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Sex therapist told me that this is probably all in my head

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jun 17, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Husband and I visited a sex therapist today for his issues.

    She said some stuff I agreed with, but also said that because of my "mommy" issues, that this is all in my head. Just fantasy. She said if I were to actually try and date a woman, a lesbian would eat me up alive (not in a good way) and I would either attract someone who would "destroy me" or someone very timid and clingy.
    She said I'm idealizing this, although I displayed some "tendencies" in my youth. Said I can get what I need from my husband and because I've never been with a woman, she doesn't think I would like the dynamic of a woman-woman relationship; she said it's push and pull, one more dominant and controlling, game playing, conflicts arising because of our hormones being the same and "women knowing each other better."

    It sounded awful.

    She said my homework assignment is to go to a gay bar w/ husband in tow, and watch real lesbians and bisexuals. Sounded like visiting a zoo, watching lions in their habitat. Oh sh-t! Stay back...one might eat me alive (as she said).

    I have the crocodile hunters voice stuck in my head: Crikey! There's an attractive feminine bisexual about to make a kill...I'm going to touch her!

    After I settle on a decision of being bisexual, stuff like this happens and she's a doctor. Why can't I just like who I like?

    Now I'm uber confused again. Maybe it's all in my head? Ugh...
     
    #1 caliwoman, Jun 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2016
  2. BrookeVL

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    Honestly, from what I've read in your posts, it isn't in your head. She IS right about going to a gay bar with hubby though, I DO think that would be good for you.
     
  3. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thanks Cluster. Maybe I'll try and have him go.
     
  4. Creativemind

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    Sounds like she's not a good therapist if she's telling you that. You may want to find one more sensitive to LGBT rights in the future (of course of understanding your husband's side as well). My therapist is bisexual and open-minded about these sort of things, which has helped.
     
  5. womaninamber

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    I agree with the above. She doesn't sound like a good therapist. Those are some pretty weird things to say to be honest with you.
     
  6. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thanks guys. She said I can get the intense connection that I desire w/a woman, through friendship. I don't know if I can.
     
  7. Distant Echo

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    She is a bad therapist. Simple. She doesn't get to Invalidate you like that.
     
  8. Katchoo

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    "Um, yeah, of course it's in my head. That's why I came to a mental health therapist instead of a physical therapist. Now, how about you do your job and help me work through my actual problems."

    A therapist saying it's all in your head and then doing nothing is the equivalent of a dermatologist telling your that melanoma is all in your skin. Dismissive as hell, and potentially harmful by dismissing and neglecting important topics. Full disclosure, I say this as a therapist. That therapist is not doing their job. Bisexual erasure is not supposed to happen in the therapy room.

    Really, the shit she is saying sounds too much like the "nice" church people associated with the really hurtful ex-gay ministries I was involved in. Nope, nope, nope. That shit is harmful.
     
    #8 Katchoo, Jun 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2016
  9. RosePetals76

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    That's not even close to her place to say. Of course it's all in your head, that's where all feelings arise from, but they are still very valid. It's true that some lesbians would "eat you alive" as they have me. But others are kind, supportive, sweet women. I'm sure your therapist would've said the same to me, but I've found its definitely the right direction for me. You have to follow your own heart.
     
  10. caliwoman

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    Katchoo,

    Thanks for reassuring me. It didn't feel right.

    Rose,

    What do you mean "eat you alive"? What happened to you? I guess I don't get it.
     
  11. RosePetals76

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    Well, I've had some say they won't date me because they only date gold stars like themselves. Others have told me that I'm not really a lesbian because I was married to a man before, etc. There's a lot of judgement and cattiness amongst some groups.
     
  12. HereWeGo

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    Nothing new to add, but just another voice to say, that this sounds like a horrible therapist and you might want to try someone else. Sounds like she's trying to scare you away from your true feelings. Sorry you had such a bad experience.
     
  13. YeahpIdk

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    1. She is a bad "therapist."
    2. She is not LGBTQ+ friendly, at all.
    3. She sounds like a fucking idiot.
    4. She sounds like she's a lesbian who can't hack it.
    5. She sounds like a woman who doesn't respect women.
    6. She sounds like she's too old, too religious, or both.

    I'm sorry this happened to you, but you need to let all of these things go in one ear and out the other. First, let's just talk about her language regarding your same sex thoughts - "you're confused because you have mommy issues." Uh, RUN. She just told you exactly how she thinks of the gay community: we're all confused about who we find attractive because we're emotionally damaged. She, like many other people who are too old or too religious, demonize and diminish LGBTQ+ issues as an underlying psychological disorder. Not only should you not go back to her, but I'd bitch her out over the phone and then report her...to someone. I don't know where you can report morons to.

    And let's talk about mommy issues, because say you do have them. There's no validity there, and when it comes to this argument over anything that this argument happens to surface around, you can argue both sides really effectively: you have mommy issues so you're looking for a female to replace that damaged relationship. You have daddy issues so you don't know how to have healthy relationships with men, therefore you want to be with a woman. Damned if you do/damned if you don't. As well, this is a continuation of more ignorant and stupid thoughts this person happens to have about the gay community, like that it's not who you inherently are, your environment made you gay. Like, what makes people have a foot fetish? Did someone not allow them to take their shoes off for their entire life or something?? Was it because their parent used to hit them with a shoe?

    All I can say is, seriously forget about this entire thing. You don't need to re-question yourself, but even if you want to and wind up doing it, I'm sure you'll come to the same conclusion: you're attracted to women. And maybe you would be able to work it out with your husband but he's not providing what you need, so you're wondering and fantasizing about other people, but they happen to be women. Keyword: women.

    I strongly advise against even going back to her. This isn't therapy. No normal therapist would be so dismissive or blunt with regard to what you stated. Therapy is about examining thoughts and understanding actions. There are therapists who suck and shouldn't be one, and there are a million others who are great. Forget this freak.

    PS. When she said that a woman would eat you alive, you should have been like, ":wink: :wink:" and nodded.
     
  14. biAnnika

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    This strikes me as homophobic and/or all about her. Did she really say or imply that the butch/fem or Dom/sub stereotype is universal?? Head games? She should look in the mirror. Conflicts because of hormones...that would make it sound like all lesbian relationships are doomed...or inherently conflictual. I've been with my partner for 30 friggin years...we are egalitarian and very low-conflict. Simply put, she either doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, or she has a vested interest in discouraging you.

    Either way, I agree that she sounds like a crappy therapist. And I'm not even sure about the gay bar idea...you'll see *some* kinds of bi/lesbian behavior there, but far from the range of what is possible (imagine if you'd never dated a guy, trying to understand what life with a guy would be like by spending a night in a singles bar...reality...but not reality). Worth going...but worth taking what you see with an enormous grain of salt.
     
  15. dirtyshirt84

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    Sorry this happened to you. I agree with everyone else in that she doesn't sound like a good therapist and she also sounds like she has her own agenda.

    Its so hurtful when someone invalidates your sexuality or your feelings or both. I mean you know who you are attracted to.

    I would look for a therapist specialising in LGBT issues.
     
  16. Chip

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    There are a lot of bogus sex therapists. The only credible ones have a proper degree in psychology, social work, or counseling, are licensed as a mental health therapist, and have additional training and certification in sex therapy.

    A credible therapist would NEVER tell you what you are or are not, discourage you from exploring your feelings, or cut off your belief. Run, don't walk, from this therapist.

    I am seriously considering compiling a list of terrible therapists based on people's experiences, to know who not to refer people to.
     
  17. AmyBee

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    Yes, that sounds awful and not very therapeutic at all. A therapist is supposed to confuse you more or make you feel bad about yourself? No thanks.
     
  18. mirkku

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    Aw, Cali, my heart aches for you. What an awful thing to say from a therapist - when and how did she ever get her license?
    I hope you already feel a bit better by now, but yeah, you might want to ditch such an unprofessional woman. Yikes.
     
  19. Vasriia

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    I guess the first question I would have is, how does she know a real lesbian would eat you alive? Does she have intimate personal experience in the matter? Or is she working from a preconceived stereotype? Am I missing a third option for where she could have come by this information?
     
  20. BrookeVL

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    I agree with everyone Cali, she's terrible, and you shouldn't go back to her. You can invalidate and question yourself all on your own(I certainly do), you don't need someone else to do it for you.