Finally accept I'm gay--I think

It truly is saddening to think that you have had to go through all that simply because of your sexuality.

Thank you for sharing in such detail. So much of our stories are similar, and yet there are differences that are enlightening. Your description of not being able to crush on the opposite sex is definitely different than my experience. I certainly have crushed on the opposite sex, and it was not forced. In fact, if I had to say, as of now, it is easier for me to crush on women then on men. But this could be because I have allowed myself to do so, and once I open up to my attraction to men, crushing on them will come easier.

Also, your experience in sex of coldness and deadness is also not very similar to mine. I have had very passionate times with women, but as I have mentioned, even these times have had senses of frustration and discomfort surrounding the event. Albeit I have also had times where I did have to force it, but these times could have been more simply not being in the mood. Strangely though, I didn't feel these feelings with the same sex. It is more from the emotional side of things surrounding sex that my discomfort comes. I am paranoid of her emotions, and often get upset with her and myself for no reason. I don't feel this at all with the same sex. It's simply easier and more free.

It is totally understandable why you have come to understand yourself as homosexual. It is a particularly thing about maleness that brings coldness. You could even love a man emotionally, but there seems to not be a physical pull even if the emotional pull is there.

You mentioned that when you are interested in a woman, you get protective and jealous. Have you ever been with a man whom you felt you wanted you to be the protector in the relationship ? A man who wants you to protect him and care for him, possibly in a way that is usually the more traditional male role toward the female? I only ask, because as I have been examining myself, I think it is possible that some of my sexual frustration with women may come from the fact that I want to be able to feel feminine sometimes with a woman, and I think it particularly comes out sexually.

And when I feel like I can't be feminine with her or it would turn off the whole situation, this may get me frustrated. Your situation may be completely different, but I can't help but wonder, as you made me wonder earlier, if some of your discomfort with men has been at your hiding a great part of yourself from them? None of this may be the case at all, and I truly understand why you say you are homosexual. I guess what I don't fully understand emotionally since I don't experience it, is that you have been able to have love for a man, but are not physically attracted. Maybe that is one difference between a bisexual and homosexual and heterosexual. There is a physical "deadness" that is simply unexplainable except that one is not drawn or attracted to the sex that causes the deadness, and thus, can not have intimate sexual relationships that are true to the person's heart and desires.

For me, I think I am going to start dating other types of women. Women that would be okay with me being also attracted to males, and also women that would be comfortable, and possibly even into me, wanting to at times be desired and pursued. In the meanwhile, I am open to also finding a good guy, and I am looking forward to trying to date him if he is found.

I am going to have to change some of expectations for a lover, but this might not be bad. It might be that my expectations for a lover led me towards that type of woman that was not good for me. Maybe I needed to change what I want out of a lover in order to find the comfortable, natural, intimacy I desire. These are my current thoughts, but I am evolving daily in my understanding of my sexuality that I had supressed for so long.

I truly do hope you find love and peace in your relationships. Both with men and women. Even if you are homosexual and end up with a woman lover, I hope you are still able to love men as you have been able to in the past, even though there is not the romantic and sexual element.

---------- Post added 21st Jun 2016 at 09:47 PM ----------

I have struggled with arousal with women, but most the time I have not. I think some of these struggles might have been that I simply was not in the mood. But I will say that I have not had these same arousal problems with males. However, I have had much more sex with women so it isn't a fair comparison. The lack of arousal doesn't really disturb me, because I have had many times where I was easily aroused, so I personally have attributed it to situational lack of simulation.

However, what I would say, is though I physically do not have a problem with women, I emotionally do, especially when connected to sex. So it is like I have had a problem with emotional arousal. And this has been what has disturbed me. That I always feel uncomfortable eventually with a woman. But I am learning more and more this might have to with other things beyond a lack of sexual attraction, which it seems I obviously have.

 

Guess I really missed the boat on all that. My apologies. I guess I misunderstood your inability to accept your homosexuality with a still questioning of it. I hope you learn to accept it as well, and I hope that people accept you and make you feel good about yourself.