6 Months ago i entered my first lesbian relationship. It was with my best friend and everything has been perfect. Until then I would have identified as straight and so this was quite a big step for myself. I had never even looked at girls really but then I think I fell in love with the friendship and everything worked out. So for a while I rolled with it, enjoyed the company, everything was just normal to me. Then the overthinking began in which I just thought about every possible scenario and some things so far in the future that might seem a little crazy. So I would think if this was actually me? Was I missing out on things in a straight relationship? It should be noted that I had told my mum about the relationship and a close friend of mine and they were completely accepting. My mum was probably seeing it slightly like an experiment but still overall supportive of the matter. I would overthink about marriage, kids, whether I would lose my best friend in the long run, how the rest of the family would react. I have done well at school/college/uni and so I feel this is going against what I should be doing and not the perfect child for my dad etc. I am just struggling all round. Now the relationship would be perfect when we were together and we never had any arguments, however i would say every 2 weeks i would have a mental breakdown by myself questioning all these thoughts and thinking about when i could end it or how long i would have to wait til it fizzled out. The last 2 weeks I just spent at her house and we went out every day etc doing couple things and everything was great. However the thoughts came one night and i freaked out that much that I ended it. In that moment thats what I wanted. But then for 3 days straight I cried, she was devastated as well. I couldn't go home as I was waiting for transport ( 4 hours drive!!) and we had tickets booked for the 3 remaining days. It was hard. I spoke to my mum and she supported the decision and said see how you are for a couple of weeks. However I didn't want to mess her around and say yeah i might be okay with in in a couple of weeks. Now the regret - I thought i would have felt relief but not so much! All I can think about now is being with her for the rest of my life and that I have ruined everything. Is there any advice on what to do? Should I wait a bit? Who should I talk to? What about the rest of my family?
Hey I'm not sure how helpful this will be but I'll try my best It sounds like you are overthinking, as you know. I think that an idea might be to sit down with yourself and write all you feelings down. Ask yourself why you like this girl. Is it a really good friendship or is there a romantic aspect? Maybe talk to her about these feelings, if you feel up for it. I would definitely say that you have to sort your head out before getting back with her, if thats what you decide to do. One thing i do know for sure is that you're not alone with the overthinking; i have a friend who is recently out and in a relationship already, and he always voices doubts to me that what if hes just pretending to be gay and is his partner the right person for him and how will the future turn out? But the thing is, youve just got to take it one day at a time, and rememeber that decisons about the future can be made later, because youve got all the time in the world If this wasnt helpful, I'm sorry but I do think everything will be okay in the end so all the best of luck to you, I hope everything turns out okay
I think it is important that you go slow here. When things are hectic and people panic, they tend to make poor choices. Here are my thoughts: 1. If you rush back to her you are going to have the same thoughts/problems. You may be happy in the short run, but it is just a matter of time before the same issues happen again. There is always a chance it will be solved, but more likely it won't. If you are truly concerned with losing her, I would have a conversation saying that you need some time, and maybe she will wait, maybe she wont. Unfortunately that is a risk you run and nobody here can see the future. I wish we could. It will be very very hard no doubt. Maybe it will take a day to figure out, maybe a year. Just be open with her and you've done everything you can. 2. Try to not focus on the distant future. Often, everyone gets so caught up in living in the future that they forget to be happy now. The relationship to me seemed healthy, functional, and overall good for you. The bouts of unhappiness were brought on by your thought processes, often about future issues you have no control over. There are ways around kids, family, and almost anything else that you've mentioned. It is merely a matter of learning to deal with it. But try to be more aware of the moment and less focused on 5-10-20 years from now. You will find the amount you care changes and things work out. As others have suggested, maybe writing things down or talking to a counsellor may help you learn to change how you think. 3. If your feelings are genuine, then they are what they are. Make yourself happy. You deserve it. Hope that helps. Sorry if it wasn't the answer you were looking for.
Do keep in mind that all of your doubts were due to societal expectations...the doubts don't seem to have much to do with the girl herself. You're wanting to live for everyone else. Take all others out of the picture and honestly consider what would be best for *you*. Keep in mind that the others will still be there for you in life...your parents have already expressed this. They are not going to leave you if you marry a woman one day. So relax, and think about yourself. Take some more time to figure things out. Think about what *you* need. Maybe you only love her as a friend and simply fear losing her friendship...think about these things.
