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It wasn't supposed to happen like this...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Just Call Me Ky, Jun 1, 2016.

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  1. Just Call Me Ky

    Just Call Me Ky
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    First of all I am 17 and a female. My friend was in a relationship with a guy for about 7 months and he broke up with her over text and told her he was too scared to talk to her in person and that she shouldn't contact him. She then told me she was late getting her period and was possibly pregnant and her ex didn't know. A few days later she told me she got her period but it was painful and a lot of blood and it turns out she really was pregnant and had a miscarriage.

    She went to his house to talk to him but when he found out she was there at his house he brought a friend home so he didn't have to talk to her even when she begged him for a minute of his time. Turns out the friend that took her to the doctor told her ex what had happened with the pregnancy and he didn't want to deal with it. We are all only age 17 and we are in 4H so we were all together over the weekend for an event and he approached me telling me that he was so glad I was there for her because he knew she needed someone and he's just a coward.

    She was so stressed the entire day we were at the event that she wouldn't stop throwing up. It was every hour that she would puke and she just had to keep drinking water to throw up because the acid was burning her throat. So all of this is happening to her and I am helping her get back into school to get her GED and my family is supporting her with school but they don't know about the miscarriage.

    Another thing that is important to know is I am crazy in love with this girl. It’s been 5 years of friendship and the last two of those years I have fallen in love with her. Our situation is complicated but she knows kind of how I feel. Before the miscarriage she had told me she was going to go through with the pregnancy and didn't know if she would get too attached to give the baby up for adoption or if she was capable of raising a kid and being a mom at such a young age. I was literally going to help her raise this kid. I would have dropped all of my plans and helped her, even if we were never in a romantic relationship I would have been there.

    I respect her and I think she has an amazing heart and she has so much potential and a bright future. I love her in a way that I want her to have everything she wants and to have the love of her life even if it isn’t me. I needed to vent about all of this because she told me not to tell anyone about her pregnancy and I would never break her trust by telling my best friend or parents no matter how much I want to. All of these secrets are eating at me and I need to have a clear mind in order to help her. She doesn't talk about the baby or what her life would have been like if she hadn't lost it.

    Any replies would be appreciated. I know this is really long, sorry. I just need to know if how to work to make things improve. I want her to know I’m there without pushing it and without making her afraid I want a relationship. I can't risk her losing my family's support because she needs to finish school. 17 is young but I am willing to take advice from others to handle this with maturity and responsibility. Thank you for your time. -Ky
     
    #1 Just Call Me Ky, Jun 1, 2016
  2. PrettyinPunk

    PrettyinPunk
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    Hi there Ky. I want to say I'm sorry for the situation you and your friend are in. I know it must be highly stressful for you two right now.

    You sound like your staying strong for your friend and providing great support. So long as you continue to be there, listen, maybe give gentle advice, your doing the best you can. Your friend is most likely in a very vulnerable state. The fact that she hasn't really talked about the loss of the baby might be a factor of grief. I suggest being patient and giving her time to cope, but if her behavior starts changing negatively I'd urge her to seek professional help. A doctor she feels comfortable with, counselor, teacher, therapist etc. Instances like these can sometimes only get better by discussing them.

    You might want to mention to her that your worried for her and the secrecy of the situation is also hurting you. If she could maybe talk it through with someone it may help the two of you.

    Concerning your feelings for her, I'd advise in her delicate state to not mention them. I'm sure it's difficult especially when she's in pain like this to not tell her or act on your feelings. But at this point in time it might be too much extra stress. When things have gotten more stable, I'd say go ahead and be honest.

    That's all I can really say. I wish you and your friend the best. (*hug*)
     
    #2 PrettyinPunk, Jun 1, 2016
  3. Just Call Me Ky

    Just Call Me Ky
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    Thank you for your input and I agree completely. I am keeping my distance but I always send her a few texts through the day just to sort of remind her that I am still there. I will wait to share my feelings I definitely don't want to put any extra stress on her plate considering everything that has happened in such a short time. As far as help her parents don't have the funds for her to talk to a professional and even if they did in order to get help she would have to tell them about the pregnancy and miscarriage and they wouldn't take it well. Thank you so much for replying it helps just knowing someone is listening. I am doing the best I can for her.
     
    #3 Just Call Me Ky, Jun 1, 2016
  4. Systems

    Systems
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    You seem to be a great help to her already. If you're wondering whether to give advice, or how much to give, you can just ask her if she wants advice or just emotional support and companionship. If she doesn't want advice or doesn't like the advice you give, just wait a while and ask again what she wants from you.

    Professional help would be a good option, if wanted and if feasible, but it sounds like it isn't. Self-care and emotional support from other people seem to be her only options, but they can be very helpful, and sometimes do the job so well that professional help isn't wanted or needed.

    Giving emotional support can take knowledge and expertise, but the premise is being with someone and listening to them and their feelings, and acknowledging and accepting their experiences as valid. Also ask what else they would like from you. The best emotional support centers the person you're supporting. For the best communication, it can be helpful to mirror what they tell you to make sure you understand and are on the same page.

    For self-care, I would suggest Everyday Feminism, a website that has outstandingly sensitive and respectful articles for people dealing with many kinds of problems, including miscarriages, poverty, self-care, how to give emotional support, and also a lot on trans and queer issues, ableism, racism and so on, and many combinations of these (such as self-care while being poor). The search feature is very helpful in finding what you're looking for.

    Here is a search for articles on miscarriages. Some of them are people sharing their experiences, others are giving ideas for coping.
    Search Results miscarriage

    And here is a search for self-care.
    Search Results self-care
     
    #4 Systems, Jun 1, 2016
  5. Just Call Me Ky

    Just Call Me Ky
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    Thank you so much @systems I am reading the articles right now and they are helpful and gives me a better idea of what she is dealing with and how to be there for her. She knows that she needs to keep taking care of herself even though she doesn't always have the energy with all the stress. I think professional help is out of the question for her but she is moving in a positive direction and she is slowly recovering. Thank you so much I appreciate any feedback and advice.
     
    #5 Just Call Me Ky, Jun 1, 2016
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