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How to respond to being correctly "misgendered"

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Rickystarr, Jun 23, 2016.

  1. Rickystarr

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    I just got called sir by a cashier. This doesn't happen too often. I am not actually attempting to pass as male yet, I just look and dress masculine. Of course when this happens, I get really happy for a second then anxious as I wait for them to inevitably correct themselves and apologize. This time the guy didn't make it too awkward. Just said "I said sir and I apologize," then changed the subject quickly. Didn't even make a point of calling me ma'am when I left. I just said "It's cool," and tried to look really chill and smile.

    I always feel really bad when this happens because it makes me feel really good at first, but it makes whoever said it feel really bad and awkward.

    How do you react when this happens (when you aren't living publicly as your true gender and it is very obvious your biological sex up close/when you speak)? I've yet to come up with a better response than "It's cool". I wish there was a way to really convey that you didn't hurt my feelings, in fact you made my day. Don't correct yourself, please, please. Without having to directly say I am trans or have a weird drawn out conversation.

    Suggestions? Experiences? I was thinking of just saying something like "I'm used to it,"?
     
    #1 Rickystarr, Jun 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2016
  2. Kiran

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    "Nothing to apologise for. I'm a sir!" :grin:
     
  3. Rickystarr

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    Once I can pass even a little bit up close I would be happy to say that, but at the moment that would just mean outing myself to strangers all the time. :/
     
  4. Delta

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    I'd say something like "Don't correct yourself, you were right the first time." :slight_smile:
     
  5. alittlemore

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    I can't think of any way to make them understand that they've made your day... not without explaining your whole situation/life story :/ If it happened to me, I would say something like "don't worry about it" to make them feel more at ease. "I'm used to it" is also a good choice, but I personally wouldn't use it because I'd be worried it would get them more confused/curious (and since I don't want to come out to anyone yet, I'd rather not have them thinking too much about it). Basically, I think the most important thing is for you to feel comfortable. Even though they might feel a bit awkward or bad at first, they are probably going to forget this happened pretty soon, while you are not. So I'd focus on making you feel okay in that situation.

    I'm still new at this and still questioning my identity and all that, so sorry if I wasn't very helpful! Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  6. Aberrance

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    Random people that have no solid role in my life I don't bother correcting or saying anything to. If they do 'correct' themselves it makes me feel like shit but I just say 'its fine' and go ahead with my day without dwelling on it too much. You can be almost certain that you're going to be thinking about the correction more than they will. People like cashiers see so many people every day that you're just another nameless face in the pool that will be forgotten by tomorrow. Stressing doesn't do any good just try to forget about it.
     
  7. AmyBee

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    Yeah, I haven't thought of anything better than, "It's cool" or a simple, "Thanks!"
     
  8. darkcomesoon

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    "Don't worry about it", "it's fine", and "it's cool" are all fine responses. The person who "misgendered" you isn't going to think about it for long after you're gone, so unless they're the sort of person who's apologizing a million times, you don't have to make a big deal out of it. If they are the sort of person who apologizes profusely and thinks they've really offended you, just say that you get it all the time, and it really doesn't bother you because you know you look masculine, you expect some people to be confused by that, and you don't blame them for it.
     
  9. Rickystarr

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    Yeah, I've been a cashier (a lot) and I personally would feel bad about it forever. That's why I avoid using gendered terms at all costs unless absolutely necessary. That's probably because of my own relationship to gender though. I've never been offended by being called sir, even before I knew I was trans, but being called ma'am ruins my whole day every time. So perhaps I overestimate the effect this would have on cis people...

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2016 at 01:02 AM ----------

    Almost makes me wonder how I was in denial about being trans so long since I distinctly remember hating being called ma'am or anything similar as early as 16 years old.

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2016 at 01:14 AM ----------

    Being given the advice to simply not stress on it is not very helpful since I am going to stress on it regardless lol. However, in a way being told that they are going to forget about it soon does help a bit. Maybe it is a symptom of how fucked I am, but I don't like my gender presentation to make others uncomfortable. Prolly part of why I've been hiding so long. Definitely actually.

    ---------- Post added 24th Jun 2016 at 01:19 AM ----------

    And I deal with this in bathrooms a lot too. I use the women's restroom if necessary (never used the men's yet. Just don't pass at all up close. Waiting for hormones) and I'd say 10% of the time using a public restroom, some old half blind woman will come in and see me at the sink at make a distressed noise, walk the fuck out, and come back in after checking the sign, the apologize profusely to me. I just am not the type to not give a fuck. Do I just need to become that person?? Idk if I have it on me. I can't handle awkward social situations at all.
     
    #9 Rickystarr, Jun 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2016
  10. Rickystarr

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    And btw, I have NEVER been called sir witgout subsequet correction. I look like a guy from far away only and it is super rough. >.<
     
  11. AmyBee

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    Yeah, I try not to assume gender no matter how the person is presenting. I mean, cashiers can be polite without saying "Sir" or "Ma'am," right? Like, "Thank you for shopping with us!" gets me every time. I always just smile back and no one has to make any assumptions about anyone's identity.
     
  12. GenderSciFi

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    I don't know if you would actually out yourself all that much if you just said : "Sir is fine with me (, too)." I mean, I don't know what customs about gender are where you live, but in my world, people wouldn't really think twice about it, they'd probably just put you somewhere in the queer spectrum. Maybe it could actually get them thinking about the way they gender people casually every day. I know that most people here wouldn't think "Oh, that's a trans man". More like "Oh, that's a person that doesn't care much about gender norms." And since you already pass as some kind of masculine person anyway, what's the harm?
     
  13. Rickystarr

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    Yeah, I am clearly masculine presenting so it always baffles me when people act like I should be offended that they called me sir. I know what I look like