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Right back where I started

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TAXODIUM, Jun 6, 2016.

  1. TAXODIUM

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    This is so frustrating and I am a constant victim of my own self-sabotage because I am trying so hard to give HER what she needs, play it straight, put my own feelings and needs back into the physical, mental and emotional closet where I have stored them away for so damn long that I now feel like a ghost or like I'm an alien inhabiting my own body simply observing everything that is happening with her and life in general.

    I seriously feel like my brain and my emotions have shut completely off and I've anesthetized myself to this life even though I've let her woo me back into sex and this pseudo-straight existence.

    To make matters worse, I still after ONE YEAR am not even remotely over the other married guy (OMG) I fell so deeply in love with, but whose wife confronted him. Last week was the one-year anniversary of D-DAY and guess who checked out my LinkedIn account ? And then again this past Friday ? Yeah. Twice in one week. But I don't dare attempt to reach out to him, because he made it clear to me and to one of our mutual friends that he needs "complete separation" so he can focus on his family. I should be glad to know that at least he hasn't forgotten me, right ?

    What pisses me off is that I KNEW that she would never be able to handle it, that she was too fragile and that she would NEVER let me go. I should have fucking known better and just fought through the depression and never told her. All for fucking naught. This has been all for fucking naught. Because I'm a co-dependent who's can't break away from another co-dependent because I can't bear the responsibility of knowing that I destroyed her.

    I'm an emotional quadriplegic. Stuck.

    Sorry for the outburst... but thanks for listening anyway.
     
    #1 TAXODIUM, Jun 6, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2016
  2. baristajedi

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    Hi Taxodium,

    I'm so sorry to see you feeling this way and struggling so much.

    I think it's time to take a step back and think about what this life is doing to you. In the end, I think it's not only better for you to be honest about your needs, but it's also kinder to your wife.

    I wonder if you could get into couples therapy with someone, with the presence of a professional who can support both of you, and use that space to talk about your sexuality and the impact it's having on you internally to keep it in and squash it down; and also to sort through your wife's feelings and issues in response to this.

    Couple's counselling might help you work through a) opening up the marriage or b) going through separation; if either of those options are something you choose. Another option is for each of you to go separately to therapy and work on your own needs.

    I think it's important you address this sooner than later.

    I'm telling you this out of concern and friendship. (&&&)
     
    #2 baristajedi, Jun 6, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2016
  3. Nickw

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    Hey Taxodium

    So sorry to read of your despair. Take some deep slow breaths.

    Please, for your sake, and your children's, seek some professional counseling as soon as you can. If you are seeing someone, call them and let them know you are having a particularly rough time right now. If you can get your wife to do couples counseling, as Barista suggested, that would be good. But, you need to look after yourself here.
     
  4. Gillian

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    Hi man,

    I know how it feels to be in your situation. To the tee. And it's horrible, and what makes it worse is the guilt you feel over having to cause the disruption in the first place.

    My husband reacted the very same as your wife, and I very much like you. I gave in to him, enabled his behaviour and in a way made things a lot worse for keeping the situation going instead just making the clear cut people told me I should do.

    But the thing was that I was not able to do it because I was fairly certain it would have cause my husband to hurt himself. And no matter how much his own decision it would have been I know myself and the amount of guilt I would have carried from that.

    So I truly symphatize with you and I know how hard it is to be where you are.

    But the thing is, you have to make a decision how you want to live your life. Maybe your decision is to stay with someone who emotionally blackmailed you into staying. Maybe you choose to live against what you feel is right for you because of her. If you choose this do it consciously, and then do your best to deal with the results of that decision - you might get depressed, starts resenting her, become an addict (and I'm now listing only the things that happened to me). Maybe you'll be OK. Maybe you can curb your sexuality and live like this.

    Or maybe you can't. I couldn't. In which case you need to make the decision to change the current situation. It won't happen overnight, and it won't be easy. You will probably need help, as will your wife as others have suggested here.

    For me, I decided to stop giving in. I stopped apologizing for being attracted to women and seeing it as something wrong. I started, very little by little, to hold my ground. I told him that I don't have it in me any more to want straight sex or relationship. But I was there for him, even when he called me names and threw accusations at me. I didn't cut him off, ever. I took all of the abuse and as hard as it was and although maybe not the best approach to everyone, it is now starting to pay off. By holding my ground about my gayness he has slowly came around and accepted it. Not entirely but things look brighter for me than they have in over two years.

    He has apologized for his behaviour and recocnized what he did to me wasn't OK. I don't expect this difficult time to be fully over, knowing him I know he might relapse, but if it happens, I will. Hold. My. Ground.

    People have asked me why I would have endured that and not just delete him from my life. It's because he is a very special person to me and even if I don't want to be with him I still love him. And want him to be OK. So it was my responsibility to be there for him when he fell apart when I took away the future he saw for us.

    So in the end, what I want to say, is that the decision is yours. I know you wish (at least I did) that one day you will wake up and magically things have changed. But it doesn't work like that, and every day you live in this limbo is a day less from your life. I know it sucks but it's sadly how it is.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you luch and hope you keep posting here.
     
    #4 Gillian, Jun 7, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2016
  5. baristajedi

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    Taxodium,

    I haven't shared this before, but maybe it's the right time to do it - my husband also has mental health issues. I can say I totally understand the fear, concern and responsibility you feel for your wife. I'm trying to be cognisant of his needs through all of this, and it has played into the pace at which we do things, but I should tell you - he's managing well. I had to make a decision to put my needs closer to the top of the list. I always took the brunt of things in the past.

    I think the most important thing here is to make sure for your family that both of you are mentally and emotionally well. Please seek counselling. I need it , my husband needs it, and I can see that you and your wife will be more likely to thrive if you seek help from a professional.

    ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2016 at 12:47 AM ----------

    (But make sure it's an LGBT counsellor, that's important)
     
    #5 baristajedi, Jun 7, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2016
  6. HereWeGo

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    TAXODIUM,

    I'm sorry to hear that you're still spinning and in so much agony. Does your wife have any family that can be a support system for her so you can move on? We only get one shot at life. In the big cosmic scheme of things, is your unhappiness worth it?

    Maybe knowing that the other guy is checking up on you is motivation. I know he moved back in with his family, but obviously there's a connection.... Maybe worth exploring, as I'm sure he is suffering like you.
     
  7. FalconBlueSky00

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    It would be nice to catch a break, but sometimes it's only hard decisions in front of us. I'm feeling down too. What do we do with the people who can't care for themselves when we are finally burnt out, with nothing left to give. I've been thinking maybe it's not all on our shoulders alone, but I can't seem to imagine what an outside solution looks like. I always look for your post because you are so expressive with what you are going through, and that's a good thing. I think you will find a answer to your mess in time. Can't tell you why, it just seems like you'll make it through. Hope you have a better day soon.
     
  8. nerdbrain

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    Hey Taxodium,

    What I'm hearing is intense guilt at the prospect of harming someone you perceive as vulnerable. I can identify with that very strongly. When I imagined leaving my wife, I felt like a monster for hurting someone who had done nothing but love me.

    In my wife's case, she has turned out to be OK. I probably overestimated the impact my leaving would have on her.

    I can also identify with the sense of being stuck in an impossible situation, and the incredible frustration and self-loathing that comes with being unable to break free.

    It sounds to me that, if your wife's well-being was not a factor, you'd be ready to come out and live as a gay man. So, at the very least, you can say that you have clarity about the situation: you are making a deliberate choice to stay with your wife and to prioritize her interests above your own.

    I think that first step of owning the choice about one's present circumstances is important.

    Perhaps it may help you think through the possible scenarios more carefully and dispassionately. What would really happen if you left? Is there anyone else who can look after your wife? Could you still have a relationship where you are more of a caretaker than a husband, which allows you to live your own life?

    It sounds like you are in a state of despair that is making it hard to problem-solve in a rational way. You have definitely been handed a shitty situation. But, you still have some power over how you will respond, and you seem to have clarity about what you want. That's an OK starting point for making some changes.

    I hope you are able to find some compassion for yourself as well as your wife, and try to create an outcome that doesn't involve martyrdom.
     
  9. Landgirl

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    This is all such good advice.

    Taxodium, I too was a codependent who couldn't break away from another codependent, so I can really appreciate what you are going through.

    In the end, it was the combination of me being completely burnt out and unable to give any longer, plus the luck of finding an exceptionally good therapist (not LGBT-specific), which eventually prompted me to make the move. It took a year before I was comfortable enough to explore with her the possibility I might be gay, and another 8 months of turmoil with my husband before I moved out.

    Two things in particular stood out for me. The hardest and most depressing feeling for me to handle is whenever I feel frustrated there appears to have been no progress. Working with a therapist for a long time, not just a few sessions, really gives you a sense of perspective, and allows you to appreciate small areas of progress, which gradually over time come to add up to a massive shift, and allow you to believe that you have the power to initiate and cope with change. This is what kept me going, and still does.

    Secondly, one of the most valuable pieces of advice my therapist gave me was not to rely on assumptions, because when they become the norm, lots of valuable evidence, feelings and insight gets missed, and you can end up actually creating the painful reality that you had feared. My husband is currently going through a tough patch, and I think he would benefit greatly from returning to his therapist, which he is refusing to do, but up until recently he was coping better than most people had anticipated he would. I too am coping better than I had anticipated, although it is still tough.

    A few weeks ago, someone asked me if I was happy now. I replied that no, I wasn't, because I am still experiencing problems and am worried about my son, finances, the difficulties of finding and navigating new relationships, the loss of quite a few joint friends, etc. However, I feel I have gained something much more important, which is self-esteem. Happiness comes and goes depending on circumstances which may be outside our control, but it's the underlying sense of self-approval which allows us to cope with all the ups and downs, and gives us the hope that happiness is possible, and I know I would never have achieved that if I had stayed. As HereWeGo says, we only get one shot at life.
     
  10. TAXODIUM

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    As usual, all your insights are excellent. I've had a rough past few days in my head. I tried to get an appt w the therapsit yesterday, but he didn't have anything open until Monday.

    I hate this ebb and flow. I KNOW what I want. I KNOW what I NEED. But like some of you have said, I feel so tied to keeping her safe and secure that I just can't break away. I know this is classic co-dependence. I was an abused child and it was always my role to fix everything. To take the beatings. And I've put myself in that position in this relationship. Note that she is NOT abusive. She is sweet and kind and good and she doesn't deserve this. See ? That's the incessant refrain in my head. Take care of her because she doesn't deserve this because she did nothing wrong. I lied. I cheated. I fell in love with someone else. Ergo I should be the one to be punished. See ?

    I feel like the biggest asshole / wimp ever. If I go, everyone will blame me for destroying her. If I stay, I'm slowly withering and everything is simply status quo.

    So, the therapist is for sure going to earn his money when he sees me Monday.
     
  11. Nickw

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    Taxodium

    I know that you and I have a different situation with our wives. But, I had decided two things before I came out to my wife...one was that I could not stay in an intimate relationship with her if she could not accept me as a bisexual...the other was that I would, somehow, take care of any other needs she had to the best of my abilities.

    Is there some middle ground here? You need to live as a gay man. That does not mean she is on the street either.
     
  12. nerdbrain

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    That right there sounds like it's the crux of the matter.

    You have a pretty rigid sense of right and wrong, with the righteous deserving rewards and the wicked deserving punishment.

    But this situation isn't really about punishment or rewards, is it? The question is whether your partnership with your wife is going to be mutually beneficial in the years to come.

    Maybe you can try to shift your perspective from one of moral judgement to a more pragmatic, problem-solving approach.

    Also, keep in mind that while we promise to love and cherish our partners, we are NOT responsible for them in the way a parent is responsible for a child. Even if your wife has emotional issues, you are not her official caretaker -- unless you want to be. But you most certainly ARE responsible for your own life and your own happiness. There's no one else to do that job.
     
  13. Landgirl

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    You're so right, Nerdbrain. Thinking rigidly in black and white - where everything is good or bad, wrong or right, with nothing in between - means the only two roles you can identify for yourself are hero or villain. Whereas in truth most of us, and most situations, lie somewhere in between. I have only recently started to be able to reframe my beliefs, and am so relieved it comes with time and practice. I used to think that because I didn't achieve the glittering career that had been forecast for me, I must be a failure. The day I asked myself whether I could believe the statement that I have had a moderately successful career, and found that I could apply it to myself without batting it away in disbelief, I burst into tears of relief.

    Also, think what advice we would give another person in these circumstances. If we can show compassion to them, why do we not apply the same rules to ourselves?