idea that you will break the family apart? Yes. Should they hide their concerns concerning the (possibly drastic) reaction of your parents? No.

    Now, please think about that: Your parents paid for your tuition (I've seen how much school costs in the US, and honestly this is absolutely outrageous) in a country they knew would not follow the same rules than theirs. They sent you away to get what I assume is a better education than the one your country could provide, or at least an education that could give you a ticket to stay in a "better" country (I assume). The chances of them knowing that you and them are not on the same metaphorical planet anymore are high. They might be well-prepared for it. You are a success story on both the academic and the career level, if I understood correctly. You are a "good child". Clearly your homosexuality did not hold you back in these aspects; it just made you sad because it could not be open, and you're right, it's not okay nor fair.
    But at the end of the day your parents are, as said, living on another metaphorical planet. At best they'll cry for days, then move on, at worst they'll cut all communication / acknowledgement of your existence. (Your mother has other children she should think of before considering a tragic ending to everybody's happiness. Beside, isn't suicide prohibited by religion?)

    I would suggest you not to rush in telling your parents while wearing a rainbow toga, but if your siblings understand, and accept, as they say, then they should definitely help you come out to them at some point, given how miserable you seem to be from them not knowing. And yes, yes, them knowing does affect you. If you are with partner and child, you might want your parents to know these wonderful people. Their constant mockery of LGBT people makes you feel sad, and it is not okay to pretend it doesn't hurt, and let them go this "old" way -- the whole "generation" argument is so void. This very forum proves it: members of all ages! There is no excuse to refuse understanding, compassion and education.

    Hoping for the best! (*hug*) (And that this long reply made sense...)
     
  5. doinitagain

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    I read your post from beginning to end and really feel for you. I am guessing that you have discussed this with your siblings face to face, and have had the responses that you talk about.
    If I may, can I suggest that you initially write as passionately, and with more detail than you could safely put here, to your siblings to that they have the chance to truly think about what you have been through. I don't believe that just talking gets across your message as stronly as a heartfelt, well thoughtout letter.
    If that has the desired affect, if you do decide to come out to your parents, I would do it in a similar fashion by letter.
    Best wishes and best of luck.
    I am pleased that you are now living an authentic life. 30 is not too old believe me!
     
  6. amaterasu wolf

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    Hi Zeek :slight_smile:

    Although I haven’t had this account for very long, I’ve been a long time reader of this forum, but never posted anything until now. I’ve read your post several times, and I just felt like I had to write something. You remind me so much of myself, and your life mirrors a lot of what I’ve gone through (and things that I am still going through, to be honest) so I thought maybe I could offer my perspective on the matter as well.

    Like yourself, I’m also a gay man in his late 20s (27 to be exact) and I am Muslim as well, but I don’t come from an Arab background, but an African one instead. I also went to university abroad, with my parents paying for my tuition and living costs, and throughout most of my life, I was strictly in the closet, not unlike the way you described it in your post. But I recently came out to my family and friends, including my parents, about one month ago (yeah, I know, don’t get me started ^^).

    I agree with you, sometimes it can be very difficult for another person to fully understand what another individual is going through, but I will try my best. It is obvious to me that you are a very thoughtful person, and very considerate of your family as well. You strike me as a very balanced and level-headed person, and I think that quality has taken you far in life, and it will certainly continue to do so. I don’t have any doubt that you will find what you are looking for, that much is clear to me.

    Anyways, back to business :slight_smile: Like you’ve kindly asked, I will do my best to put myself in your shoes. I apologize if I ever come across as too forward in this post. I have nothing but respect and admiration for yourself and your family, so please take my perspective with a huge grain of salt. It is only my humble opinion, but as you know, your instinct is worth more than anything anyone in this forum could ever offer.

    To be completely honest, if I were you, I would tell my parents, sooner rather than later, with or without your siblings. Here is my reasoning:

    I get the impression that you’ve come to a point in life where you want things to change. You’ve worked really hard and found a great deal of success, but in regards to relationships and love, things may not have moved forward as quickly as everything else. However, by informing your siblings and friends about who you are, you’ve clearly made massive leaps in that department. They always say you’ve gotta love yourself before you can love someone else, right?

    But of course things don’t end there, this is just the beginning after all. Like you’ve mentioned, there is dating, clubbing, relationships, marriage, so many things to experience and explore. Just by experiencing these things (which most people seem to take for granted by the way), there will always be a chance that your parents will find out somehow. In fact, when you really think about it, there is almost no way they won’t find out. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but like you’ve described, it only takes one photo or rumour for them to know that you are gay. And it is of my belief that this will happen at some point.

    For argument’s sake, let’s say this statement is true, that your parents will find out at some point. My perspective is that it would be better for them to find out sooner rather than later, and that the news comes from yourself directly. Most importantly, by informing them sooner, you will be able to fully progress in your life, but your parents will also have time to think about things in the years to come. There is also value in telling them yourself, as people generally tend to appreciate hearing any major news directly from the source, no matter how difficult or shocking that news may be.

    The counter-argument that your siblings provide could very well be true: “They won’t understand”. Maybe there is an overwhelming chance that they will never understand, but how will we ever know unless they are given a chance? Of course, as a fellow Muslim, I’m not naïve to the situation and the circumstances, but I would argue that it is unwise to make assumptions on how people will react when it comes to this situation. In fact, I would also argue that their reaction shouldn’t be factored in when it comes to making this decision.

    Let’s say your parents become upset, sad, angry or depressed. Maybe they will find a way to get past these feelings, or maybe they won’t. However, by merely telling them who you truly are, you are not responsible for their subsequent actions, reactions or emotions. Ultimately, adults are accountable for their own lives, and I also believe that it is your parents’ responsibility to take this news whoever they wish.

    No matter what the consequences may be (accepting parents, semi-accepting, unaccepting, needs-plenty-of-time accepting, disownment, suicide etc.) I would still tell your parents if I was in your position. Trust me, I am not making light of any of these potential consequences, but like I said, I believe that they would still find out eventually, and I also believe that we are all accountable for our own lives. What you do is your decision, and what they do is theirs. That is what I truly believe.

    I am sorry for writing such a long reply (which I tried to edit as best as I could), but I hope this post is of some use. Like I mentioned before, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about this situation, this is your life after all, and you get to do whatever you wish with it. There is no right or wrong way, as long as the decision is yours in the end.

    If you ever want to talk, discuss things or ask me questions, do not hesitate to get in touch!

    I wish you all the best.