I think one of the battles I'm still having trouble with is a need for validation. I feel like I'm growing stronger, more confident, but there's still a small part of me that has a nagging need for validation. My feelings after the responses to my Facebook posts sort of helped me see this. First, putting myself out there, honestly and candidly, was very freeing. Even before getting responses, I felt strong and proud. Then I got supportive responses, and I felt warmth and happiness. But there were two people who didn't respond, and as crazy as it is, it really started nagging at me. (Note: obviously there were lots of people who didn't respond, which is no big deal, I'm focused on these two) ..it's my two former best friends who are gay who knew me from around 18-28 (well one of them, the other from like 22-26). First there's no evidence that they're not being supportive, who knows if they haven't seen it? And second, there's evidence to the contrary - I did come out to one of them recently and he was super supportive. But why do I even feel the need for anyone's approval? And why am I so focused on those 2 friends??? I want to look st that issue a little bit and try to understand the reasons behind it. I think that the issue lies in one of my many layers of shame I've been shedding bit by bit since this journey started. These layers looks something like this: There's the core shame: my sexual abuse resulted in a deep shame of my body, sex, my feelings of vulnerability, my inaction and passivity, my insecurity in asserting myself, my fears, my sense that I was different, isolated, alone, that I was different, weird, a freak, a misfit. Wrapped nicely all around that was shame in my growing awareness of my sexuality. Not necessarily being attracted to girls, just sexuality in general. It was powerful, dangerous, dirty. (I think this layer is a result of the first shame) Then the next layer is my shame about my feelings for girls. This was just another thing that made me different, a freak, dirty. (This layer of shame was largely resulting from the first two). Then, trying to reconcile that with the messages I'd had growing up, positive ones from my most trusted adults, about being true to me, being strong, and messages from my mom that gay is ok. So there was a layer of shame in why can't I accept me? What's wrong with me that I'm so weak and insecure that I can't be comfortable with who I am? Then there's time and experiences through life which lind of added to that last message, the older I got, the less excuse I had to be in the closet. So then there was the feeling of complete inadequacy that I can't just fucking be me. And that led to questions like do I even know who I fucking am???? So.... I think the shame that I'm battling right now, my search for validation, comes from those last two layers of shame. This is where I've gotten to in my introspection... Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any thoughts on this??
Baristajedi: I've done a lot of introspection, or "inquiry" as I call it. Inquiry reveals the layers in our minds, aka self talk … that keep us from living in the moment, being present, open to the universe, & all the amazing possibilities of this incarnation. I acknowledge u for seeing the layers, the clouds that obscure the sky. It's healthy to see the layers, take a breath, & then let go. It's healing - we're less imprisoned by them. Myself, being male, bi, & w a different history … my layers are different than yours, but they still exist, to less & less degrees, as I become aware of them, & see thru them.
Call them and go have a coffee with them. FB is not a place for real validation anyway, it's mostly superficial. For the real deal, get it in person.
this does sound like something I need to do sometimes, see it, acknowledge it, let it go. Maybe in this instance, that's what I need. But the shame itself, the source of this anxiety/need for validation; I feel like I need to address it, because it keeps coming back around. ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 01:59 AM ---------- Well, first C lives in Ireland and J lives in the US, so a personal message might be more what it would come down to, because they're not close enough for a casual coffee. But in fact, I did meet personally with J when I was back home. I came out to him while I was there, we had lunch together and we've exchanges some messages since then. There's no reason I should be wondering if he's not being supportive. He was so supportive when we met and talked. C, I haven't been in contact with. I wonder though, should I really be seeking this validation? I mean, I wonder if I should be focusing my efforts more on accepting this all for myself without looking outward to them for validation.... ?
Hi BaristaJedi, yet another post that I can relate to in many, many ways. One of the things about my past that has puzzled me is the ups and downs. There were periods when I just seemed so content with life and others when I seemed on a such a downer. Each period was maybe a couple of years. One of the up times was when I left school at 16 and spent two years at college. (This followed the school years, which had definitely been down!!!). Unlike at school, where I hugely underperformed academically, at college I sailed to the top of the class – it was a lot of work, but I was enjoying myself. I embraced it with my whole being. Not just college and work, but reading, movies, friends, music, running – a whole lot of stuff. I realise now that that time I was living day-by-day completely in the moment. I wasn’t thinking about the past or worrying about the future. I was just being me. I really didn’t care what anyone else thought about me. I was just on top of the world – my world, my journey undefined by anyone else. It was an incredible time in my life. And you know what, I was doing it all for me. That may sound selfish, but it wasn’t. What I really mean I think is at that time I didn’t want or need anyone else’s validation. For once, I didn’t care a damn what anyone thought. I’m determined to draw strength from that experience. Living in the moment, living for me, and not seeking anyone else’s validation.
I'm currently crazing myself out, so sorry in advance if my anwser doesn't make sense. I definitely relate to the layers. The core: they bullied me for behaving simply wierd, for being an odd female. They told me I'm insane since I was able to articulate what I think. My gender expression - nobody believed, I must have a problem with myself to behave like this. It's not possible that I am a boy, plain and simple, right? Then, sexuality shaming. I'm not sure, I have a feeling I might be not too female in my sexuality, which also contributed to treating me like a pervert. My mom's sex-ed? Oh gosh... Friends? I'm a pervert. Sexuality shaming in general, sex is dirty, you can't talk it. Then, my own unusual sexuality. Add slight level of misandry in my upbringing with women only, because that is "appropriate" for whatever reason. Bisexuality got somewhere on the way, weaved into it all, into my relating to people in general, but I couldn't access it before solving the gordian knot of gender. Me accepting myself... no. Definitely seeing other people around me being themselves pushes me forward. I see it in a way... "Oh, that's possible, i can also do that!" or it pushing me to revise my own feelings that it's bad (ingrained and supported by the environment). And "Do I even know who I fuckin am" - definitely. And definitely, validation, I cannot trust my own feelings, I double check everything I feel, unnecesarily.. Where this is coming from. From environment that taught me to not trust my own feelings and intuition, because I "must have a problem". I'm currently crazing myself out, that's exactly this.
Going back to these two friends you mentioned - maybe because you got along so well with them, you feel the need to be more honest with them than you were before? I don't know if you spoke with them about these issues of feeling shame that you went through, but it seems like you went through some dark experiences, and these 2 friends offered some light and normality to your life, and you feel greteful for the time you spent with them, but regretful for not having the chance to open up completely with them... That's my interpretation of your opening post, any way. There have been people in my life that I felt comfortable with and would like to have opened up with more about certain parts of my life, but the opportunity just didn't come up so I never got to know how they would have responded to my coming out experience, and what impact it might have had on our friendship.... Would we have gotten closer, or would they have distanced themselves from me? Would they have felt any differently about me if I was more upfront about my sexuality - a subject that has meant a lot to me... I've had scenarios about these friendships going through my head that I'll never know for real. It can be frustrating when I find myself longing for conversations with certain people that I'll never have.
I understand the need for validation, especially by someone else that's gay. I don't know many other that are gay in my day to day life, so I really sought out to be validated by the 2 I do know also. My classmate has been pretty good, but sometimes I think I annoy him. His comment last week "Just go out an actu ally enjoy being a lesbian for once!" Makes me think that. The other was a coworker that just quit. She didn't say much, but did say that there's a roller-coaster of emotions to deal with and it takes a while to find your own way and own place. I needed that from her.
I think it's human nature to seek validation when your unsure of yourself. Your still taking baby steps and are early days in your journey; so I would not worry about it. As you continue to build confidence, I would suspect the need for validation may diminish. This was my experience (and we all seek validation in different ways). Have patience, by all accounts your on the right track.
I remember when I first learned to ride a bike. My dad was teaching me (one of the few really good memories I have of him), and eventually, we got to the stage where I had to just start pedaling and go for it. I remember I would look over my shoulder at my dad to see if I was doing it right. I did that so much that I didn't see where I was going and slammed into a parked car. Looking for validation is kind of like that. If all you do is look over your shoulder to see who's supporting you, you'll never see where you're going and wind up crashing into the parked cars at the side of life's road. (Nice metaphor, huh?) Seeking validation is ok as long as a) you're not doing it so much you can't see where you're going, and b) it's not what you base all of your self-worth on. Hope that helps! Morgana
I was sexually assaulted as a teenager. I'm not sure if I feel shame or guilt. In regards to shame, I've been listening to the Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown on my Audible app. Interesting stuff. Didn't know that shame and addiction go hand and hand and in fact, researchers can't tell where one begins and the other ends. They're so intertwined. If I had your email address, I could share the book with you for free, but I think that is against the rules here. I am ashamed of my desire for women, I completely understand you feeling that way as well. There's only three people who know I'm sexually attracted to women: My husband, my therapist, and the woman I fell for last year. Right now, I cannot envision a real relationship with a woman even though I'd probably want one. I lose myself in these intense friendships with deep connection. There is no way that I could possibly stop myself from wanting to be serious with a woman, but that isn't what I have in my head. What I see, which would be the easiest, would be a man, some kids, the house, the career, all of which adapt to the rigors of social conformity. No going against the grain, no fighting the social standards, not once more into the fray... Yet, I find myself spending the last ten minutes of my night watching women kiss (on Youtube videos). It takes my breath away. There is a feeling that catches in my chest of needing that connection and I have to close my eyes and look away. This has never happened with porn or men in general. Then I feel so guilty and ashamed. Women are meant for sisterhood, friendship, and motherhood. And I desire more than that with them. I watched a movie on Netflix yesterday, Bloomington, and I found myself crushing hard on the teacher. I rewound parts that interested me and smiled when she smiled. And then I thought, how did I end up here? I'm sitting at home, by myself, watching a movie about a teacher-student same-sex relationship and longing for that, while my husband is at work. I glanced around at my surroundings and up at the ceiling, as I was trying to take everything in. I'm going down the path of being with a women. It is what I want. And I feel so damn awful about it.
Malcstep, I know exactly what you mean about those times when you're living in the moment and giving no f**ks about what other people think. I've had those times too, and I think what they all seem to have in common for me is - taking risks. Times when I've taken big risks and tried something new that was challenging and exciting, those times were always so rewarding and free. And the risk meant that I was investing in me, putting a lot of faith in myself and investing in a path that I thought would bring me satisfaction. Do you feel like that's similar to your situation? ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 12:03 PM ---------- You've had so much struggle and you've come a long way- I really admire your strength! This feeling of second guessing, it's toxic, isn't it? It can be so discouraging and can really mess with your head. You're making great steps though. All we can do is keep moving forward one step at a time. ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 12:07 PM ---------- You know, this really rings true for me. Maybe it's not only validation I'm looking for. Maybe it's like you said, a regret in not being as honest as I wish I could have been. Something about that time in my life...that was the time I could have really started on my path to being "me". But I don't spend time regretting anymore, because I know that my path was just my path. But perhaps this is a remnant of that regret. ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 12:10 PM ---------- It's hard not to have other hey people on your life. I know o crave more opportunity to build my friendships in the LGBT community. I have had lots of gay and bi people in my life...I think these 2 guys were special; they were very close friends, and being gay, I feel like there's some understanding they might have had to accept me when we were close. ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 12:12 PM ---------- Thanks OTH, that's very validating (I kid, I kid). Really it is very encouraging. It helps to hear that I'm going through a normal phase right now, and that my confidence will continue to grow. I'm taking a deep breath as I write this, and feeling s little better. ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 12:14 PM ---------- Thsnks Morgana, this is really good advice! I think I need to be mindful of this. ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 12:19 PM ---------- Oh caliwoman, I know how you feel. I watch a lot of stuff featuring female love stories, and live a bit vicariously through that too. Shame is so damn toxic, isn't it? You deserve to feel what you feel without that toxic emotion. (*hug*) I've been listening to Brene Briwn too! She's awesome.
