For months. Maybe even a year or two now I've been suffering with my sexual orientation. I'm a 16 year old male who usually considers himself straight. My hormones from puberty make me want to watch a lot of porn and I do. But eventually I started getting tired of regular "standard" porn and started to explore other options. Started looking at gay porn and what not. I get a hard on from certain videos containing gay porn, but it takes me like 20-30 mins to even find a video to masturbate to. Most of the videos in the gay category don't even turn me on where as there's a pretty good chance I could find a porn video containing an attractive female within 2 minutes lol. Well anyways. After finding a suitable porn video in the gay category I do my business. In a way I kind of "force " myself to masturbate to it until I finish off. Afterwards I end up feeling guilty and what not, and perfectly straight again. Now this feeling Of being straight could last for weeks and weeks and suddenly I'd have a relapse on to gay porn. When I'm horny and stuff I don't have a problem "being bi" but afterwards I could never see myself with another guy. I'll also say that about 2 years or so ago I experimented with about 3 online boyfriends. I guess it was cool and stuff, I liked it. But I haven't really attempted to "get a boyfriend" since. Since then my attraction has lied only with females with the occasional relapse on to gay porn. I'm not sure if in bi and in denial or perfectly straight and just experiencing a weird phase as I go through puberty. Even still, I've been experiencing this "sexual orientation" switch for about 2 or 3 years now so I'm just wondering how long a "phase" will last. In a way, I kind of blame porn for all of this. Before I started watching porn everything was normal for me. I had no attractions to the same sex until I really started to watch porn and get bored with it and explore other categories of porn. I've got some experiences from my child hood that adds to my "sexual orientation confusion" as well. As a small kid, maybe like 3 or 4 years old I remember when me and my male cousin kissed like once or so. I'm not sure what it was all about or how exactly we got to that point, but I still felt pretty weird about it all and haven't had an experience like that with any males since. I also remember being around my grandma as a kid and I believe I used to ask her to put lip stick on me or something. I also wanted chap stick as well, but my parents never really brought it for me for that exact reason. I also remember me singing a lot of female songs in the car with my mom when I was very little. My dad never really liked that. I'm just unsure about all of this. Its like I was bisexual or something as a kid or maybe just silly, then as I grew up I became solely straight again, and the only feelings I feel for the same sex now is when I get in the mood to watch porn. Also as I was growing up I remember myself hating what happened to me as a kid between me and my male cousin. I used to always wake up wondering if I should tell my parents and how. Once I even also commuted suicide because of it. I believe this Is around the time I developed OCD because I could never let the thought of me and my male cousin kissing, go. Once I got my first girlfriend, everything was alright and dandy. Granted it was an online girlfriend, she sort of brought me out of my shell and made me stopped caring about what I did at such a young age. All of my regret and depression sort of dissapeared at that point. When I'm in the mood to watch porn I am able to watch almost anything and get off to that. If I have gay feelings while horny and then watch straight porn all of my gay feelings usually just go away right after I'm finished with my business. So I don't know what's going on with me. I would really like some feedback, sorry for the long post. Thank you to all that reads this :icon_bigg
Wow man wow.... So ok, first off: porn is an extremely poor judge. Don't let it confuse you. For now, the only thing I can do is ask some questions. Have you ever thought of having sex with a guy and liked the idea of it? Have you ever emotionally liked a guy? Could you see yourself getting a boyfriend? Do you enjoy relationships with women? Does the idea of kissing a guy bother you? You can also take the Kinsey Scale Test, but right now, that's all I can do for you cause your story is pretty confusing...
Hi Many of us explore all sorts of things about our sexuality as we grow up. So, don't over think this. You are still learning and exploring your desires. That's all good. Just stay open to yourself about your feelings and don't try to hide anything from yourself because you think you should be something you aren't. My advice. Stay away from porn for awhile and use your imagination. Having the two dimensional screen portray sexual "options" for you maybe eliminating some of the other dimensions...love, emotion, humor. All these are part of sexuality too. Get out in the real world.
It sounds like you want the beauty of a woman but the tools of a man. Have you tried looking up trans porn? like shemale, tranny or whatever other label they put it as? tbh, you sound like me. You like watching two men going at it, but you really don't want to see the faces or see them kiss though. You miss seeing the woman element in it. I tried looking at everything and I found out I like watching threesome porn with MMF and trans porn. This is what led me to ultimately figure out what I am and what I like. I guess try to use porn as a tool in another way besides masturbation. Watch it and see what you like, then branch off to see what it really is deep down. Finding out what I really like has made those negative feelings start to fade once I finish. and tbh again... Those thoughts are going to be there for a while until you learn to accept yourself. Once you start accepting yourself and stop fighting it finally, you will see those negative feelings disappear. I am only a step or two ahead of you in this game, but I can say that it really does get better and easier as you go and admit it more openly to yourself.
