1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Very closeted bisexual needing advice on what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Scaredtospeak, Jun 27, 2016.

  1. Scaredtospeak

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Cloud Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I'm a closeted bisexual. I'm also very scared. I know I am bisexual because I am a guy, married to a gorgeous woman who I love sex with. I have had sex with many women and love it, but I love going down on a guy and feeling a penis inside me. I love sex with men. I'm very comfortable being naked with both men and women and being sexual.

    I actually get turned on more by watching man have sex then straight people having sex. I know Nike because I love having sex with women should get turned on by seeing naked women.

    Here's my fear. On my wife and I first met 5 to 6 years ago, I commented to her that I thought I might be bisexual, even though I 100% am. She freaked out, said this would probably not work out. I closed my door. Right now she thinks I'm 100% straight with no homosexual tendencies, but I'm not.

    I truly do not want to live the rest of my life in the closet. But I know even with my immediate family, I will be completely shunned and disregard it if I come out as being even bisexual. I am married, faithful to my wife, except with man. I find man on the side to have sex with because it feels good and I enjoy it. That is something my wife cannot give me.

    I feel like I'm losing my mind living someone else's life. What do I do? :icon_sad:
     
  2. greeneyes

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2011
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NY
    I wrote a long message then deleted it, because I noticed I didn't read the whole thing about you having sex with men on the side.

    I guess I would ask yourself - 1) If she used a strap-on and your sex life changed, would that be enough 2) If you committed yourself to just one man, would that be enough (aka - even if you enjoy sex with women, do you need sex with men to the point that you could forego sex with women) 3) Would you be interested in polyamory, threesomes, or open-relationships 4) What is it about the cheating that you need?

    To a woman, cheating is cheating. Saying you only slept with men but remained faithful to her alone as the only woman doesn't cut it in a woman's ears. But I think you need to figure out some more what you need.

    Revealing yourself as a bisexual is one thing, which can be totally fine and great and honest. Revealing yourself as wanting more than what your wife currently offers and has is totally different, and you're going to have to be ready to know what you really want there.
     
  3. Scaredtospeak

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Cloud Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    If she'd use a strap on I'd be satisfied, then again I wouldn't get the true effect of giving a blow job and finishing ya know. I'd definitely want an open marriage or threesomes with real people; the thing is, I know my wife. She will never accept a threesome, nor an open marriage. Its either 100% monogamous with her, or divorce. I don't want to come off a shallow, or sex addict, or anything like that. I'm just trying to find out what I'm feeling inside and how to live the rest my life the best I can with the feelings I have.

    I guess the biggest thing for me is, I wish I could come out of the closet and tell people I am bisexual and get the relief I'm looking for with that and have everyone except me. The problem is, I've already brought this up in hinting before, and I know well that my family especially my wife will not except me this way. My wife would fear that I would always be looking at men and wanting to have sex with men all set our marriage and that she would ever be enough for me. The truth is she is enough for me, but I always have a thought about wanting to be with a man sexually here and there. I'm not attracted to men in a relationship type sense, just sexually.
     
  4. mirkku

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2016
    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Finland
    Gender:
    Female
    Not to sound harsh or rude here, but looks to me that your wife does not love you, but the straight man she has convinced herself to be living with.

    Also: cheating is cheating, ain't no faithful man or woman doing it with somebody else behind the back of their partners/spouses.
    However, I understand that your sexual desires have not been taken into consideration well in your marriage - by the both of you -, and we all know that taboo = more exciting sometimes. Not saying that your desires aren't valid, because they are. It's just that it seems unlikely that your family and you will ever reach a point where you could ever be yourself, in the present state of things.

    It might end badly for everyone, emotionally, if you let matters drag and does not force a time to have a real, good, positive and open-minded discussion with at least your wife, and perhaps your family after that.

    Also also: being cheated on for a while can give someone hints / feelings that it is happening. Given how your wife seem to repress your sexuality with a certain dexterity, I am quite sure that she already knows you're cheating on her. Which echoes to my first point: denial is the main issue here. The whole cast of your story seems to swim in it, big time.

    I hope things will get resolved fast! Best of luck. (*hug*)
     
  5. PrettyinPunk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2016
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MI
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey there, I understand your scared and very conflicted right now. The hard truth of the matter is the only way to face this is by being honest to yourself and your wife. I know it's an easier said then done kind of thing, and you have other circumstances going on that add extra pressure.
    But living your life now the way you describe isn't fair and healthy for you or your wife. Like greeneyes said cheating is cheating, your wife maybe unaccepting of your bisexuality but how do you thing she'd react finding out you've been seeing guys on the side?

    I think you need to sit down and tell her everything, no hints just the truth. I'd advice before, during and after, have a support system ready, because it will most likely be one of the most difficult things you ever do. You have fear because you feel your wife won't give you a chance if you admit your bi and attracted to men. I can't say that she will but she might be more open than you'd think. If she really cares about you and the relationship, with time and communication she might agree to using a strap in the bedroom or even an open relationship. You'll never know if you don't tell her.

    There's users on here who've been in your exact shoes and have found ways to work out things between their significant other. There's also the chance, no matter how hard you try, your wife and you might not be able to continue together. If that's the case divorce could be a reality but I wouldn't think of that yet. Maybe you and your wife could discuss about having a temporary time apart so you can figure yourself out, or try couples counseling.

    I get your terrified, this is a major part of who you are but the longer you delay the worse this'll be in the end.

    Good luck, As well. (*hug*)
     
  6. Scaredtospeak

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Cloud Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I've already been divorced once and custody shit sucks. I don't want to do it again. I may wait for the right time and talk to her. This is who I am. I can't change it. Maybe getting it in and coming out of the closet will overpower the desire to actually be with men. Who knows. Ugh. Why did I have to be this way? My entire family is extremely homophobic and anti gay that included bisexuals. Comments have been made so that's a big part of why I've kept quiet. My wife is my best friend. She should understand, right? I just know it'd be a lot to take in. So scared.
     
  7. PrettyinPunk

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2016
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MI
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm sorry to hear about your previous divorce. I can't personally relate but I'm sure it's a crappy situation.

    I honestly think if you can tell even one person about your sexuality, you'll feel better, even if it's slight. Do you have any lgbt+ friends you can talk to in person, or a non homophobic family member? Some people see therapists one on one I don't know if you'd be interested in that.

    Whatever you do don't blame yourself for being bisexual. I say this a lot but I mean it. Its perfectly fine to be the way you are. Some don't understand this and the concept of being bi is confusing to them. I won't sugar coat that bi folks are not always welcomed in straight/gay communities. That doesn't mean you won't find acceptance at all.

    Just breath man, I'd personally stop seeing guys on the side if I were you. Then take proper time to come out to your wife, when your ready. Its a lot to take in, you're correct, but it's only moving forward once you take that first step.:slight_smile:
     
  8. Scaredtospeak

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Cloud Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Very helpful. Thank you so much. I do see a therapist-female who I'm very attracted to. I will try coming out to her next session if I have the guts. I am kind of a mess-that has a lot to do with my first marriage. I will take your advice to heart and take one day at a time and one step at a time. I just want to be who I am without any hatred or discrimination. I also understand that may not be possible in today's society:icon_redf
     
  9. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Scaredtospeak

    I was married for 30 years as a closeted bisexual. My wife and I started having intimacy issues (from her end) and I decided that it would be O.K. to cheat with a guy since it wasn't about her..right? Well, it was about her. I started looking for a hookup, became withdrawn, and our intimacy became worse yet and I became angry. So, yeah...it was about her really.

    I stopped 5 minutes before cheating, got into therapy, and spilled it all to my wife. She is completely O.K. with it, especially since I didn't cheat. But, even that would not have been a deal breaker she says. What she wants is my honesty, respect and love. We are working out how gay I can be in the marriage.

    I look in the mirror now and see the best I am. When I was sneaking around, I saw the worst. Embrace your gay, be honest with yourself. Faking it is good for no one in the long term.
     
  10. Kiran

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2016
    Messages:
    174
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    EU
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're cheating on your wife, doing exactly the things she would be afraid to happend if she knew you're bi. The longer you do that, the more devastated she will be.

    Your wife is not enough for you since you look for other adventures. Don't lie to yourself and her.

    As a bi, I don't feel a need to sleep both with a man and a woman at (roughly) the same time.
     
    #10 Kiran, Jun 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2016
  11. Scaredtospeak

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Cloud Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thank you Nickw. This makes a lot of sense.
     
  12. Scaredtospeak

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Cloud Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    :slight_smile:
     
  13. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey

    You're welcome. A lot of us have been through similar situations. Keep posting. Check out the "later in life" forum. There are a number of guys going through, right now, what you are.

    Right now, the most important thing to remember is to move beyond the blame and guilt. Realize that your sexuality is not a choice. It is just part of you that you must recognize and come to terms with. Facing it head on was the best thing I ever did.
     
  14. mvp 447

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2015
    Messages:
    208
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tampa Bay, FL
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Dont wanna make u feel bad but yeah it's cheating. You have to be honest.