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Thinking Your Family ALREADY Knows?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by QuestionMark99, Jun 25, 2016.

  1. QuestionMark99

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    Hi,

    Recently I've come to the conclusion that my family must know I'm gay already despite me not ever telling them. I'm not sure I ever will have the guts to lay it out fully, so in some odd way I've taken comfort in thinking they already know/suspect. I feel like it should be obvious at my age (early 30s) and via a lot of things I've said. They HAVE to know, right? Does anyone else feel like this? How does it affect your life? Do you like the idea that they might know, or do you like to think you're well hidden?

    Still there are times when people say things that I think they would never say if they really thought I was gay unless they truly wanted to hurt me. Yet recently someone in my family commented about a LGBTQ news piece and it sorta got to me. It wasn't something bad, wasn't even homophobic really, just odd & slightly ignorant considering I had thought this person must know on some level that I'm gay. It's sorta knocked me back a little and has me thinking they're in deeper denial (about me) than I was for the last 10 years, or just really have no clue at all. Can they really not know?

    And why is this even bothering me? Shouldn't I be glad no one suspects if I'm purposely keeping them out of the loop?... Maybe I liked the idea that if I did ever did decide to tell everyone, they would be ready for it in advance given we all had this unspoken understanding beforehand. I don't know, but now I'm wondering if this was just wishful thinking entirely.

    I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I just needed to get it out there, so I would love to hear anything any of you might have to say.

    Thanks,

    Mark
     
    #1 QuestionMark99, Jun 25, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2016
  2. mnguy

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    I figure everyone knows/assumes and that's fine. Maybe when people say stupid stuff around you they're trying to kinda piss you off so you say you're gay. I think that's an insulting thing to do and maybe that's not it at all. I've read something to the effect that other people don't think about us as much as we think they do; they're too busy with their own stuff. Then again people do gossip and talk about other people so who knows.
     
  3. Elam

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    Well, I think the parents might suspect I'm trans seeing as I've always acted in a masculine way and preferred male clothing, and as they came into my room once while I had these forums on my PC... but I guess it's a good thing if they already know, as coming out won't be as big of a surprise, and they could've had time to do a bit of research.
     
  4. Spotofpaint

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    Certain members of my immediate family knew I was a gay before I did. Which was kinda hysterical. Because when I developed a huge crush on my BFF in highschool and ended up having to come out to my mom and sister they were both like, "Well duh. We've known that for years." And I was like, "Why didn't someone tell me?! I've been struggling with my sexuality for years!!!" LOL!
     
  5. PennyT

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    I think my mom knows, because I tell her almost everything, so while I haven't told her I'm questioning, I leave some very big clues. I'm in counseling, I'm going to Pride, I'm looking at LGBT-friendly Catholic churches (they do exist), etc. I kind of like the idea that she knows and she hasn't reacted badly to the idea, but I'm looking forward to telling her and the rest of my family just so that I don't have to hide it and so that they don't have a surprise when I bring a girl home for the first time, if I swing that way (which I probably do).

    I think if someone says something to you that makes you uncomfortable as an LGBTQ person, it probably would be fine. My sister gets more vocal about LGBTQ things than I do, and nobody jumps to the conclusion that she's gay (and she's not), though I know it depends on the situation.

    Stick in there! (*hug*)
     
  6. LostLion

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    Seriously doubt my family even suspects it for even a second. I just want them to accept me, but they won't.
     
  7. Totesgaybrah

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    For me its kinda like I just wish they would ask me if I'm gay, I think I might have blown my chance though because when I was like 14 my mom asked me if I was while we were driving one day and I was like "what, no,why would you ask?" and she has not brought it up since.
     
  8. Benway

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    This is something I deal with on a daily basis.

    Due to some unfortunate events that took place years ago, my sexuality was semi-revealed to my family. Since then, my father has remained silent on the subject (though he occasionally makes an off-handed joke about it) and my mother, with the exception of a few times in the very beginning (she used to ask me "are you still gay?" accusingly) has also remained silent. The only person who really knows about my struggles with my sexuality in full is my brother and a handful of my friends.

    My Mom is insane, like, certifiably, I could have her committed to an asylum (no easy feat these days, thanks to Reagan) and be on with my life. But because I'm not that kind of guy, I let her in my life because I must secretly love the abuse she deals out in a most passive aggressive way. Don't get me wrong, I love her and she's mother and everything, and she can be the sweetest person when she wants to be, but she's extremely abusive of both me and my brother and is the reason our father divorced her.

    So basically what I have is a pair of parents who already know but remain completely silent about it. I'm not sure if that's for the best or if it's because they don't support that kind of behavior or what. It's part of the reason I'm so self-loathing of my homosexuality and deny myself simple pleasures from it. It's a cycle I've been stuck in for over five years and it bugs the crap out of me that I can't talk to either of my parents about my sexuality for fear of either being made fun of by my father or chewed out by my mother.

    I'm in a similar boat on the same waters.
     
  9. QuestionMark99

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    I have thought about that myself, wondering if it would be for the best, but at the same time I think I'd just lie and wreck the chance I had. It's not just about admitting it, it's that I DO NOT want to deal with the massive change that would come about as a result, or the change in the way my family might see me. There are a total of zero known LGBT people in all my family as far as you can trace. So it's just not something anyone has any up close normalized experience with. Gay people are just out there somewhere in the world...

    What I'd love is for one of my parents to not ask, but say "you know we wouldn't care if you were gay..." and leave it at that. Not make it any type of question or confrontation. Wishful thinking.

    That sounds really difficult and unhealthy. Even being OUT, you're still left to deal with the unknown. I'm not ashamed of myself for liking other men, I don't feel like it's wrong or anything like that - in fact it feels totally right for me. However when I hear negative opinions on gay people I take on so much external shame and guilt that I feel society is telling me I should feel, that I end up in the same place - boat - as you anyway.

    To be honest, while I wish my immediate family knew and that I knew they knew, I absolutely DO NOT want to discuss my sexuality with any of them. As long as they know what it means and don't hate me for it or want to disown me, I'm good. We don't need to talk about it at all.


    Thanks for all the replies so far! It's so helpful to hear from others who feel the same :slight_smile:

    Mark
     
  10. Totesgaybrah

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    I completely relate to this, this is the main reason why I have not told them yet.
    At the same time, I told my brother and he has not treated me any different than before.
     
  11. VideoGameLover

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    I'm pretty sure my dad's known since before I even found out myself. I discovered my sexuality freshman year of high school, and I had no attractions to anyone before hand (middle school and before). It was around my 7th grade year of school when he told me that if he ever found out I was gay, he'd kick me out of the house. At the time, it was very shocking to me because I didn't even know what sexuality was back then. I suppose he and my mom secretly suspected it and he was trying to indoctrinate me early on to "not be gay", since he suspected it.

    I mean, it's pretty obvious I'd like to think. I've never expressed any interest in girls, have never dated any. I get upset every time he bothers me about getting a girlfriend or tries to get me to check out girls in public. He knows that it's a touchy subject, and it's not hard to guess why. My stepmom obviously knows. My sister knows because I came out to her (she's bi, so she's obviously cool with it).

    So why doesn't my dad kick me out? Why doesn't he bring it up? Simple. Denial. I haven't said the words yet. I haven't said "I'm gay" to him yet. Because I have not said that, he can convince himself it's not true. He doesn't have to deal with it yet because I've not confirmed it yet. I'm pretty sure that when he does find out, it's gonna be very emotional for him and it's gonna be pretty hard to cope with. He's the type who's afraid of negative emotions, so he tries to run and hide from them. Though, it's pretty strange to me why he even cares to much if I end up with a woman. I've asked him multiple times if he cared about me ever having children and he told me he didn't care. He doesn't mind if I never married, or married a woman and didn't have kids... so uh... why is it bad if I marry a man and not have kids? It's because he's been raised since childhood to believe that homosexuality is wrong. He's extremely homophobic, and the last thing he wants is a gay kid. It's really stupid, but when you're indoctrinated with homophobic thoughts like that, it's going to effect how you view even your own children.

    I find it terrifying how someone can hate even their own child and stop being proud of them for something as small as just being a different sexuality. Isn't it scary what homophobic brainwashing does to a person?

    It's possible that with enough time and help from my step-mom, I could get him to eventually change his mindset to accepting me. But I will not take that risk. And I mean it, I will absolutely not take that risk. Perhaps I'm a coward, or I'm too cautious for my own good, but this is the decision I decided was best for me. I'm heading into college soon and there's no fucking way I'm gonna be able to afford the apartment and the school expenses on my own. I'm way too reliant on his financial support that my life could theoretically be ruined just for being who I am. I'm so terrified of what would happen if I lost his support, financially, and hell, just even knowing that he'd stop being proud of me. Perhaps he succeeded in shutting me up. So I'm just playing a waiting game, even if it stresses me out and causes anxiety. This waiting game has been happening since high school, and has caused me to go really, really low before, to the point where I had even considered suicide. But my best friend taught me how to love myself and help me build up my self-esteem, so I'm doing really well right now. I don't even have any more shamed thoughts about my sexuality. (Oh boy do I know internalized homophobia so well...)

    I'm moving out to university soon though, and will be living in my own apartment with some new dormmates. Idk how I'll come out to them yet, but it means I'll stop living with my dad. Which means I can slowly start, you know, living my life. Being who I actually am. I may not come out to him for a long time, probably not until after I finish uni. But who knows. Maybe I'll have a revelation and not fear him anymore. I just wanna get a boyfriend and be supported, you know!
     
    #11 VideoGameLover, Jun 27, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2016
  12. Kiran

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    My mother for sure suspects I'm trans - she made comments, even some questions but officially we don't talk about it. When I confirm she'll feel bad about this.

    As for the rest of my family, I'm not sure. I will know soon.
     
  13. RGEm

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    I'm not sure if my family suspects that I'm bi. They are, however, strong advocates for LGBT rights, and WW3 frequently erupts in our household when the step-grandparents visit and my granddad makes either a racist or homophobic remark. God knows what will happen when I come out - it'll be fine with my parents, but his reaction might be... unusual. Either way, not my problem if he's too bigoted to accept me.

    I do think one of my sisters might think I'm asexual. I think it's because I don't tell her who I'm attracted too.
     
  14. IamCasey

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    My Big Bro figured it out first. He made me sit down and he told me he knew which made it easier with him eventually. He convinced me to tell Mom and then to tell Dad (divorced) When I told Mom she said she already knew and when I told Dad he said he had thought I was but wasn't sure. Big Bro was with me when I told them. Made it easier and all 3 of them told me they still love me the same. And for me, for now, they are the only ones who need to know.
     
  15. QuestionMark99

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    A lot of people have good experiences telling a brother/sister compared to parents I think. I've thought about doing that myself but there's still that nagging feeling that it will change everything. I worry too that telling my brother would sorta be a case of giving someone a hold over me that could be used for manipulation should we ever get into a bad argument or whatever - which does happen since we live in the same house. And I don't really want to put myself in a situation where I have to say "I'm telling you, but please don't tell XY&Z...".... It seems a bit like a step forward and a step back at the same time. I'm really glad it's worked out for you though, even having one person to talk about things must be a great relief.

    I don't blame you for keeping things quiet. Get your education etc. and then reevaluate the situation and make the best decision for your future from there. It may be better then and you'll feel more independent and free to be yourself whatever the outcome.

    Your mention of your father being in denial is similar to how I'm feeling myself right now as noted in my original post. It's difficult to imagine they all don't know already... I mean, WHAT? Which is why it puzzles me so much when people close to me say these semi-ignorant things. It's either a case of hoping to keep me living in the closet or a case of deep denial. Either way it really hurts and always kicks me back a few paces.

    I always fear confrontations like this but I guess it could be helpful if the person does it in a careful and from the heart kind of way where it's not about exposing you, but about allowing you to let them in. It sounds like you have a great friend in your brother! That's pretty special.
     
  16. Dungeon

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    That is kinda the same thing that happened to me. I am 14 now, but my mom asked me before I realized that I wasn't straight (still not sure what I am). It would be super awkward to come out if I don't even know my sexual orientation, at least I fell it would be, so I think that if someone in my family were to bring it up I could tell them.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jul 2016 at 05:23 AM ----------

    This was in response to Totesgaybrah