Hello all, I hope someone can help me out here. I have no one to talk to about this. I'm a 29 y/o man and I've been struggling with my sexuality for a while now. I'm tired of putting it in the back of mind and pretending it isn't an issue. I've never had a real relationship, just casual sexual encounters and dates here and there. These experiences are what made me realize something was different. I'd always found women attractive, often sexually but when it came down to sexual experiences... it was fine until it came to her genitalia. I love a women's appearance, her physique, and personality, but something about a woman's groin just repels me. It's just not my cup of tea but I can tough my way through it if I have to. It always ends in hurt feelings, which is unfair to her. The emotional connection is never there, either. I don't get the 'feeling' in my stomach when I meet a great woman. I'm still drawn to her though. On the opposite side, I've always had an intense 'thing' for men's genitalia--I fantasize a lot. I love men's faces and I appreciate a man's physique. But something about guys, they just don't catch my eye like women do. Maybe it's social conditioning? I don't know. Regarding personality, I could easily see myself with a man. I remember thinking when I was younger, "It would be so much easier If I could just do everything with a guy, but that would be gay and I'm not gay." I've always had a hard time in the men's locker rooms keeping myself from getting aroused--I thought nothing of it going to the local pool when I was 12 y/o, but it terrified me as I got older. I've kissed and fondled men before and I liked it, but I felt ashamed. There's nothing wrong with what I was doing, but I still felt 'dirty.' Off and on, I've thought, "Maybe I'm bisexual? That's a good enough answer, and that will shut every one up." My family and close friends are pretty convinced I'm gay and in denial. Regardless, is it me? I don't know if I just enjoy being around women and am more reserved around men, which is why I don't look at them as much as I do women. Well, that and you can get badly hurt looking at a man (straight or not) the wrong way. What prompted me to really deal with it now was the book "It Gets Better." One of the authors mentioned that she never felt a connection with men. I just about fell on the floor in the bookstore when I read that. For so many years, I've had that same feeling and voiced it to my friends as well. My instinct tells me that asking myself these uncomfortable questions is a good thing and I know these are questions I have to answer for myself. If anyone has any suggestions or experiences they'd like to share, I'd really, truly appreciate it.
Me and you are in a very similar situation, I like yourself am not the biggest fan of a woman's body. I always pictured doing life with a woman, and the first time I had straight sex it just didn't do it for me. I thought maybe it was the person I was with. Then, I did similar things with another woman and realized I'm just not a big fan. I finally got the courage to have sex with a man, and let me tell you it was a complete polar opposite. I enjoyed every second of it. I'm not "out" and it's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but it's what I like. If you met me in real life you would never guess it, I expect more than a few people to be shocked, when I come out. For me, the biggest struggle has been the mental part. Is it wrong? What will others think?
I can relate to a lot of this! I'm 22 and I can't feel content labeling myself as "gay" because I still have some sort of attraction towards women. I want to be Bisexual but deep down I think I'm only sexually attracted to guys... My problem is I havn't gone out into the world enough. Havn't met enough guys/girls in my life to understand feelings towards people of different genders. You mention locker rooms... When I was in school One of the boys in our class had developed a lot earlier than the rest of us. I looked down at him and saw a bush of hair and I shouted something out and I THINK i even pointed at his balls. It was embarrassing and I blocked that memory out. I just remember feeling shamefull and stupid. I let myself "slip" and I wonder if that was why I repressed my sexual feelings up until I was 20. I also relate to Jmillers post above... Sex with a girl did nothing for me, i thought it might of been just not the right girl.. When I fooled around with a guy, an hour felt like 5 minutes and I loooved it. Great fun!
Hey. There are a lot of straight guys who love everything about a woman, but find woman's genitals disgusting. That's one thing to consider. You said guys don't catch your eye the way women do. It could be social conditioning like you said, added with women being generally more beautiful than men. What is this connection which you don't have with men ? Could you try to describe it ? You feeling dirty after an experience with a guy has more to do with the society. You grow up learning a boy is supposed to be with only a girl, you grow up seeing negative attitudes towards homosexuality. That's more likely why you felt dirty & ashamed. So I don't think that should have a role as a determinant of your orientation. In the end, only you can decide. You understand yourself most.
Personally I don't see a need to label oneself. I have a hard time thinking of myself as gay, straight or whatever. I just "am." (Based on past experiences, you'd probably label me as "gayer than not.") If you aren't comfortable with a label, just don't use it and be yourself.
I can relate to a lot of what you describe (not all, however, seeing as I'm a lesbian). I very much admire beautiful men, and in several instances I thought I had feelings for them. But I never really understood the appeal of male genitalia, and was always peculiarly drawn to women, especially visually. I've always checked out women waaayyyyy more than men, although it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out why. I would guess that you're gay, but ultimately only you can know that. You also could totally be bi, with varying preferences.
I can relate to this post too - I've never enjoyed sex with men. (And like with you, things weren't so bad until it came to intercourse...) I've never tried sex with women though so I'm not sure what the difference would be. On the other hand I've been in love with men, and I definitely feel that I had a connection to my ex-husband, so that's different than what you're describing. I mean to be honest it sounds to me like you're gay, but as said above only you know for sure and you don't have to feel pressure to know for sure.
Jmiller85: I agree with you regarding the mental struggle—that’s what prevented me from dealing with it for so long. I would immediately become tense and anxious most times I’d visit locations frequented by the LGBT community or even just interacting with LGBT people on an individual basis. Fortunately that hasn’t been the case for a while. I just needed to relax and go with the flow. Mowgli: I’m sorry to hear about your experience when you were younger. That very well could have caused you to repress your feelings. I’ll argue that it is no different than any other painful experience and most people (myself included) distance themselves from it. Thinkreal93: You're insight is very helpful. I agree with you regarding your statement about straight men disliking a woman’s genitals. That is one of the things that caused me confusion. The connection I have is with men and not women—sorry I read my post again and realized that section may have been misleading because I was relating my own experience with someone who identifies as a lesbian's. To answer your question with this in mind, it feels intense, anxious, and unstable when I’m interested in a woman. With men, it develops slowly and feels more calm. This may sound silly, but its like comparing the lighting of a firework with starting up an engine. You’re absolutely right about social expectations. My father was severely homophobic and voiced his opinions regularly. His brother (my uncle) is openly gay and frequents “leather bars.” He also has cognitive disabilities. My dad would never refer to him as his brother and he would brag to anyone and everyone about the times he and his other brother would abuse him. They were quite cruel to him and these altercations often resulted in hospital visits. It always made me sad to hear him say things like that. The way he said these things, it was like he thought everyone would be proud him. Miaplacidus: I admire your outlook on life; it’s very encouraging! the mom friend: Women are quite beautiful, and it’s hard not to turn one’s head with the way many carry themselves. I’m a little embarrassed how long it’s taking me too—I feel like I should have had this figured out ten years ago. Thanks for you advice! womaninamber: If you have the opportunity to, you should take advantage of it. Life it short! Thanks for you advice!
That's really interesting because that is kind of how I feel about women and men, except with the genders reversed.
I think there are a lot of factors. I personally think women are attractive, but I do not want to do anything sexual with them. Like you, its fine till were to the vagina. I get along with women a lot better as well and build stronger connections to them easily. But over time when I have been more open about myself, I began to trust guys more and develop better relationships with them. I would say the best thing to do is to go on a date with a guy a few times and see how that makes you feel. (Different guys). Because if you feel that click and connection, then you have your answer. Just be honest with the guy though if you decide to go this route!
Jake8188: Well said! I do need to put myself out there more. Despite living in a very LGBT-friendly area, I have to be very careful as I work for a very conservative organization. It feels like stepping back in time thirty years every morning when I walk in. I don't want to blow my cover. I'm also fairly "popular" figure at work, and I don't want the gossip to start any sooner then necessary. That's unavoidable, I know. I just want to be sure of myself first.
To the original poster, your story is very much my own. The second paragraph especially sounds like me. Since 12 or so, I'd always had an attraction to guys. At 14 I fooled around with one and felt incredibly ashamed. For almost a decade I dated girls, but found it hard to be with a girl. Sex wasn't all that huge for me, and when my last girlfriend practically begged for me to perform oral on her I almost puked and faked an upset stomach. That was one of my lightbulb moments that made me realize how much of my sexuality was repressing: namely all of it. Like you, I find girls pretty, but I really don't experience sexual thoughts about them. If you are indeed gay, once you start being with guys you'll likely find that the bout of low sexual libido goes away. I thought there was something wrong with me when I was with girls. Turns out, no, there's not!
Ibrake4Ramen, if a male finds female genitalia repulsive, that's pretty reliable sign that he's not, to put it mildly, completely straight. Because truly straight males adore sight, smell and taste of female genitalia, of course provided that these organs are clean and healthy. Go and ask any average hetero bloke ... From what you've written about your sexuality, I would conclude that you're either gay or bisexual, leaning to the gay side. Unfortunately, it's also clear that you're burdened with strong internalized homophobia and you will have to deal with it as soon as possible.
